Pissed

I want out of this house right now.

Sarah takes my stuff and TRASHES it. I say kill the baby. She ate two packs of gum today because my purse was sitting on my desk!!!!!!! I don't care if she's two. I'm seventeen and should not have to put up with this.

Autumn is an idiot. ALL she does is whine and scream at the top of her lungs. Doesn't get what she wants? She screams until she does. I am NOT exagerating at all.

The only even slightly intelligent thing to ever come out of her mouth was today.

"Life matters all the time."

Whatever. Doesn't change anything.


So now I have to figure out what to do with my life next week. I am not staying home. I thought I was going to be lucky and babysit every day but I never was given any specific information. Park volenteering is over...

I will not stay home for any more hours than I have to. Summer is overrated. No I take that back, life is overreated.

I get these moments like today when Ashley, Nik and I went to Mount Tabor and just laid in the shade and played "I'm Thinking of an Animal" and "Truth or Dare" for three hours. It's just perfect because I don't have to think about home. But then the day ends and we all look at each other knowing what we have to go back to and we're all so fed up with it. I'm just so done with this life.

Pink Arm

My right arm is sunburnt. Ow. I've been doing a really good job with the sun screen so far...I'm proud of myself. After spending last summer looking like an apple it's nice to have survived thus far without too much damage. Alas, I am doomed to be an albino forever. =/

Swimming was today. I still handed out milks but after lunch the youth went straight to the pool. It was fun to splash around for a little while today but it was chilly today. The wind was blowing but by three it had warmed up a bit. The weekend is supposed to be in the 90's...uggg. I hate hot weather.

I had the 'dress but not actually in costume, hair or makeup' rehersal today for my upcoming dance recital. I forget how much I enjoy just being in the wings and on stage. It just feels...right somehow. Maybe dancing isn't something I'm termendously good at but I've been singing and acting for crowds since I was five.

Somewhere in there I worked my way up from Christmas Angel to soloist to principle acting roles. My close friend and I unoffically choregraphed the VBS songs we sang during the summer. When the choir director would cast parts I'd always be like, "Give me as many solos and lines I can have."

I haven't really done much performing lately. I spent a lot of time behind the scenes with elementary sunday school students this last fall. I was in the church musical as a choir member and youth member in hip hop song and dance routine and of course there was The Nutcracker two Christmas's ago...it just really seems to have slowed down. The last play I acted in was in drama class when we put on Children's Theater and that was a year and a half ago.

But anyways I just really enjoyed getting back on the stage again. Performance is Saturday. I can't wait.

So Far

Did I tell you I got a 3.75 GPA for the semester? I raised my cumlative GPA to a 3.3...it's been at a 3.0 since I was a freshman.

These are my favorite shots from the beach trip. The photos are unedited.

The youth is halfway through our first community service project for The Summer of Service. We are helping out at a park. We help hand out free lunches, help with crafts and play games with the kids. It is actually a ton of fun. I would totally do it all summer if I was on staff. Perhaps I should keep it in mind for a future summer job.

So far summer is good. Mission Get Out of The House is working alright but it could definetly be improved. I'm still thinking up ideas for that one...

Salty Ick

We got back from the beach today. I was just in time to jump in the car to go to ballet. I was so tired. I still am but it's totally my own fault.

We didn't sleep much last night at Rockaway beach. None of the youth did. Ashley, myself and Nik, The Three Amigos, were out late last night, walking around on the sand in the dark. The rest of the group was at the bon fire. I left because my eyes are too sensitive for the smoke.
I was really hyper, jumping around and shrieking which annoyed Ashley. She said I had drank too much salt water. My response was I hadn't had any, yet.


I'll let you guess what my next move was.


Afterwards we were running again and I worked on my spitting skills. We went back to the fire and I grabbed some marshmellows to get the taste out of my mouth. The Three Amigos and Joe went back to the house to get some stuff and I brushed my teeth. Let me tell you, never has minty toothpaste tasted so good.

Of course the marshmellows didn't end there. We ate...a lot.

