Chapters

I did something today. Well, I did a lot of things today but something special I want to share. I threw a reciet away.

No I'm not joking. I really did throw it away. It was from Hot Dog on a Stick back in February. It was the lemonade I bought that stupid boy. Today I threw it away.

I'm one of those people who hangs on to silly things that remind me of memories. I just can't part with them. But now I have, to offically show that I am over him. He messaged me the other day and honestly I didn't know what to say to him. It's like dude you broke my effin heart but I don't even care anymore. I've got better people in my life and I don't need you. Period.

That chapter of my life is closed.


I got a car today!!!!

Screw transition sentences.

It's a 1998 Mazda 626. It's forest green, gets about 20 mpg and was $1250. It does have some some crap wrong with it...it doesn't shift smoothly and the dude says it only goes into overdrive sometimes. The paint is beautiful; it's been well kept. The interior is nice, it only has a few dings and spots. I'm really excited about it. No more taking the bus to school and I won't have to wait an hour for my mom to pick me up from ballet. If that doesn't bring a smile to my face I don't know what will.

Sticks and Stones

Well I know I'm in trouble when it's only nine in the morning and I've already been told to go to hell. Oi.

Today was not a good day. A good night, but a terrible day.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt.

This dude who said this obviously didn't have texting. And he was on crack. Just like Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bad memories in health sciences....

Couldn't people just fuck off for once?

Burger King

By the time I got back from ballet I was already sore. haha Pointe made my toes hurt very bad but bthen it was my ankles that were sore. But it's okay. I like ballet.

I saw Hancock with friends. We went to Burger King afterward. We put those crowns on and sat in the back booth, taking pictures and laughing but not causing any trouble or being too loud. The old, wrinkled up Mexican manager walks to the back and yells at us for taking pictures. Yeah it's against the rules to take pictures at Burger King. (They actually have a sign out front that says so...why?)

But we're eating and I notice this asian dude sitting two booths back. He's looking at us when he thinks we aren't looking. He has a phone titled up and looks up at me, makes eye contact for a second, looks back down at his phone, presses a button and shut his phone.

I figured he took a picture and told my friend. So she shouts to him, "Did you just take a picture of us?"

He said he didn't but we're all like "where are your friends" and start like talking to him and laughing.

Then he we pose for him and he takes a picture. She asks him to send it to her. She tells him her phone number but then he shuts his phone and won't send it to us. "But thanks for the picture. It's a nice picture."

We're just like dude are you serious? But it was really funny.

Patient Now

I went to see a counselor today. Ha now I'm offically a mental patient.

Well actually I'm not. I requested one a while ago. I don't remember why anymore though.

I was babysitting today and Emily was watching me freak out and she like, "You have issues."

All I could say was, "You're right, I do."

Today was too much walking. We had to walk Andy to his school for some recreation group he wanted to go to, walk home again and then back to pick him up. Each trip took about a half hour, approx. two hours of walking total. By the time we had made it back to the house we only had ten minutes before we had to leave to get him again. Wow. Babysitting in painful. Most people have no idea...

Gossip

What annoys me the most: person A says something to person B. Person B tells person C. Then person C gets angry at person A because person B said it and person B is their friend so they would NEVER lie. Oh shut up. Everyone is a liar. This is how fights begin. They happen because of something someone said that no said. It's those "helpful" friends that start everyone.

Is it too much to ask to hope people can their facts straight first? Just because person B said it doesn't mean it's true. Person B isn't necessarily going out of their way to lie, maybe they misunderstood or took something out of context but either way get your facts straight! So much drama could be avoided if you would just do that.

I know everyone loves to imagine their BFFS are always just and true but that is not the case at all. Grow up! How long have we been playing this game? Don't you know that by now? We started when we were eight. Now we're sixteen and seventeen. That's more than enough time. If you're older, well you don't have an excuse either.



But WHATEVER. I don't even see how my personal life is that interesting at all. Read my blog and you'll realize, I'm honestly pretty boring just with a few heart breaks here and there.

I spent the night with girl friend last night. She wanted to go see a movie but we didn't have cash or transportation. We found some quaters and begged two dollars off a neighbor for the bus. We missed the bus though so we had to wait almost an hour. I swear every effin guy that drove by had to honk.

We saw Mamma Mia which I loved. She thought it was a little strange but liked a couple of the songs. I wouldn't recommend it to guys but it's great for girls, filled with mishaps, dancing, singing and bright colors.

My dad gave us a ride back home.

Today Autumn got baptised. I photographed it but I don't currently have any of the shots.

We ate food all day today. I'm going to be walking like a duck tomorrow.

Got to go take that antibodic that is finally working. It make me so sick at first but now I wouldn't even know I have strep.

Strep

I have strep throat. Joy.

My throat isn't even sore. It's my stupid right ear. Everytime I swollow it hurts.

I really hope I didn't give it too anyone. I just came down with the symptoms on Sunday. I keep getting a fever too which amazingly sucks. Antibiotics will prevent me from passing it on to anyone after tomorrow but still, who wants to be around someone with strep? That's what I thought.

Ballet starts back up tomorrow too. Joy. I can't skip but I don't want to collapse during class. Grrr. Problems, problems. It's two hours too. I could fake an hour...two? I don't know.

Sectioned

I'm so happy right now I feel like my feet will float off the ground any moment.

