Lonely Virus

It's Thomas's Birthday. He's nine today.

I'm sick and can't walk across the floor without getting dizzy. I miss my guys too. That's freaking a million times worse than any freakin virus.

And I can't even narrow it down it just one either. Granted I miss him so much more than anyone else but I'm getting used to it. Tomorrow will be three weeks. I've forbidden myself from calling him until Thursday at lunch but if I could make it to the next week that might be even better...but I don't think I can last that long. I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. Not now being sick, it's a distraction thankfully, but most of the time.

Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. Why would I deal with this? Why won't I be smart and just walk away? Because I'm a masochist idiot. End of story. I'm not leaving.

I was losing hope but I think I've reached this stage where I can't feel anything anymore. Everything is just numb. Everyone is still stupid and I can't feel it anymore. Only how much I miss people.

I do not appreciate having my life fall apart on me. Not one bit. Family being stupid I can deal with that but how much at once do I need to live through? Grrr it pisses me off but I try not to play the pity game so much. Even from a far he helps me get through it. If nothing else he is a distraction. When it boils down he's really all that matter. All the other bull shit is just there. I don't care about it.

I remember I was teasing Chris walking down the hill from school. There was a feeling in my heart, like independence. For a moment I didn't need anyone, I was okay just by myself. And I was laughing.

Then I walked through the door and my mother gave me that look. Things were falling apart again.

I'm tired of lieing. For once I just want to be honest.

What is the point of hiding what they'll find out eventually anyway? A secret is only a secret until it is revealed. How many secrets do you take to to the grave? Not very many.

Where Did The Beautiful People Go

Where did the beautiful people go?
You've gone and left me all alone
A hole never stays empty for long
Something must take its place
Loneliness and desperation moved in
I can't find the lock but
I have the key
The puzzle is gone but
I have the missing piece

Faith on the wings of butterflys
Shriveled up and died
The morning birds have all flown away
Songs of cheer replaced by silence
Candle in my hand, flame in the air
Can you see through the darkness?

A tube of red lipstick
Bottle on the floor
Beauty and happiness is so naive
Spoiled by the curse of the world
Curled up with a blanket
Shivering in sweat
Trembling in knowledge
The beautiful people have all gone awa y
Yet never were they there at all

Lets Go Be Beautiful People

Lets go be beautiful people you and I
Run away from this pain
Never alone but always together
Lets run in the sunlight
get soaked in the rain
lose all our clothes
and feel delight pulse through us
nothing catches our attention
so absorbed in each other

Lets dance on our toesand
twirl in the wind
forget all the world
leave behind its pathetic pain
live in the moment
dancing in graveyards wishing and hoping
taste the forbidden fruit
laughing so dearly
singing the words to our favorite songs
and forgeting them halfway through

Friend, enemy or lover come be one with me
In a world absorbed in happiness
leave behind the sorrows of friends or family
miss no one
tears are unheard of
high off of the music of love
burning in the snow
freezing in the light
forget everything
come be with my beautiful people
forever and always and never at all

Power

I'm happy right now as I live out a fantasy in my head. In my fantasy I can see myself jumping up and down and squealing at the top of my lungs. At the other end of my brain I see another picture but it's not a pretty one. A small sullen figure curled up in the corner. Fantasy aside this is what he has the power to do to me.

Tomorrow it will have been two weeks. I think I'm about to go crazy. Spring break is scaring me already. Today I was supposed to go to the mall but cancelled so I could go babysit for a family that is really easy and pays very well. I got 60 dollars for seven hours. =) I'm happy to cancel on my friends anytime for that. But if I was him the world could be ending and I wouldn't care. He'll cancel on me for anything but I wouldn't cancel on him if it killed me.

Yesterday was the most depressing Easter I've ever experinced. The overall mood the family is very down cast and my added dreariness doesn't help. The candy was good, the egg hunt challenging and the food plentiful but that's where it ends. The most important part of Easter for my whole family didn't even exist.

I wanted to make it better but I can't. My mood swings back and forth though, right now I don't even care. The one thing that never changes though is how I feel for him. I called him three times this weekend and listened to his answering machine. I didn't leave a message and he didn't call me back.

Story

I just finished writing a story for The Portal. It's CHS's art collection. I wonder if it will be accepted. It would be really cool if it was.

I didn't put too much work into it though. I just opened my notebook near the end of English today and started writing. I typed up what I had and wrote the ending about an hour ago. My mom read through it and corrected my grammar errors. I tend to have alot of the those. lol Both my mom and dad said it was really good. I'm hoping it is anyways.

I'm trying to forget how much I miss him. Today I have been pretty mellow as opposed to yesterday when I was on the verge of hysteria. I really do miss him though.

False Hope

My week has been stuffed with exams.