Right about the time our leader tried to segregeate the sexes we revolted into running around, shrieking loudness. Oh and lots of pillow fights. I own Nik in pillow war. Sucker. *cough*

So our leader takes us out for a walk around town and makes us pose for pictures. It was really cold and by then it was after one in the morning.

That was fun.


But anyways I'm home and I'm tired. I haven't even looked for my camera to upload the pictures yet. Tomorrow or so...

Spaghetti sauce and noodles cooking in the kitchen.

Thomas
hey is there supposed to be steam coming out of that?

Mom
No so lets hope that doesnt happen

Thomas
well its sorta happening

Changed

I'm really irritated right now. I can't find my 9th grade health syllabis. I've searched through every school paper I've filed (stashed is more like it but I got to spend the last two hours organizing it.) The recycling bin in now flooded with stupid papers with my messy hand writing (oh my gosh I can't believe I ever wrote like that!) but no health papers.

I need it to prove I've taken health to this new school is California. I've got Health 2 covered including the neat stack of tests, quizzes, free writes and note packets but I still need Health 1. grrrr I'm mad at myself for not being better at keeping this kind of stuff in an easily accessable place that is not overcrowded like it was. grrrr!

I found some "Get to know myself" thing for a class in middle school. The old answers are italized.

I Am A Person Who...

Likes things to be in a proper, logical format in which emotion plays neither a negative nor positive role and the results turn out the way they should.
computers (neopets and Sims)
Can manage to screw up even the most well defined, perfectly explained elements of my life and then do it again.
be both a girly girl and a tomboy
Cannot seem to stop making the same mistakes.
see blood.
Would Never ever be anything less than independent and secure. Oh wait...not.
ride on a boat.
Would Rather be perfect
ride on a train
Loves to express myself creatively through sound, movements and words. Making out is pretty good too. I love to swap spit.
sing
Wants to learn how to write like Robert Penn Warren
play guitar
Used to be afraid of sharing my whole self
the dark
Would be better off if I could learn to shut my mouth
I didn't have three brothers
Is really good at offending people
being a drama queen
Gets angry when the people I love are hurt or when my loved ones act like idiots
brother teases
Has a good habit of making people feel good about themselves
giggling and laughing alot
Has a bad habit of then turning around and making those same people feel like crap.
eating like a pig.
Wishes I could change the way I view myself
fight with brother
Wishes I could change the way other people do things without any regard to how their actions affect everyone else around them. If they are like me and realize what they are doing but do so anyway then they are fine. I can deal with us smart evil people but the ones who don't even realize it? They annoy me.
view large families
Never misses watching the TV show Grey's Anatomy
Lizzie McGuire
Will someday walk away from what really hurts me and not look back
Have a large family
Would like to meet someone who will give me the chance to be a better person but love me even when I fail
Hilary Duff
Likes to eat nothing. I eat because it's required not because I enjoy it. Pasta is okay though.
pizza
Likes the song Hands on Me
Fly and The Girl Can Rock

Everytime

Do the dreams ever stop? When does the ache stop hurting? I can't fill this hole inside me. I can't stop missing you.

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy


It's so late. I just want to sleep.


I want to walk away but I can't.

Everyone knows. They all just stare at me. I can't walk away. I just want to sleep. A deep sleep and never wake up. Never wake up.

Few Regrets

I try sometimes to realize my regrets. So often I find that I cannot define them.


How interesting it is to see how one turns the horrible into good. It's that when you are placed into a situation that you do not know how to handle, you grow.



Once you've delt with a problem you can move on to more advanced problems. That I believe is the definition of learning...to grow more knowledgable and to mature.



I do have some regrets in my life, true. However, even looking over this past year I do not have many regrets.



One of the reasons I do not have many regrets is that I have founds ways to overcome the pain and suffering and/or discontentment. Through trial and error I and others around me have created new solutions that I believe are better than what would have been otherwise. I've also become a stronger person.

Regrets vs. non regrets

I have few problems differentiating.

Sometimes adults do not understand that I do not see particular decision I made as a regret when perhaps they do.



I'm only seventeen but that doesn't make me an idiot.

