Sick

Being sick sucks.

That hasn't stopped me from ballet and mall with Lauren and Paul. She was the one who got sick tonight though. Paul had to carry her out to the car. I'm so worried out her. They showed me the wedding rings they'd picked out. It's so wrong...they're so young. It doesn't look right. Not at all.

My ballet teacher complimented me on my flexibility today. She said it was really improving. That made me feel awesome!

On Monday I ate a ton of food. It was my birthday so I thought I'd celebrate by eating pizza. Since pizza makes me sick, if I'm gonna eat it I might as well go full out. Now mind you I only ate six pieces...it could have been worse. Since then I haven't been able to eat a full meal, until today.

Now I'm stuffing my face again. I keep trying to tell myself it's okay. It's okay if I gain a few pounds. I'm not fat, I'm beautiful and need to stop worrying about my weight. I'm not sure if it's working though.

I feel positivetly miserble. The lovers were torturing me today. Lauren keeps telling me to forget him and move on. I shouldnt' have to work for a guy, or so she says.

I'm in this for the long run. As long as there is hope. If there is the smallest chance I'll wait. I can be patient. It is hard though but I'm not giving up.

If he asks me to leave, to get out of his life I will. But until he does I'm hanging around.

Blisters

I went skating with youth group. It was a ton of fun, I love roller skating. The only thing I would have changed is that I would have paid two dollars extra to get the in-line skates. They are so much easier to skate on! I kept wanting to balance in the middle and almost fell a few times. The curving and stopping were difficult for me but anytime I lost my balance I found a wall to catch myself on.

There was a hole in my sock and now my toes is blistered. Ballet is going to be so much fun tomorrow. Oh well I'll live. My feet will always be like that once I'm en pointe.

I haven't talked to him since Friday. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like my heart was ripped out and stomped on. I know he's not trying to hurt me and he's just doing what he think's is best but it still hurts. Alot.

I really am stupid.

I don't feel normal yet. Like I'm walking through a dream. When can I wake up?

Dead

I died tonight.








I'll let you know if I wake up.

Wherever

My Horoscope today:

You may want to gloss over a difficult family issue today, but it's probably a good idea to face conflict head-on. Instead of following your intuition, allow logic to be your guide for a change. Analyze the situation from several points of view and then make a decision that benefits all involved.

Isn't that the truth? I don't know what to do in general though. I think I'm going to go with the wrong choice. Revenge is easier than forgiveness sometimes. I know it will make things worse in the long run and could have some very negative consquences but I don't care. I've already made my decision, I just need to see it gets carried out.

I miss him. I wish I could talk to him. He did call me back last night. I was shocked.

He said he'd call me today but I'm pretty sure he won't. I'm not going to call him though. I play the desperate girl too much. I'm too willing to bend over backwards for him. That needs to change.

So much of this is so wrong. I miss his kisses too much to leave him alone. I don't deserve to be treated this way but I don't care. I feel like I'm in love and he's all that I can think about.

I don't remember ever fighting so hard for something.

Whenever, Wherever
We're meant together
I'll be ther and you'll be near
And that's the deal my dear
Thereover, Hereunder
You've got me head over heals
There's nothing left to fear
If you really feel the way I feel

I wish he really did feel the way I feel.

I feel fat. I've offically gained seven pounds since Christmas. I've never weighed this much in my life. I want it to stop, right now.

I Want

I'm forcing myself to not touch my phone.



I want to call him back so bad. I want to talk to him until midnight and fall asleep with him on my mind.



I want the Fellows to die.



I want my life to be normal again.



I don't want to fall apart over and over again.



I want my family to be a forgiving family.



I want Autumn to let me watch TV for more than twenty minutes without complaining.

Sharing

I've been writing a lot recently. I guess it's a good outlet for all my crazy emotions. I'm so sad, so pathetic. Lyrics and poetry are definetly different for me. My talents lie elsewhere. ugggg

Sweet Jesus

Sweet Jesus I’m scared
Everything is going wrong
Please Jesus could you hold me close for awhile
I’m not sure I can take anymore.

