Dirty Laundry

It's Sunday night and the tension is back. This happened to me last week too. All day I've excitedly awaited youth group. Once there I've had the undeniable desire to not come back home.

Last Friday Lauren asked me if I wanted to come spend the night at her house. I answered her honeslty, I was afraid to leave my family. I was terrified that if I would leave something would happen and I could be here protecting them from it. Once I was at group though I couldn't leave. My dad finally called me at nine and asked if I was planning to come home. When I did though all I could feel was my misery and all the tension.

Nothing major happened this week but I'm still feeling the effects of this ordeal. Last week I felt shock and than anger at the Fellows. I think I suffered the same as Kathleen did. I was angry at them because then I didn't have to be angry at my mom. She was furious at us so she didn't have to be upset at Matt. We're blaming the wrong people. But it's so painful to have to accept the truth: the people we love the most let us down. They hurt us. We want to blame the other person, call them the bad guy. It doesn't work that way.

On Tuesday or maybe it was Monday I stood waiting for the bus on the street corner. Kathleen drove past and pulled over. She got out of her seat and I figured she was getting out and going to talk to me. She never did. The windows were tinted so I couldn't see her. She just sat there until the school bus picked us up.

Why? There could be a dozen reasons why. She could have randomly had a problem and needed to pull over right there to take care of it.

It feels like she hates me. That she hates me so much that she couldn't look at me. That she would literally get out of her seat so she wouldn't have to look at me until I was gone. I don't care if that's irrational to think. That's exactly what it feels like. Slap in the face

"Your dad told me you were upset when you found I had deleted you from my friends list. I am sorry but I felt it was the best thing to do. I am not upset with you. ...
I am going through a lot of stuff right now and I use my blog to sort my feelings. I hope you don't think this has anything to do with you. You are very important to me and I don't want to do anything to hurt you. "

She wrote somewhere else she couldn't stand to look at us [children].

Why would she lie to me like that? I didn't know what was going on then. I was upset because I didn't understand and I felt like I was losing everyone around me.

She's tried to hurt all of us. She's tried to get my dad to lose his job. They've threatened us, blackmailed us and screamed at us. I never did anything.

Joseph never did anything.

William never did anything.

Thomas never did anything.

Autumn never did anything.

Sarah never did anything.

Dad never did anything.

Why do we have to suffer?

She hates us, she hates me. Since moving to Oregon together we've had all our Thanksgivings, Christmas and Easter's together. Kathleen was like my aunt, I've known her since I was two. I love all their kids like my own siblings. I've been babysitting them since I was tweleve. They call my mom Aunty Linda. My dad watches the game with Matt. Matt fixes our computers when they don't work well.

That's gone now. In a blink of an eye, that life I knew is gone. These people, my family, hate me. Nothing I ever say or do will change that.

I never did anything.

It hurts me so deep I start to shake when I think about it.

I don't expect anything less. I know it has to be this way. Things could never go back to the way they were.

Its my mom and Matt's fault. They were so selfish. I know they are sorry and regret it. It was ten years ago afterall. I don't like having to suffer for their mistake.

I'm trying to shove all this way. I don't want to look at it anymore. I just want it go away and move on with life. When people ask me how I am, I don't know what to say. It's so much easier to lie and pretend everything is okay with a fake smile plastered on my face.

Last week I was taking care of my family. This week I just wanted to be the daughter. I want my parents to take care of me. I don't want to counsel my mom anymore. I don't want to be an equal with her anymore. I don't want to know what's going on now. And I don't want to know details.

My parents always tell me I'm such a strong person. They don't realize how fragile I am. I promote this fake security and they confide in me. I really want to be able to be there for them but I don't think I can at this point. I don't ask questions anymore. I want it to go away.

My brothers and I never talk about it. My parents keep saying if we want to talk we can. They keep asking if we have questions. They don't understand we don't want to look this in the face. We don't want to know. Unanswered questions are less painful than the answered ones.

I don't feel I can talk about this with my mom. She does not need me flaking out on her right now. She doesn't have people she can talk too anymore. She's lost her friends. Someone left an annoymus note at church today saying Church is no place for dirty laundry. The pastor and his wife should be asked to leave.

I want to dance right now. Honestly I want to do to a club with loud roaring music. I want to dance with people I'll never see again. I want to lose it. I want to scream and lose myself in the music. I want to break social boundaries. I want to sweat and drop on the ground from fatigue.

It's the same as before. The same as this fall. That desire to go party. I generally am not a wild person and ignore wild desires. I don't want to ignore this feeling.

I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. Maybe that's a good thing, probably it's a bad thing. I don't care anymore.