I accept that I do not have as much life experience as someone who is 40 but that shouldn't mean I can't begin to make decisions for myself. This argument is usually met by one of the following:

1. Take care of yourself and you can make your own decisions. Be grateful for the people providing for you.
2. Freedom comes with responsibility.
3. As your parents it is our responsibility to see to it that you make it to adulthood alive. Do what you want when you're 18.
4. As your parents we are just trying to do what we think is right.

I won't write these arguments off as nonsense.

I admit if I went off into the world on my own tomorrow it would be a struggle.

However, I am making good progress towards becoming independent.

• I devote time to my schoolwork so that I may pursue a higher degree someday.
• My busy schedule requires planning and learning to balance time.
• Finances are not completely foreign to me thanks to my small savings account and observing my parents balancing the check book.
• I've made the critial connection: credit cards are bad.
• Yes I can cook a few meals and definetly follow a reciepe.
• I've been washing laundry for years.
• I can load and unload a dishwasher, vaccum the carpet, sweep the floor and clean the bathrooms.
• I'm in the process of acquiring a license to drive.
• Ballet has taught me dicipline and respect
• Church has taught me tolerance
• School has taught me acceptance
• Friends have taught me diversity
• Babysitting has taught me how to act professional

To say I'm ready to move out would be a gross overstatement. I'm not an adult and I do need my parents. True. I'm sure it will take a few more years for me to be completely ready to face the world but I know this: I am not stupid.

I know that because of my age I am looked down upon by many adults. That isn't fair in the least.

Why?

I don't mean to sound cocky but I am more intelligent than many of the adults in this world.

Respect your elders

Respect is earned by age, not maturity. Why? I sincerely hope my generation matures as they age but I know for a fact not all of them will. Should they still recieve the same rights and respect as the ones that do? I don't think so.



People should be judged by their actual maturity and ability to make decisions.

Maturity totally depends on the person. Please please please don't group teens into one big messy pile. Some of us are really different, believe me.



Adults are the same way. Some are amazing people who haven't gotten as much as a speeding ticket and then on the other end of the spectrum you have drug dealers, sociopaths and child abusers.

Despite the fact that many people percieve me as too immature to make adult decisions, I'm not afraid to admit I do from time to time. And because they are mature decisions, I make all attempts to handle them in a mature way. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means but who is? Not the sociopath for sure.

However I do not let the world's precieved notions of my maturity rule my life. Sorry. I have a mind of my own. If acting normal is a sin, I'm sorry. I make what adults have termed 'mature' decisions.

What I find curious is when people expect me to regret an adult decision because of the outcome.

Now this may not be the case for all teenagers in my position, however, I think through all my major decisions very carefully. I calculate the different senarios and walk in to the situation being very knowledgable. I can never plead ignorance.



So with that in mind, why would I have any regrets? If something negative happened that I knew was a possibility from the start would I still regret the decision? Anything is possible but most of the time the answer is no.



Why? Because I'm being a mature person something which appearently I'm not supposed to be able to do.



So really, I don't have any regrets. There is one decision I made that I thought I was doing the right thing and had a lot of adults encourage me but turned out to be the worst decision I ever made. I look forward to the day I recover from that.



That is honestly the only the recent, major decision I've made that I regret. I'm more likely to regret someone else's decision than my own.



I'm not going to lie and say I'm this amazing mature person all the time. I'm not going to say I don't act like a teenager. I'm a very moderate person attempting to be a 'good' person while having my own 'rebellion' and doing stuff 'just for the heck of it' every once and a while.

But I think I'm underestimated a great deal of the time. Adults need to stop worrying about me and start trusting me. I don't have many regrets but I've lived plenty.

Pityriasis Rosea

Well before I tell you about my new disease I'll tell you about my other drama. My cell phone went swimming today.



You can figure the rest out yourself. There is still a dim hope that it will come back to life but I'm not holding out much hope. I'm using my old cell for now...not sure what I'll do next yet.






Okay I have this new disease. It's called Pityriasis Rosea.It's pretty much this ugly rash on my chest and back that is supposed to last six to nine weeks that my doctor says I got just because I'm unlucky. I'm feeling calmer now but I was p-i-s-s-ed when I found out. It's effin summer and I have a rash. Are you kidding me?