No matter how hard I try it’s never enough.
Why are they staring? What do they expect?
I’m no superhero lying on the floor tonight
Crying always crying
Just barely surviving
Come be my savior tonight
It’s just you and me.

Sweet Jesus I’m tired
Where are all the answers
Please Jesus don’t hate me for trying my best
Protect me from this cruel judging world

No matter how hard I try it’s never enough.
Why are they staring? What do they expect?
I’m no superhero lying on the floor tonight
Crying always crying
Just barely surviving
Come be my savior tonight
It’s just you and me.

Sweet Jesus it’s cold
I’m so far from home.
Please Jesus, oh the lies hurt so bad
Help me to face another dawn

No matter how hard I try it’s never enough.
Why are they staring? What do they expect?
I’m no superhero lying on the floor tonight
Crying always crying
Just barely surviving
Come be my savior tonight
It’s just you and me.




Swirling Numbers

Swirling numbers and models teach us best
How we look and how to dress.
Empty stomachs are a fad
Who cares if eating disorders are bad?

Throw up your meals when you eat too much.
If your stomach’s tiny your boyfriend might want to touch.
Exercise for days trying to get the mirror to smile back.
Pray no one will find the diet pills hidden in a stack.

Forget trying to be happy; try perfect instead.
Avoid numbers so high you could have been made of lead.
Feel free to skip breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It’s with pain we suffer to all be winners.

Every pound lost brings you one step closer.
In the end all you want is a single sweet lover.
They won’t love you now but soon they will.
Ignore all the warnings, starvation won’t kill.

Miss Him

I want to be thirteen.

I know it's early but I need to write. I have to express my emotions because I like last night, all it takes is one thing to set me off and lose it. Sitting in the corner of my room I just sat there for hours and sang. Not a pretty sight.

He's supposed to hang out with me. I'm trying to help myself deal with the fact that he won't. I called him last night but he told me he had to eat dinner and he'd call me back. I called back two hours later and his brother said I'd have to call back in the morning.

I called at 10.17, the minute I woke up. No one picked up the phone. I just called him again and got his brother who said he's asleep. He won't wake up for hours. I know him better than that.

All week I put everything into today. Monday is gonna be okay because I'll see him. That's stupid I know since he's the most unreliable person ever. But I couldn't help it. Every thought of him was accompanied by the sour note that he'd cancel.

I messaged him halfway through the week and asked if he would cancel. I told him I'd kick his butt if he did. He said he wouldn't. Friday he was still planning on it.

My friends all told my he'd cancel. Lauren told me to forget him and move on. I can't. Because if there is the tinest bit of hope I'd grasp for it. I can't walk away now. I'm too far gone.

Last night I felt so violent. The most violent urges screaming in my mind. I miss the person I used to be. The girl who just didn't care and did what she wanted. Now I'm stuck in a strand of misery with crisis after crisis. Sure I've got straight A's but I can't remember the last time I was happy for more than an hour.

Something has to change because I can't keep living like this.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Dirty Laundry

It's Sunday night and the tension is back. This happened to me last week too. All day I've excitedly awaited youth group. Once there I've had the undeniable desire to not come back home.

Last Friday Lauren asked me if I wanted to come spend the night at her house. I answered her honeslty, I was afraid to leave my family. I was terrified that if I would leave something would happen and I could be here protecting them from it. Once I was at group though I couldn't leave. My dad finally called me at nine and asked if I was planning to come home. When I did though all I could feel was my misery and all the tension.

Nothing major happened this week but I'm still feeling the effects of this ordeal. Last week I felt shock and than anger at the Fellows. I think I suffered the same as Kathleen did. I was angry at them because then I didn't have to be angry at my mom. She was furious at us so she didn't have to be upset at Matt. We're blaming the wrong people. But it's so painful to have to accept the truth: the people we love the most let us down. They hurt us. We want to blame the other person, call them the bad guy. It doesn't work that way.

