Dude, What's The Plan?

Romans 4:3
What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own."
The Message

Yesterday I had a little chat with God.
I don't believe in coincidences. I've noticed whenever I plan to 'sin', something happens so I can't. It's like God won't let me screw up. It's really annoying.

On a side note, freaked me out, tonight at youth group Pastor James said that he believed God always gives us a way out. That when we are sinning there is always an escape. For me it's like I don't ever get around to sinning. Like God is standing in the way or something.

I can't help but wonder why. Does God have a plan for me? I wish I knew. It would be a heck of a lot easier.

Truth is I'm not happy. I want to be happy. I want to live a fullfilling life. But I'm not sure I'm willing to do what it takes to be that happy girl I know I could be.

My problem isn't that I don't know. Believe me, I know.
I know what I'm doing, what I should be doing and what I'm not doing.
I know why a sin is a sin and what destructive impact it will have on my life. I cannot plead innocense.

I just don't think I'm strong enough...have what it takes...to be a good Christian. I know that sounds really churchy but I can handle churchy. I'm really used to it.

But really what I'm getting at is I want God to use me. But I don't know what he wants of me. I don't even know what I want.

How can I do the right thing if I don't know what it is?

Maybe not the 'right' thing but how to follow the 'plan.' I need to know what the plan is! God a little help here?

I'm so living day by day. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I like to plan my life out. This is such a helpless feeling. I wish Caleb hadn't died. I had a much better handle on things before he did.

What was Caleb's purpose? God wouldn't have created him if he didn't have a purpose. What was the purpose of such a short life? He never even breathed...never smiled...never cried...never frowned. How could he impact someone having never opened his eyes?

I don't understand. My small group leader said something that seemed odd to me. She said she could see Jesus in me. wow. I don't see that. She said that she could see the compassion and mercy in me.

I know those people who have Jesus in them. You can just see it, sense it. I've always envied those people. I don't see how anyone could see that in me. I'm too troubled...to distant from God to radiate him.

I wish I could say I'd have answers soon but I get the feeling it's going to be awhile.