You can read about it here-> http://www.emedicine.com/DERM/topic335.htm





It looks like...

http://z.about.com/d/pediatrics/1/0/l/2/pityriasis_rosea.jpg

http://medicalimages.allrefer.com/large/pityriasis-rosea-on-the-chest-and-abdomen.jpg


So yeah. Lucky me huh?

I Don't Care

Mental health: how you like, accept and feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you meet the demands of everyday life.



As I read this I think to myself, oh crap.



We all know my self image in seriously screwed up. Me relating to other people is chancy to say the least. As for meeting the demands of life...I might be the smartest idiot alive.


So pretty much I'm screwed up for the mental health. Physically I'm okay. Socially...I wouldn't know where to begin. Despite all the reasons that I rejoice being...numb...I watch myself lose the fight. I wish I could care again. I wish when someone touched me different feelings were invoked. The was I feel now is just pathetic.

What i wouldn't give just to forget
What i wouldn't give to get some rest
So i can remember how to live again
I wanna live again


It's not that I have to deal with the aftermath of being emotionally attached to someone who didn't care about me at all.

It's more than that.

So much more.

I'm learning to turn myself off from the world. How is it that I've learned so much from the people who hurt me the most? I say, I don't want to be like you but here I am and there you were. That's stupid.

I used to be really different. I used to be very independent. I never needed anyone. I used to be confident in myself. I've always had my doubts but I never let them overwelm me.

Now I'm so lost. I'm numb. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away. When did I lose all the respect I had for myself? When did I stop being healthy? I walk around with so much knowledge. Knowledge is deadly.

What do you do when you know how you feel is wrong? If I can ever answer that question a lot of my problems would be solved. I'm not holding my breath. Will I ever care again?

Tough

Tonight was really hard.

My youth pastor announced that he has resigned his position and is following God's call to plant a church in Canada. Many of us, even those who don't normally cry, left with red faces. I'm not going to lie, it's tough.

But I don't feel sorry for myself. I mostly feel empathy towards he and his family. They have made a huge impact in my life and have really helped me to not lose my faith and trust in God and most of all in the church. Gosh, life really doesn't work out the way you want it too.

I see a lot of uncertainity in my future and to be honest, I'm scared. I don't know what I'm going to do next year. But somewhere n the back of my mind I know I'm going to be okay.

I told my parents what had happened and they both expressed sympathy to me knowing I really cared for these people and also that I had already experienced some much loss recently.

I don't know if I'm getting better at letting go or becoming less sensitive.

I was talking to a friend who had similiar feelings. I said to him, "It's easier when people die because then you don't feel the betrayal. Cause when people leave you begin to wonder, didn't you love me? And it feels like they didn't at all. Maybe it wasn't your fault that they left but you feel it is because they don't love you anymore. And that really hurts."

Yet, I don't feel that way. It's a nice feeling. Exactly why I'm not so sure but it almost feels as if I've moved beyond an obsticle. I know there are many many many still ahead but at least I've cleared one. Maybe God is working in my heart...I don't know. I'm not good at expressing my faith like that.

But I dunno. I have to survive three more days of school...finals. Ugggg so stupid.

He Makes Me Laugh

Autumn is upstairs crying because Sarah bit her, again.


Me: What happened?


Thomas: Sarah bit her again.


Joe: Does Mom need help?


Thomas: Well there isn't much she can do. Either they are going kill each other or get along.

Sometimes

Some days are not so bad.


Sometimes hope is a possibility.


But only if I hide what I am underneath the surface of who I appear to be.


School is ending. SAT's ar Saturday and I am nervous. Last day of school is next Wednesday. It'll be a bittersweet day. Will I ever see my classmates again? Everyone is teary and misses the seniors already even though their last day was yesterday. I almost feel like a senior myself...unsure of the future but knowing change in imminent and after this school year is over, things will never be the same again.

Left Alone

You know it's funny...teenagers are always asking for more freedom but when we actually get left on our own we sometimes don't know what to do. It feels just slightly overwelming.

For example, in October of last school year there was a 'fish placement' green team event. Attendence and participation would get us 30 extra credit points. By 'fish placement' we were literally throwing dead fish into the Clackamas River...why I don't know but the science teacher told us we were doing a good thing. Personally, eyeing the blood dripping, foul smelling, heavy dead fish, I wasn't so sure but the extra credit points called my name.