On Tuesday or maybe it was Monday I stood waiting for the bus on the street corner. Kathleen drove past and pulled over. She got out of her seat and I figured she was getting out and going to talk to me. She never did. The windows were tinted so I couldn't see her. She just sat there until the school bus picked us up.

Why? There could be a dozen reasons why. She could have randomly had a problem and needed to pull over right there to take care of it.

It feels like she hates me. That she hates me so much that she couldn't look at me. That she would literally get out of her seat so she wouldn't have to look at me until I was gone. I don't care if that's irrational to think. That's exactly what it feels like. Slap in the face

"Your dad told me you were upset when you found I had deleted you from my friends list. I am sorry but I felt it was the best thing to do. I am not upset with you. ...
I am going through a lot of stuff right now and I use my blog to sort my feelings. I hope you don't think this has anything to do with you. You are very important to me and I don't want to do anything to hurt you. "

She wrote somewhere else she couldn't stand to look at us [children].

Why would she lie to me like that? I didn't know what was going on then. I was upset because I didn't understand and I felt like I was losing everyone around me.

She's tried to hurt all of us. She's tried to get my dad to lose his job. They've threatened us, blackmailed us and screamed at us. I never did anything.

Joseph never did anything.

William never did anything.

Thomas never did anything.

Autumn never did anything.

Sarah never did anything.

Dad never did anything.

Why do we have to suffer?

She hates us, she hates me. Since moving to Oregon together we've had all our Thanksgivings, Christmas and Easter's together. Kathleen was like my aunt, I've known her since I was two. I love all their kids like my own siblings. I've been babysitting them since I was tweleve. They call my mom Aunty Linda. My dad watches the game with Matt. Matt fixes our computers when they don't work well.

That's gone now. In a blink of an eye, that life I knew is gone. These people, my family, hate me. Nothing I ever say or do will change that.

I never did anything.

It hurts me so deep I start to shake when I think about it.

I don't expect anything less. I know it has to be this way. Things could never go back to the way they were.

Its my mom and Matt's fault. They were so selfish. I know they are sorry and regret it. It was ten years ago afterall. I don't like having to suffer for their mistake.

I'm trying to shove all this way. I don't want to look at it anymore. I just want it go away and move on with life. When people ask me how I am, I don't know what to say. It's so much easier to lie and pretend everything is okay with a fake smile plastered on my face.

Last week I was taking care of my family. This week I just wanted to be the daughter. I want my parents to take care of me. I don't want to counsel my mom anymore. I don't want to be an equal with her anymore. I don't want to know what's going on now. And I don't want to know details.

My parents always tell me I'm such a strong person. They don't realize how fragile I am. I promote this fake security and they confide in me. I really want to be able to be there for them but I don't think I can at this point. I don't ask questions anymore. I want it to go away.

My brothers and I never talk about it. My parents keep saying if we want to talk we can. They keep asking if we have questions. They don't understand we don't want to look this in the face. We don't want to know. Unanswered questions are less painful than the answered ones.

I don't feel I can talk about this with my mom. She does not need me flaking out on her right now. She doesn't have people she can talk too anymore. She's lost her friends. Someone left an annoymus note at church today saying Church is no place for dirty laundry. The pastor and his wife should be asked to leave.

I want to dance right now. Honestly I want to do to a club with loud roaring music. I want to dance with people I'll never see again. I want to lose it. I want to scream and lose myself in the music. I want to break social boundaries. I want to sweat and drop on the ground from fatigue.

It's the same as before. The same as this fall. That desire to go party. I generally am not a wild person and ignore wild desires. I don't want to ignore this feeling.

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. Maybe that's a good thing, probably it's a bad thing. I don't care anymore.

V-Day

Happy Valentines Day

I was hoping he'd call. Oh well life moves on. I don't think he cares about silly things like Valentines Day. Or maybe he does and just doesn't like me. Probably it's that he doesn't like me.

