Miss Him

I want to be thirteen.

I know it's early but I need to write. I have to express my emotions because I like last night, all it takes is one thing to set me off and lose it. Sitting in the corner of my room I just sat there for hours and sang. Not a pretty sight.

He's supposed to hang out with me. I'm trying to help myself deal with the fact that he won't. I called him last night but he told me he had to eat dinner and he'd call me back. I called back two hours later and his brother said I'd have to call back in the morning.

I called at 10.17, the minute I woke up. No one picked up the phone. I just called him again and got his brother who said he's asleep. He won't wake up for hours. I know him better than that.

All week I put everything into today. Monday is gonna be okay because I'll see him. That's stupid I know since he's the most unreliable person ever. But I couldn't help it. Every thought of him was accompanied by the sour note that he'd cancel.

I messaged him halfway through the week and asked if he would cancel. I told him I'd kick his butt if he did. He said he wouldn't. Friday he was still planning on it.

My friends all told my he'd cancel. Lauren told me to forget him and move on. I can't. Because if there is the tinest bit of hope I'd grasp for it. I can't walk away now. I'm too far gone.

Last night I felt so violent. The most violent urges screaming in my mind. I miss the person I used to be. The girl who just didn't care and did what she wanted. Now I'm stuck in a strand of misery with crisis after crisis. Sure I've got straight A's but I can't remember the last time I was happy for more than an hour.

Something has to change because I can't keep living like this.

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry