It's Too Late

I feel horrible. I'm coming down with a cold and I still haven't been able to go running.

I've been so argressive today. It's like I have all this pent up anger inside me. I don't know why it's anger though. At school i had an intense need to listen to music all day. Then when I got home I started yelling because I couldn't find my wallet to get my permit. Then I drove 'horribly', not stopping at the unprotected intersection because I was trying to get out of the way of a bus, not slowing down to check if a train was coming at the railroad and gliding down the hill. All of which earned a lecture. Also I was privilaged the what happens if you are in an accident lecture. When mom told me I took the hill to fast when I glided I said "okay I'll slow down but I've been doing that for years. I was in complete control." Yay for getting bitched out and labeled foolish. Whatever she has no life.

She got a camera today. She's been obsessing over it for the past two weeks. Out of the blue she wants a big, fancy camera. She doesn't even shoot with the camera she has. I can't figure out why she wanted a real one. Thank God it came today. Maybe now she can relax for more than two seconds?

I danced not so good today in class. The physical exercise didn't calm me one bit though. The second I was back in the car it all came back. I wonder if the emotions are what is making me sick? I doubt it though, everyone seems to be coming down with a cold. He is even recovering from one. Bryant will soon have one though since he "doesn't care" if Im sick. Whatever.

I'm so tired I think I might try and sleep. Tomorrow I am going running if it kills me. It's going to kill me if I don't get it all out soon. Even if I'm sick and it's pouring rain I'm still going too. I think I need sex right now. Really bad. Crap. Where's a desperate guy when I need one?

Stupid in Math

My student teacher for math hates me. He is creepy looking and tends to walk around the room and stare down at us. Today he almost caught me writing. Yes I am guilty of writing and journaling during class. My teacher is a good teacher but sometimes when she spend forty minutes reviewing something that took me fifteen minutes to finish and understand, it gets boring. I'm sorry but I hate being bored. So I write.

He walked over to my table and I shifted papers fast. I looked up to the right and I could see him staring down and me with that 'Gotcha! now put that away you shouldn't be doing that' look on his face. Last week he got me for reading a magazine after a test. I had no homework in the class and absolutely nothing else to do. He's reasoning was that magazines to girls are like videogames to guys. Seriously! He told me if I couldn't find anything else to do he could find me a CIM worksample. I hate him. Period.

I'm done with all my CIM anyway. Plus my teacher did not write anywhere on the class syllabus not to read or write. She said no food, cell phones, music players or drinks. I put mine away for the class so he should be happy! But no...stupid rules. He's not even a real teacher.

S.O.S.

I was trying to be optimistic today. After yesterday when I felt my world lift me up into the air and slam me on the ground I was determined to be okay. I was going to go running after school to burn off emotions but went to the bank instead. There are not very many day hours right now.
It would have sucked though because it was wet and cold with a mix of rain and snow. I don't know if I can make it through the whole day tomorrow so I might have too later. I don't know how much longer I can hold back all these stupid emotions. I can feel them in my stomach and it's making me feel horrible.

I always feel horrible now. I can't do anything without feeling pain now. I can't have a good time, have a conversation, go to sleep, eat or write without feeling it. Especially I can't eat but that's a different story. I can't put anything in my mouth without feeling insanely guilty but I'm so stressed out I can't stop eating. It's really hard right now too fight off the urge to go stuff my face. I'm not hungry but I need the comfort. My body does not like it though. I've gained several pounds this month. I've lost aerobics so now I'm going to have to find another source of cardio. Ballet obviously isn't enough.

Exercise aside I cannot continue to eat like this. I'm going to have to do something but I'm not sure what.

I just found out I lost another person. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I hate Caleb. I hate him for doing this. It's so stupid, all this shit has happened since he died. I was doing okay but now I'm falling apart. I'm trying to glue the pieces of me together but I fall apart faster than I can put myself together again.

This time please someone come and rescue me
'Cause you on my mind has got me losing it
I'm lost, you got me lookin' for the rest of me
Your love is testing me but still I'm losing it

I need to see him. I need to be okay again. Even if I have repeat of last night's episode I have to see him. No matter what. I'll do anything. I need a fix of him. I need to feel better. I need to forget. I need to not lose him too.

I said boy I'm telling you, you got me open
I don't know what to do it's true
I'm going crazy over you
I'm begging
S.O.S. please someone help me
It's not healthy for me to feel this way
Oh you are making this hard
You got me tossin' and turnin'
and I can't sleep at night

Moving Forward

I made another step in the direction of becoming an adult: I opened a savings account. I would have opened a checking account too but they won't let me until I'm eighteen. However, I'm going to have an ATM card. That means I can withdraw money out of the account at an ATM machine. My goals of saving for a car, college and affording ballet however do not suggest that I withdraw often. On the other hand they demand that I deposit, deposit, deposit!

For Christmas my parents bought me an empty five gallon water container to put my penny savings in. I save pennies for a car. It's mostly for fun: how many pennies can I collect? I don't expect to buy a car for a long time as obviously I will need to have an actual job to afford gas and insurance. I really need to get a job now and stare saving but I don't want to sacrifice my free time.

Second Semester started today. New schedule:

Day One
Cosmetology Concepts
Graphics 2
Chemistry in the Community
Honors American Studies U.S. History

Day Two
Graphics Digital Photo
Algebra 2
Cavelles
Honors American Studies English 11

My first semester grades are:
Aerobics: A
Graphics 2: A
Chemistry in the Community: A
Honors American Studies English: A
Health 2: A
Algebra 2: A
Cavelles: A
Honors American Studies History: A

GPA: 4.000

I'm really happy about my grades! I haven't had a 4.0 since I was in elementry school. It is definetly exciting. I guess hard work really pays off. I didn't work too hard though. I actually jsut did my homework, studied a little bit and had almost perfect attendence. I still am not sure how I got an A in history but I'm guessing the final and Lincoln paper boosted my grade. I did very well on both.

Only a year and a half until graduation. It's mostly a good feeling. College is mixed: the huge workload scares me but I guess I'll deal. However I am so ready to be eighteen. I'll be seventeen in a month. It will be my last offical year of childhood. Next I get to be an adult. I just wish I would be able to vote in the presidential election next fall. I'll miss out by a few months.

My social life is down the drain but I'm doing excellent in school, mostly keeping my room clean, starting/learning to cook dinner, have almost 1/5 of the hours needed to get my license done, improving in ballet class and managing all my responsibilities at church. I guess I'm on my way to becoming independent but its a loooong journey.

Not bad for living day by day eh?

Busy Busy Busy

I have managed to stay out of the house almost all weekend. Obviously yesterday was formal so I had to spend several hours getting ready. I had meant to take pictures but never got around to it. I just didn't feel like playing photographer last night. Saturday afternoon I went with my mom to a Secret Sister party. They revealed who they were giving too and drew new names. Everyone kept saying I should do it so I finally caved. I'm excited about my person; it's definetly going to be fun finding gifts for her.

Today I left the house for church and came home after youth group. The ballet class was really fun. Oregon Ballet Theater school was amazing! I wish I could take class there everyday. It was so awesome being there I didn't want to leave. I finally drug myself out of the beautiful building and went to youth group.

Let's none of us forget about who we are
So choose a path and follow it
Take a pill and swallow it
None of us forget about who we are
It's not forever we can fool around in the dark

I wish things were different. I wish I really was a ballerina. I wish I was his ballerina. I wish I could look at myself and be satisfied with the reflection. I wish I eat a meal without feeling guilty. I wish I could be honest with the people in my life. I wish I could fill the silence with the words screaming in my head. I wish I was different.

We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last
It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

I wish happiness didn't come at a price. It's so expensive now. Silly little wounds will never mend. I need it to not freeze tomorrow. I need to go see him. I need him to call me. Please? I'm begging my phone to ring. I'm going to stay up all night and wait for you even if it never comes. Even if it's only a few seconds I need a fix of you baby. I'm going crazy without you. Put your hands on me.

Blue Fingers and a Heavy Heart

My fingers are blue, my toes are pink. Half of my hair is straight, half is curly. I'm supposed to be helping watch Sarah but I'm being selfish instead. Formal is tomorrow. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Someday when our stories are told.
They'll tell of a love like this.
When our descendents are all growing old 1,000 years they'll be singing.
Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah

I want that. I want him. I know I'll never have that with him but I still want him. He's like a drug. He makes me feel light and giggly and forget how misrable I am. If only I didn't have to feel guilty. Why is it that love is always so wrong?

Call me baby. Please?

Stupid wishes. Stupid heart. Stupid dreams. Stupid fantasies. It'll never happen. It shouldn't happen. I want to stop wanting him. I want to stop needing him.

I need him. Call me baby?

We'll climb Tibetan mountains
Where we can barely breathe.
I'll see the Dali Lama.
I'll feel him blessing me.
And all the constellations
Shine down for us to see.
And if you don't believe me Just put your hands on me.
Your hands on me...

I'm so sad and pathetic. I cry when I miss his calls. I cry and beg to my phone he'll call back. He doesn't.

I can't get through a shower without being paranoid that I'll miss his call. He never calls.

Promises don't mean anything. I don't care. I'm such an idiot. I can't stop.

My fingers are blue, my toes are pink. Formal is tomorrow. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Life Is Boring

I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. There is no point anyhow.

Nothing to do in Aerobics.

Nothing I have to do in Graphics. I'm okay grade wise.

Have no idea what we're doing in Chem.

Already did HAMS final. So I get to watch other groups present.

So why do I have to go to school again? It's the last day of the semester. Happily I get Monday off. Two three day weekends in a row. That's fun. I'll be busy for Saturday and Sunday...maybe I'll just chill on Monday? Or I could go hang out or see a movie with a friend. Probably will do that. I've still got ballet but that will be the only thing I have to do.

After ballet I watched the tumbling class. It looks like so much fun! I wish I could do the walkovers and things they were doing. I'm so jealous! Maybe I can take the beginner tumbling class this summer! I don't know though...that might get pricey...if I get pointe this summer that will be four hours a week. Twice as much as I am currently taking. So we will have to see what happens.

I wonder if it will snow tomorrow. It's been in the twenties in the mornings this week.

Score for Emily

Today was a good day even though I'm running on seven hours of sleep. I like closer to ten hours of sleep personally but whatever I can deal. If thats the worse for finals week then I'd say I'm pretty darn lucky.

But anyways to the point, I took science CIM test today and I passed. I don't know how I passed but I did. I scored 145...140 is passing, 149 is exceeding. I honestly did not feel very good about it. So many of the questions I just guessed.

If I had actually known most of the answers what would I have scored? I guess we'll never know. I did grab my Global Science and Biology notebooks to flip through but if I had actually spent a few hours studying...well it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I passed it.

This weekend is winter formal. It's on Saturday night. I'll be going with Byrant. I just now found out what I'll be doing on Sunday. I'm so excited. One of OBT's dancers, Alison Roper is offering an open ballet class (it's experiemental or something) and it is open to all levels. I RSVPed to go. yay I hope I don't mess up too bad. It said something about experiementing with breathing, stretching and balancing. I wonder what it will be like...I can't wait to find out.

Fasting Works

Dude last night was really cool! I didn't realize it but fasting really does work!

Alright so my whole 'not going to eat for 24 hours' thing didn't work. I made it till 10:30 am and said, "I'm hungry, where's the food?" Instead I switched my fast to be no caffine and no computer. Everytime I started wanting on of either, I'd do a short little prayer. Nothing to fancy but a definete update with God.

Youth group was mostly devoted to worship. We painted pictures while the band played praise songs. My picture ended up being symbolic. A river runs through the middle with red on one side and white on the other. In the middle of the river is a bridge. For me the red is the sin and the white is where God is waiting for me. All I have to do is cross the bridge and I can be with him and away from the sin. Maybe I can get a picture on here or something? Painting is not really my thing.

My whole prayer thing with God was this: I need a purpose. God give me a purpose. What is the plan for me? Clue me in on something God.

Crazy thing is he did give something to me. It's amazing. I don't think something like that has ever happened to me that I was aware of. I didn't realize it at first but later on I went, "Oh duh. That was God. Totally."

That feeling was complete happiness. Maybe its because that what God wants me to do? At least for now it is.

Since my fast was such a success and because I still feel bad for caving in on the food one I'm doing an even harder one all week. No mp3 player. No listening to music on my computer.

The reason is a treat music like a religion itself. So for a whole week I'm turning it off to focus on God and see what happens. Maybe he'll show me some more stuff? I really hope so.

Snow Day

Today was actually fun. I really am not a big fan of the snow. Truthfully, when it snows I'm just as excited as the nest person but when the snow sports are brought into the picture...sledding, snowing boarding or skiing...thats when my excitment ends.

But still...today was fun. I'll get some pictures up later. I'm feeling to lazy to do it right now. There was a lot of snow. Piles and piles and piles of it. At first we were having trouble packing it for a good sledding trail but by the afternoon it was all ice. Probably because it started raining after a while and then later it snowed. All and all it was fun. I talked with some new people so thats nice. I don't really know the key club people that well. Sure I've seen them around a lot I just never really talked to them before.

Tomorrow is not going to be fun though. I'm fasting all day. Gotta love going without food, not. But that's the point. No one is making me do it, it's a personal decision I made. True Pastor James did challeneg us to it but I'm definetly in this for me. It'll be interesting to see what happens.

This also may be good for me health wise. Honestly since the holidays I haven't been able to get back to eating normal amounts of food and eating healthy. I have been eating so much lately it's not even funny. And all the fatty greasey food and soda...uggg I feel so horrible! In addition I've been pretty lazy though this week between aerobics and ballet I got pushed pretty hard. Thats a good thing I suppose. I'll try and work even harder next week. It'll be my last week of aerobics. It's being replaced by Cosmetology Concepts.

Yes I know, I know. I'm supposed to be taking 'academically challenging' classes but I like to have some fun every once and a while too. Besides I like taking fun easy classes. Not that aerobics was easy by any means. haha but I'm so much stronger now. wow I think I might actually be fit. =)

That makes me happy even if I've been eating like a fatty. That is going to change starting tomorrow. I suppose that I've been eating out of stress these past two weeks but that also is going to change.

Finally Closure

Today I ate pizza for the first time since Halloween 2004.

I really wanted that pizza. lol Amazingly I'm not really sick. I wouldn't go so far to say I feel great but nothing like October 04. That was so horrible it wasn't funny. Granted I'm not moving around a lot and drank a ton of water but still. Maybe my body can handle dairy in small amounts? That would be nice.

Caleb's burial was today. I didn't cry at all and actually watched facinated through the wholte burial process. I'd never been to one before so I didn't know how they did it. The hole was very small...the little white box wasn't very big. He was buried in Baby Land. Isn't that sad? I was reading some of the headstones...little babies who lived days, months, even one was five years old. Some of the babies didn't have names and some stones didn't have dates, only the year.

I'm glad I went. I think it was a good closure. I'm not saying I'm not sad anymore. I am and I do still miss him. But I think when I went and held him it was real to me. The little cold body I held was not a baby. It wasn't Caleb. It was just a body. To me it doesn't make so much of a difference if he is in the ground, a freezer or on a table. Really he's in Heaven and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow is offically the weekend. I'll try not to go crazy this time. Tomorrow I'm going up to Mount Hood with Key Club until 3:30 and then I should do homework. I have a stupid history paper on Lincoln. I have no idea what to write about. The instructions were to analyzie Lincoln as a leader. That's all he gave me to go off of. Ugggg Then I could do laundry, type up the rest of my CIM paper, clean off my computer, vaccum my room and write script for HAMS final. Okay it looks like I'll have plenty to do tomorrow. Also I could watch Grey's Anatomy since I missed it last night.

