Lonely Virus

It's Thomas's Birthday. He's nine today.

I'm sick and can't walk across the floor without getting dizzy. I miss my guys too. That's freaking a million times worse than any freakin virus.

And I can't even narrow it down it just one either. Granted I miss him so much more than anyone else but I'm getting used to it. Tomorrow will be three weeks. I've forbidden myself from calling him until Thursday at lunch but if I could make it to the next week that might be even better...but I don't think I can last that long. I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him. Not now being sick, it's a distraction thankfully, but most of the time.

Everyone looks at me like I'm crazy. Why would I deal with this? Why won't I be smart and just walk away? Because I'm a masochist idiot. End of story. I'm not leaving.

I was losing hope but I think I've reached this stage where I can't feel anything anymore. Everything is just numb. Everyone is still stupid and I can't feel it anymore. Only how much I miss people.

I do not appreciate having my life fall apart on me. Not one bit. Family being stupid I can deal with that but how much at once do I need to live through? Grrr it pisses me off but I try not to play the pity game so much. Even from a far he helps me get through it. If nothing else he is a distraction. When it boils down he's really all that matter. All the other bull shit is just there. I don't care about it.

I remember I was teasing Chris walking down the hill from school. There was a feeling in my heart, like independence. For a moment I didn't need anyone, I was okay just by myself. And I was laughing.

Then I walked through the door and my mother gave me that look. Things were falling apart again.

I'm tired of lieing. For once I just want to be honest.

What is the point of hiding what they'll find out eventually anyway? A secret is only a secret until it is revealed. How many secrets do you take to to the grave? Not very many.