I'll never stop hoping though. It's pathetic and silly like all the celebration today. All the roses and teddy bears scattered everywhere. All I wanted was a phone call. Not even a card or flower just a few minutes to say "Hi I was thinking of you." Sometimes I guess I just ask for too much from the wrong people.

I was going to call but I chickened out at the last minute.

I remember being a kid and buying those cards at walmart and giving them to all my friends.

I remember being 13 and spending Valentine's Day sitting next to the guy I had a crush on wishing he would talk to me.

I remember being 14 and feeling so depressed and angry at Valentine's Day.

I remember being 15 and celebrating six month anniversary with Jake on Valentine's Day.

Now I'm 16, wishing for a phone call and some sleep.

Where will I be next year?

Accident

I got into an accident last night.


I feel so stupid! I was turning left at a stop sign and as I started to turn this jeep comes racing down the road. I wasn't smart enough to hit the gas and get the hell out of there. My dad's door is completly smashed.

My dad and I were both okay. I'm thanking God the guy hit his brakes. The impact wasn't very hard but it could have been so much worse. It's a scary thought.

My dad isn't mad at me. I feel so horrible though! I'm imagining what my insurance is going to cost. I wish my parents would pay for it. It seems like almost everyone's parents pay for insurance but somehow I have to figure out how to do it on my own. That sucks. I need a job.

I'm scared to drive now though. My dad kept trying to get me to drive home but I couldn't. He said everyone get's into an accident sooner or later, I'm not a bad driver and that people are important not cars. That did not prevent me from crying really hard though.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. aiiii

Hide

Life is going to get better. I'm extremely eager for this to take place. Last night I was very not okay. But after tomorrow it's going to okay again. I really need it to be okay again.

I finally found a song for my kiddies that actually would download for me. It's called Hide and it's by Joy Williams.

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

I think these lyrics speak truth and the music is amazing. I'm anxious to see their reaction it it though. I'm sure the girls will love it and the guys will hate it or perhaps some weaker emotions but to the same point. Alright well I need sleep. I should choregraph part tonight but I'll figure out what I'm going to do tomorrow morning. That's me, now and forever a procrastinator.

To Kill Or Not To Kill

I would really like to kill right now. You don't even know how badly. It's not possible for you to feel the anger pulsing through my veins. Unless of course you've been in the same position as me then I suppose you do. But for your sake I hope you haven't.

A friend gave me two bible verses. I'm going to cling to these verses. I need something to cling too right now.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

NIV

Okay so maybe they are overused verses. The kind of verses you keep handy to tell people who are in bad positions.

I'm starting to feel better. The music I think is calming me down. I need my drug right now. I miss him so much. I couldn't stop thinking about him today.

Exhaustion

I'm so tired. I need sleep.

I need to lie down and not be burdened with thoughts.

I need to sleep and not be angry.

I need to relax my muscles and my brain.

I need to lay in the quiet and not cry.

I need rest so I can be strong tomorrow.

We've termed this the week of hell though I'm sure I've had worse.

My mom kicked my dad out today. Maybe it will be worse, maybe it will get better.

I just want sleep for now.

Purple Would Be Cool

I have this crazy urge to add violet streaks in my hair. We are studying Color Theory in Cosmetology. To learn first hand about how color works we were given frosting a food coloring. I learned some pretty interesting stuff. The only thing is I know if I get purple in my hair that kills me whole 'proffessional appearance'. When I'm 17 ( three weeks) Im going to start looking for a job again. I want to work in photography shops and some places hire at 17 while I assume most at 18. This is something I really want to do though so it will be easy for me to become passionate about it.

Passion = determination = not giving up =success

So myabe not but sometime between now and summer I'm going to have to experiment. Even if it's just brown or black I want to try mixing tones and highlighting. I don't much about it but it look good.

I'm trying to sound happy and peppy. Is it working?


God is a God of mercy. My life is shattering in pieces instead of all at once. I don't know what to say to my friends. At this point I'm considering not saying anything. They all have their own problems so I don't want to burden them. Besides I've already been so needy this year, I want to appear stable and self sufficient. hahaha that's a laugh.