I'll still have to figure out Monday...three day weekend. Sunday I'll be pretty busy with church in morning and youth group in evening. Except it might be harder because I'll be fasting all day.

You know what? I'm going to go to bed before I get depressed thinking aboout everything I have to do. lol Need to pick out clothes for tomorrow...

Helpless

Funeral service was tonight. Breezy came with us.

I did not like hugging Kathleen and not being able to make it better. I want to make everyone feel its okay. Truthfully I know everything is not okay but I still wish I could do something. I hate it when the people I care about are misrable. I need it to be better for them.

It was weird after I hugged her she started apologizing for crying. I know sometimes its hard to let other people carry you through pain. I had to go through that this fall. It was hard for me but when I grieved with people it was easier. Maybe I was a pain for a while but everyone needs that once and awhile.

If I can be there for someone then I'm okay. It's feeling helpless that is so hard for me to handle. I want to bring Caleb back for them.

But really I grieved Saturday. I was praying...complaining to God about how misrable I was. Then I started to say Caleb and just burst into tears. If I didn't look weird enough, talking to myself in the middle of a park, then I was crying and yelling.

I asked him to take care of Caleb. Because he wasn't coming back for us to take care of him, for him to make sure he gets everything he needs. Warm blankets, cute baby clothes and plenty of bottles to spoil him. Gotta have that nice baby fat. And I asked him to have the angels show him around to everyone and brag about how beautiful he was.

We would have done all those things but since we can't God's gonna have to do it. I think he can manage it.

It's late I think I should sleep. Tonight before Caleb sleeps I hope that a angel will rock him to sleep and sing sweet songs. He deserves no less.

I Sit and Look Out

A poem I wrote about Caleb for English class. I'm horrible at writing poems. We had to read them in front of the class. Strangely it was really hard for me and I ended up almost crying in front of everyone. It was sad.

I Sit and Look Out

I sit and look out at the pouring rain

My mood matches the solemn music of the seemingly endless storm

So many things I do not understand

The art of a heart parting leaves behind only saddness

When I first heard the news I felt my heart thud and still my heart beats painfully

The harshness of reality and life and death weigh heavily upon my spirit

Busying myself with tasks I hide behind my mask hoping no one should ask of my invisable tears

I miss sweet Caleb, the baby who never opened his eyes

For nine months waiting to meet you, you left so suddenly

And though we never talked still do send your love from above

My heart aches and now wears a new crack

I wish you hadn't had to go

I sit and look out, imgaining your face

Sleep well with the angels darling

My heart will never forget

January Blahs

I think I'm getting the Janurary blues. I wish something exciting was happening to me right now. I wish I could see him right now! I know I shouldn't feel the way I do but I honestly can't help it. To hell with plans...I'm doing what I want right now. Uggg that's where I go wrong right? haha I haven't done anything since Sunday so don't worry. No direction yet...I'm just living life day by day.

This morning sucked butt. I overslept because I stayed up late watching the 10 o'clock news to see a silly story about myspace. Of course they saved that for last. Basically it said parents and school officials are concerned about myspace's new security features which prevents from adults from browsing minor's pages.
When I woke up this late, I was really tired. The last place I wanted to go was to aerobics class. My teacher had her baby over winter break so we're stuck with a sub who doesn't know how to teach and looks like she stepped out of an 80's workout video. Oh my gosh.
And we had a freakin fire drill before we started our workout! I was dressed in shorts and a tank top. A lot of the girls were wearing sweats and everyone else had actual shirts on. I don't have any sweats I'd want to wear to school, and I hate working out in t-shirts. I sweat so much and get really hot so it's just gross. At least I can breathe in a tank.
But I had to go stand outside in front of everyone in shorts and a tank top. It was so cold! This one teacher came out and looked at us and said, "Oh you're in PE! I'm so sorry!" And she starting rubbing my arms.

Lesson learned: I'll bring a sweatshirt with me to the gym on cold days. True the class ends in three peirod but better safe than sorry!

