Helpless

Funeral service was tonight. Breezy came with us.

I did not like hugging Kathleen and not being able to make it better. I want to make everyone feel its okay. Truthfully I know everything is not okay but I still wish I could do something. I hate it when the people I care about are misrable. I need it to be better for them.

It was weird after I hugged her she started apologizing for crying. I know sometimes its hard to let other people carry you through pain. I had to go through that this fall. It was hard for me but when I grieved with people it was easier. Maybe I was a pain for a while but everyone needs that once and awhile.

If I can be there for someone then I'm okay. It's feeling helpless that is so hard for me to handle. I want to bring Caleb back for them.

But really I grieved Saturday. I was praying...complaining to God about how misrable I was. Then I started to say Caleb and just burst into tears. If I didn't look weird enough, talking to myself in the middle of a park, then I was crying and yelling.

I asked him to take care of Caleb. Because he wasn't coming back for us to take care of him, for him to make sure he gets everything he needs. Warm blankets, cute baby clothes and plenty of bottles to spoil him. Gotta have that nice baby fat. And I asked him to have the angels show him around to everyone and brag about how beautiful he was.

We would have done all those things but since we can't God's gonna have to do it. I think he can manage it.

It's late I think I should sleep. Tonight before Caleb sleeps I hope that a angel will rock him to sleep and sing sweet songs. He deserves no less.