Monday Chemistry and History Project
Tuesday Choir
Wenesday English
Thursday Math

Thankfully I get Friday off. I really don't enjoy having the day to do nothing. I'd rather have six days if school if they could start at ten...a little extra sleep would be nice. But after all these tests I'm looking forward to spring break. I have no idea what I'll do with all that spare time. I'm might spend some of the extra time catching up on my music theory and some french. I've been meaning to do that, particularly the music. I'd like to write my own music and I've been wanting to learn some basic accusitc guitar and improve on my piano skills. Music theory is to be first though. It's only practical.

We had our spring choral concert tonight. It's been an interesting quater. Our student teacher will no longer be teaching us though so it's back to Mr. Davis. I'm sure I'll miss Mr. Isbell some, however, I've sincerely miss Davis these pasts few weeks. He pushes us harder and we reach our full potential. I've grown so much as a musician this year and I don't want to stop. Listening to the advanced choirs I can't help but sigh in envy. I wish we sounded like that.

I honeslty don't have anything meanful to say.

I dreamt about him last night. He kissed me and oh how sweet it was! I love his kisses the best. I miss him so much and it's only been a week since I last talked to him. A month since I've seen him. I keep hoping I'll get to see him over break. It's false hope but hope none the less. I'm so pathetic.

Too Much Love

A message I sent to the ladies in my small group.


So I spent most of Sunday crying but by about midnight I was wide awake and Ifeel like I'm on sky 9 because I'm so happy.

Because it feels like God just came in and nestled into my heart and kicked out all the sore spots.

I just want to stand on a mountain and start yelling because Jesus loves me and I can feel it with every fiber of my being. I can't remember ever feeling like this before and its amazing.

I just want to buddle up all this love and pour it on everyone. Stick it in the shampoo bottles of all my friends who aren't Christians and scrub it into their scalps and let it run all the way to their toes. Because feeling like this I KNOW Jesus is real because this couldn't have come from anything else. And I don't know words to thank you guys for all the prayer and support on Sunday. But Im gonna try anyways. THANK YOU!

I love you guys


That sums up how I feel. Last night though it was even worse. I couldn't sleep I was so happy. I almost wanted to run downstairs at midnight and pounce on my family. Happiness and love just radiated out of my pores. It was the most amazing experience I've possibly ever had. Ever.

The love I experienced last night at my small group was amazing. It didn't matter that they didn't know what was going on in my life. All of them felt my pain because it's not unlike your pain. Life is hard. We deal with different things but we can all understand and relate because we've all felt that same desperate depression at some point in our lives.

And even in the middle of sharing of drama going on in their own lives they came around me to touch and pray for me. God had blessed me by personally giving each one of them to me when I need them most. I know that no matter what I will be okay because of people like them.

I don't know how to ever pay that back. But I have so much love for myself right now I want to give it away. Please anyone who needs someone to listen and pray for them come to me because I have heavenly love to share with you. There is no such thing as too much prayer. Everyone in the whole world could pray for me and it still wouldn't be enough.

Stars

I am lucky I suppose. People love me.

I felt so lonely earlier but they were there for me. They always are. They have problems of their own but take the time to pray for me and hug me when they don't even know what's wrong. That's special.

God gave me a new hope in them. I know that I will be okay because no matter what someone will be praying for me. You never get enough prayer.

I still miss him so much. Maybe it's better that he's not here but I'm selfish and want him here anyway. I don't give a fucking damn about being independent anymore. He makes it better and it's hell without him. Withdrawl sucks. I need my drug.

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely

Hypocrite. Double sided. What am I to do with myself? Pray I suppose. What else?

I want hugs. I want to be touched. People never touch me anymore. I don't like touching usually but what the hell. I'm more different everyday. I need touch. Hugs, kisses. I miss the kisses and the gentle hands. Slide across my skin. Warm me from the inside out. I need you. Get your ass over here before I go crazy.

Forever

How Long is Forever?

It's Day 2 and it's already starting to eat away at my soul. I will not cry. I will be strong.

Fuck life. I'm getting sick of it. What the hell happened? When did things get so fucked up? It's pissing me off. It's not fair.

Period.

My parents are driving me crazy. Scandal scandle scandal.

Try to runaway with the gypsy woman
Here today then gone for good
Can't get away with a gypsy woman
Thought no one would know
Your secrets down below
But you can't go
Can't go with her
Can't go
Can't go with her
The gypsy woman

Kick Kick Kick

Kick Kick Kick

Kick my converses back and forth
Kick Kick Kick
The right shoe lace is untied
Kick Kick Kick
My head is falling asleep
Kick Kick Kick
The stress is starting to catch me
Kick Kick Kick

I can only think of the words
Kick Kick Kick
They swim in my head
Kick Kick Kick
The heart is empty
Kick Kick Kick
And honestly darling its all because of you

Kick Kick Kick
Relax my friends and let us sleep
Kick Kick Kick
No more answers for now
Kick Kick Kick
Dirt on my shoes and in thy soul
Kick Kick Kick
Leave to weep with my lonely self
Kick Kick Kick

Crisis Number 49321

There is never a dull moment in my life. I swear.

Every day there is a new crisis.

But I'm okay. Earlier I was shaking but now I'm sipping cola and avoiding bed time.

I need so much more sleep than I'm getting!