Damn Giants

Happy Superbowl. I'm sad though because the Patriots lost, losing their perfect record this year. The Giants scored in the very last minute when there was only thirty-five seconds left. It was very sad. =( I officially do not like the Giants.

I didn't go to church this morning. Dad was the only one who went. I got up at nine and noticed the lights were all out and my brothers were asleep. I went into my mom's room and asked if we were going to church. She said she was staying home with sick children. Then I asked if I could go back to bed and she said yes.

I slept for awhile until Lauren called me. I was on the phone with her for awhile. I read some of "Twilight" and ate the cinnamin roles mum made. I didn't really do anything all day. I was on the computer for awhile and we ate lunch at three. I watched the game all afternoon...well I read through most of it but I enjoyed the commercials. I don't really understand the game. Jake used to have to explain the football game's to me. lol I remembered a little about what he said but I wasn't paying enough attention to grasp the plays or anything.

I didn't change out of my pajamas and sweatshirt until I took a shower at nine. Now I'm wearing sweats and a t-shirt. I was really lazy today.

I spent my morning very sad. I'm currently not pouting but my feelings haven't changed. I really have never been in this position before. I'm the girl who usually has to push guys away. Now it's reversed. I know I have a Bryant but still he's so distant.

I know my heart and it will never change
This temp work would be alright if you'd call me.
You'd call me.
I lie awake at night for you and I pray.

My other problems did not seem so bad today. My life hasn't fallen apart yet. I believe yesterday I was in shock with a little bit of sadness and anger. Today I'm in denial.

I know it happened but I'm still thinking, "I'm not affected by this. It's distant and nothing is going to happen" even though I know that is not true.

Tell me if we sleep together would it make it any better?
If we sleep together would you be my friend forever?
If we sleep together would it make it any better?
If we sleep together would you be my friend?
Be my friend?

I would say no to that.

Not Fair

Happy Groundhog Day

I feel so out of control right now. I feel like I'm balancing on a egg and if I slip and fall or place my weight wrong my whole life will shatter.

I am in disbelief. I'm not angry or judgmental. I am hurt by reactions and what is to come. I wish I didn't know. Knowledge is lethal. Innocense is bliss. All the pieces were right under my nose. I should have known. In a way I guess I did but I refused to believe it. It couldn't be true. I still don't see how it is true.

I need him to feel better. Just a instant brings a real smile to my face. To know for that split second I was on his mind. I need that. It's so silly. Why am I such an idiot? Why can't I handle my life?

I'm so scared. I should know better than to become comfortble in my life but I don't know if I can bear to lose it. Scandal does not treat me well.

I do not like leaving my future into the hands of the insane. Shit. I'm screwed big time. Everything has been set in motion. It's a race now. Time will tell who will come out on top.

Wishful Goals

This is my 100th post.

Just saying.

I wish today meant something.

I wish I could be telling you of everything we did together today.

I wish for once my day fantasy had come true.

I wish that small chance had been fullfilled.

I wish I had something to look forward to this weekend.

I wish I could be normal and excited for Saturday.

I wish I could have traded a month of weekends for one free day today with him.

I wish I could have a moment of summer back. Just a moment for the two of us. That's rediculous to want but just one more afternoon in the sun. The careless laughter and the pure smiles. Holding his hand. Sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I want it back just for a moment. A moment to remember how it feels to be happy. A moment to be filled with love instead of longing. Simply to feel love instead instead of aching. How many moments did I waste? I wish I had relished it more. The winter is long and cold. I miss my lover.

I really want to dance right now. It's a horrible need. I want to perfect my technique. I think that is what I will do on the weekends. I will push myself so that I can become a better dancer and condition my body. God knows I need it. Strength training is good and I can increase flexibilty at the same time.

Also perhaps if I work really hard it can be a good stress reliever. But if I don't have to feel guilty about eating fast food it will be worth all the sweat. Look out world, Emily is going to conditioned. =)