So my dad drives me and Lauren down to the area. We drive for about 10 miles through a boring, straight road surrounded by farm land. Pick up time: 11:00.

We do the gruesome deed not noticing my biology teacher hadn't actually bothered to show up. But the envirmental people seemed to know what they were doing and offered any direction we might have needed. With some many of us helping out it didn't take as long as we thought and we finished up at 10:00. Checking our cell phones we find we have no reception.
Waiting an hour didn't seem to ideal but we knew we had a ride coming. The sole remaining adults asked if we had a ride. We said yes, so she left.

Sitting under a cover, hiding from the rain it dawns on me that I've actually been abdoned by all adults to wait an hour in the rain ,in a strange park, in the middle of no where, with no cell phone reception at the age of fifteen. I wasn't sure if it was a feeling of triump or terror.

Lauren and I ended up walking in the direction of home. We just walk along the road and probably made it about a mile before my dad finally picked us up. At one point I achieved cell phone reception and called him to let him know we were out early and would meet him on the road.

It wasn't the longest time we were alone but it felt really strange. I'm not sure if the biology teacher ever found out. I know my Chem teacher (who is his wife) would never do that and actually goes with us on fieldtrips but I don't know. I think his problem is he wants to be a college professer, not a high school teacher. It was my thoughts that his hour and half lectures on enzemes to fifteen year olds were maybe efforts in vain.

But the event that sparked this memory actually happened to day in choir. Now Mr. D places a lot of trust and responsibility in the hands of his students. He tells us (in girl's choir) that we are intelligent young women and is pretty harsh if we do npot behave accordingly. He's a pretty fun teacher but he has high expectations. He also has the tendency to literally leave his 'varisty' level choirs to their own devices. That means we conduct ourselves. Oh yeah. The teacher will dissappear and the students teach themselves.

Lately, I know he's been really busy. A-Choir went to Washington D.C. over Memorial Day Weekend and that took a ton of planning and energy. But today was the day of the concert.

We walk in, no teacher. We start warm ups but thirty minutes into class, no teacher. The concert was tonight and the conductor is not present. I was not happy.

Our accompnist arrived but the piano was not in the choir room; it was on the stage where the drama class was practicing. So no teacher, no piano and no stage. The concert was tonight.

Finally someone goes to the office and he gets his butt to class. e said he was in a forty minute meeting with the principle and apologized but we had to get down to business so we could run through all our songs.

It's not that I'm opposed to not having adults around, I quite like it actually. It just frustrates me when I am left on my own when I'm in a situation where I'm depending on them.


But despite everything, we survived the biology trip and the concert went well.

For the present, my life is still depressing though. I spent first peroid cutting out people from magazines and then I completely trashed a model in photoshop. It was a good way to vent I believe. There's nothing like giving someone a black eye in photoshop. =)

If

As I lay at the bottom of the tub
Shower of water dripping down my back
I stare at the floating locks of hair
and wonder these things
If I left would you miss me
If I died would you care
or am I just a burden to you
a blotch in your perfection
a smear in your life
If i am i would go and leave you alone
I never wanted to cause you heart ache and pain
If all I am is selfish and vain there is no need to stay

The roses are red and the baby buds a golden yellow
What is beauty if not cherished
They say love never ends and I used to believe
but now I know, now I know, now I know
I was wrong
The people you think would love you forever
die
and new people take their place
different
the same but not at all
The person you knew and loved is gone
replaced by some ghost to haunt you
I can only wonder where you left
why you had to go
somewhere in the back of my mind
I know this to be true
that where you have gone
I want to go too

The rain drops pour and wash away life
the sunlight cries
pools of blood
I see all the beauty streaked with pain
Today I am haunted
by the ghosts of what you were
Knowing i'll never forget keeps them near
they say it was my fault
but I must refuse the responisbility
knowing i couldn't live with myself it were
I am to heal, to comfort
to protect not to destroy
yet lying in this tub of water
with water running down my face
I feel i have failed you
or even worse
myself