But the cola is good. It makes me feel alive.

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

Alright so I'm not okay. I'm just pretending. Whatever. Fuck it.

Get Good

It's Joe's birthday. He's fifteen today.


I hope things get good for him instead of bad. Things got bad for all of us.


I'm so tired. I'm more like him everyday. All I want to do is sleep. No cake for me please.

Strawberry

I forgot about Daylight Saving Time.

That is so typical. My dad woke me up fifteen minutes before we had to leave. I was not a very happy camper. I didn't even realize it was Daylight Savings Time until about 6 clock. That's sad right there.

I worked nursery for sunday school and church. After lunch I went over to Sharon's house and did yard work for her. I already have a sunburn: my cheeks are pink. I used sunscreen so obviously I need to make sure I reapply frequently and wear a hat. I wish I didn't burn so easily. I spent most of the summer looking like a strawberry. I'd rather not repeat that. Smooth white skin is what I aim for.

I'm trying not to think about him. It's hard though. He's in almost all of my thoughts.

Matt is a bitch. I wish he'd leave us alone. I hate the way people try to treat us like nothing happened. They way they are not acknowledging the drama is acknowledging that it's so bad they won't talk about it. Crap.

Crushed

He's grounded...

"All dressed up with nowhere to go."

Am I allowed to be crushed? I knew this would happen but I didn't want to believe it would. I like to be optimistic and hopeful.

I am offically a masochist. My love life stinks.

Puppy

Yesterday was amazing. I had a glipse of hope and all but ate it up. I got myself something to do this Saturday and my heart was soaring.

I'm so udderly rediculous. Just because he called me back doesn't mean I should get so excited. I know there's a big chance he'll cancel but because it was his idea I'm believing with 96% that it will work.

I'm stupid. I'm pathetic. I'm in love.

I want this so bad. Is it fair to have something I want when everything seems to go wrong?

Well not everything is wrong in my life. I should give credit where it is do. I get to go to CHS. I get to dance twice a week at no cost to me. I have allowance and privilages.

That stuff is good but everything else pretty much sucks.

But this thing one thing is really important too me. I'm going to die if it doesn't work out. I want to be with him so bad! I sound like a love sick puppy but it's the truth. The truth stinks.

The Witch

Tonight was a really good night.

Too much flirting I'm going to regret it later.

I suppose it could be worse. I could have been drinking. Maybe it's a good thing I don't drink yet.

I wish nights like this would never end. The laughter is superficial. Who cares about problems you don't need to think about them. Just laugh and have fun. I'll need to diet again tomorrow but oh well. It was worth it.

I am still putting off the phone call. I was really close to calling him about twenty minutes ago but I didn't. He won't be happy with me for ignoring him so long I know but I need more time to live out my fanatsy in my head. The world where we love each other and I get my happily ever after ending. Life really isn't fair. I want a fairy tale for myself. And I want to be the princess, not the witch.

Neutral

I haven't made my decision yet. My feelings are really neutral right now. I need to talk to him first before I'll know if I can do this. It's two weeks today. What's a promise? I hope it means something but I know better than to place too much hope there. There was a trade off. It was probably just a spur of emotion for him, he'd say whatever without worrying about the consequences.

I'm the one who gets left behind. I'm the one who gets hurt.

That's fair I've broken many hearts. I deserve a broken heart but I don't want one.

My future hangs on one phone call. I keep putting it off. Deep down in my heart I already know the answer. But I keep hoping I'm wrong.

My Own Happy Ending

We just finished the last Lord of the Rings movie. The ending left me with so much emotion I'm not sure how to respond. When Sam and Frodo are on the mountain thinking of memories Sam remembers this girl. He says if he could ever go back he'd marry her. In the end he does and they have two children.

How often in literauture do guys say 'I'm going to marry her' and then they do? Very frequent. They don't sit and have long out conversations about how it's too soon or that they might be the wrong girl.

The thought struck me. I didn't expect it, not tonight of all nights. It hit me none the less. I'm not sure it's possible for me to push the thought away even if I wanted too.

What if I could be like that too?

What if I could fall in love and get married, just like that?

What if instead of pushing ages and numbers in between college and job timelines I could just wait for it too happen?

What if I let myself go and fall in love?

What if I found someone and loved them with my whole self and never ever wanted to leave them and actually meant it from the bottom of my soul?

These thoughts are frightening me. Logic and numbers have beeen taught to me but what if I forgot about them? What if I just let nature takes it's course and have my own happy ending?

College will work itself out. I don't even know if working is truely in my future. I can always adapt and change plans.

What if I truely allowed myself to dream?

What if I found him, married and had babies?

I'm allowed all this in one year, by the law. Everything I'm taught says young marriages will fail. But what if it doesn't? What if it could be happily ever after ending that doesn't end?

It's exciting to think. My pulse speeds up thinking about it. I
I think I might want too. I should sleep on my feeling though. They tend to change with the morning.


I will sleep then. I'll write more tomorrow. A decision will have to be made later. Goodnight all. I love you.