Tough

Tonight was really hard.

My youth pastor announced that he has resigned his position and is following God's call to plant a church in Canada. Many of us, even those who don't normally cry, left with red faces. I'm not going to lie, it's tough.

But I don't feel sorry for myself. I mostly feel empathy towards he and his family. They have made a huge impact in my life and have really helped me to not lose my faith and trust in God and most of all in the church. Gosh, life really doesn't work out the way you want it too.

I see a lot of uncertainity in my future and to be honest, I'm scared. I don't know what I'm going to do next year. But somewhere n the back of my mind I know I'm going to be okay.

I told my parents what had happened and they both expressed sympathy to me knowing I really cared for these people and also that I had already experienced some much loss recently.

I don't know if I'm getting better at letting go or becoming less sensitive.

I was talking to a friend who had similiar feelings. I said to him, "It's easier when people die because then you don't feel the betrayal. Cause when people leave you begin to wonder, didn't you love me? And it feels like they didn't at all. Maybe it wasn't your fault that they left but you feel it is because they don't love you anymore. And that really hurts."

Yet, I don't feel that way. It's a nice feeling. Exactly why I'm not so sure but it almost feels as if I've moved beyond an obsticle. I know there are many many many still ahead but at least I've cleared one. Maybe God is working in my heart...I don't know. I'm not good at expressing my faith like that.

But I dunno. I have to survive three more days of school...finals. Ugggg so stupid.