I got my last minium done for Graphics. That means I have a D. Now every two assignments I complete raises my grade a letter. In the end he usually ends up pushing the minimums back so the best students all get A's but still. It's stressful! I actually have two assingments done so I just need to turn those in and I'll have a C. uggg I have to have an A. Anything less and I'd have to kill myself. Semester grade is an average of quater grades so either way I'd have probably a B but still....

For ChemCom, I'm right below an A. It's driving me crazy because I don't know if I'll be able to get it back up to an A. I still have a B in History and as far as I know I have all A's for the rest of my classes. Three B's wouldn't be so bad but I really want all A's. I know I won't get an A in history but you know what? I don't really care. haha I hate history.

Visit

We visited Caleb today.

It was so weird...so quiet. The silence was hurting my ears. He was so little...lying on a table with a white tablecloth all alone.

I held him for a minute. His body was so cold. Newborns always have wrinkled faces but you could see he was beyond that prune look. His lips were already black.

The service is on Thursday...the burial on Friday.

Dude, What's The Plan?

Romans 4:3
What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own."
The Message

Yesterday I had a little chat with God.
I don't believe in coincidences. I've noticed whenever I plan to 'sin', something happens so I can't. It's like God won't let me screw up. It's really annoying.

On a side note, freaked me out, tonight at youth group Pastor James said that he believed God always gives us a way out. That when we are sinning there is always an escape. For me it's like I don't ever get around to sinning. Like God is standing in the way or something.

I can't help but wonder why. Does God have a plan for me? I wish I knew. It would be a heck of a lot easier.

Truth is I'm not happy. I want to be happy. I want to live a fullfilling life. But I'm not sure I'm willing to do what it takes to be that happy girl I know I could be.

My problem isn't that I don't know. Believe me, I know.
I know what I'm doing, what I should be doing and what I'm not doing.
I know why a sin is a sin and what destructive impact it will have on my life. I cannot plead innocense.

I just don't think I'm strong enough...have what it takes...to be a good Christian. I know that sounds really churchy but I can handle churchy. I'm really used to it.

But really what I'm getting at is I want God to use me. But I don't know what he wants of me. I don't even know what I want.

How can I do the right thing if I don't know what it is?

Maybe not the 'right' thing but how to follow the 'plan.' I need to know what the plan is! God a little help here?

I'm so living day by day. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I like to plan my life out. This is such a helpless feeling. I wish Caleb hadn't died. I had a much better handle on things before he did.

What was Caleb's purpose? God wouldn't have created him if he didn't have a purpose. What was the purpose of such a short life? He never even breathed...never smiled...never cried...never frowned. How could he impact someone having never opened his eyes?

I don't understand. My small group leader said something that seemed odd to me. She said she could see Jesus in me. wow. I don't see that. She said that she could see the compassion and mercy in me.

I know those people who have Jesus in them. You can just see it, sense it. I've always envied those people. I don't see how anyone could see that in me. I'm too troubled...to distant from God to radiate him.

I wish I could say I'd have answers soon but I get the feeling it's going to be awhile.

Death Hurts

This week has been a nightmare. I'm ready to wake up and for everything to be better.

Little Caleb Joshua was born a few days ago. He was stillborn.

He's the son of our close family friend's. I would have been his babysitter.

It's funny I never ever thought that he wouldn't make it. The thought never entered into my mind. Not for one minute.

I was sleeping over at their house when my mom came and woke me up at about 2 in the morning. I let her in and we walked into the living room. She said someone was on their way to relieve me. Then she told me the baby didn't make it. I looked at her and said, "Are you serious?" I couldn't believe it.

Even now after the news has sank in it's too much. The funeral will be soon I guess. I haven't seen him yet. I won't ever get to hold him. My mom did and she said he was a beautiful baby.

I've never had anyone close to me die. Even though I never met him I waited nine months for his arrival. Euphonious we called him and debated whether he was a boy or girl and wagered his/her weight. No one thought this would happen.

I'm not sure how to handle it. Why couldn't I ever be sure of anything?