I think I've sectioned off my life into seperate catagories. My favorite can cancel out all the bad ones.

I'm working on self dicipline. I will not look at the things that will depress me. I will think about the things that make me smile. It's amazing how mental these things are. If you set your mind to something, anything can happen.

I hope anyways.

Fugitive

Haha fuguitive is amazing. I just wish I could have lasted longer. The guys didn't explain the game to me, unless you count "stay with me" and the occasional "hide!" lol oh my gosh I was so grateful when I got tagged. Running for long periods of time is not me.

I'm gonna start working on that. =) lol

Yes I'm really hyper now. Oh and teenage boys are awesome drivers. Really. =p

These are the moments when I'm so glad to be 17.

I can't help but wonder though...if you put your brake on and then accelerate really fast so the tires scream, doesn't that wear down your tires? Haha I'm such a girl. It'll be interesting to see what kind of driver I turn out to be. I like to drive fast. =) Mum gets mad at me if I turn over like 10 mph...seriously. cough. sucks.

Okay my back hurts so I'm gonna go lay on a heating pad and listen to music or maybe I'll dance around my room.

Confused

I am so confused right now. Relationships are complicated. Hmm I'm not sure other than I don't know what to do.

What do I want? I think I know but at the same time I keep thinking...do I really want that? What if...so many choices! Ahhh

I feel sick. My chest hurts. Thinking about the Fellows today, flipping through photo albums made me cry. Grr I'm supposed to be over them. One of these days I swear...

I'm Ready

You know today actually wasn't a bad day. My life is so much happier now! I can't stop smiling.

So even though my mom has more drama than one person can handle, today wasn't bad. She'll be okay though because she's got us on her side and while we can't protect her we can stand with her and fight. It's crazy that some people actually think they can mess with us.

I didn't want to get involved because none of this has been aimed at me. Even though it felt like the Fellow's hated me them never actually said "I hate you." I held off because I couldn't bear the thought of them not being a part of my future. I know this sounds stupid but imagining them not being there at my wedding someday is more than I could take. They were like my aunt and uncle, family and I really loved them.

But this is wrong. It's been too long and I can't let them hurt me like this. What they are doing is wrong and I can't stand by and watch anymore. When I look at them I don't see the people I used to love. It wouldn't be right to let them back in.

So that's why I'm doing this.

I'll always miss Noah and Nathan and Megan and Ian and Mary and David. I will always love them no matter what. They are so precious and important to me. That will never change. But I can't be part of their lives anymore. So it's goodbye. I knew it that last time I went to babysit in January that it was goodbye.

So it's goodbye. God who always says that. No excuse me, "So this is goodbye." God knows I heard it enough.

Letting go of people is hard. But it's a part of life.

But for now I'm embracing the people in my life. For now, life is good. I'm happy. You can't change the past but I'm ready to declare independence from it. I'm ready.

My Turn

This is bullshit but it's fucking funny.


"So my last blog was less than mature."

Didn't read it, couldn't comment. Sadly

"I was angry. I am not sorry I posted it but my prayer was answered so I removed it."

First of all people keep God out of your arguments. He is staring down at you in heaven shaking his head. Why? Because you're an idiot and he knows he has to love you anyway. What a depressing thought. I so like to imagine you in hell. bitch.

"She will not control me. She can call my husband and she just reveals again that she doesn't care about anyone but herself."

If by control you mean get you to shut the fuck up and stop making up lies then yes by all means we plan to control you. Deal with it. Liars deserve to be punished.

"It is over. We have no friendship and no camaraderie."

Great. We hate you too. Now tell that to your husband who loves to drive by our house, stare at us and make us feel uncomforterble.

"I love her and in spite of her selfishness I wish her only the best.I pray for complete healing for her because this is a serious illness; believing she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants regardless of anyone else's feelings."

Wow. You aren't friends anymore but you love her. That makes total sense. You say she has an illness? She went on a fucking walk. That is allowed. Yes shocking I know. But obviously you don't so maybe you should flip open a law book and read. This is America, we have the freedom to walk with people until restraining orders are placed. No wait let me guess, you're applying for one of those too? If I walk by your house will you get one on me?

"I pray for her when I can bring myself to and I ask others to pray for her when I cannot. But I do not believe there will ever be anything between us but distrust."

You pray for her? "Dear Lord please may a spontaneous fire consume her and may she go to hell." yeah thanks but no thanks. Your damn right there won't be anything but distrust because you are a liar and the children of this home would spit on your face. Sorry we don't forgive suckers who try to destroy our lives in the name of God.

"In the end when we meet in heaven we will know each other but we will not know the hurt and pain that has been caused here. The most important thing of all will be meeting Jesus."

What the fuck?

"If anyone is not there that I thought would be, I wonder if I will feel any sorrow for their lost souls? I don't think so because there is no sorrow in heaven. So for now I will pray for the souls of those people who have not found Christ and chosen Him for their Savior. I pray that they will open their hearts to Christ and ask Him in so that we can all rejoice in His presence together. That's what will matter in the end."

What the fuck?


Anyone else care to be an idiot? Feel free to respond; you can give me more to write about.

Messy

I'm getting stressed again. I gave a sickening feeling in my chest. Earlier I went on another cleaning fit.

Babysitting for two more days and then I'm getting away for awhile. No more kids. grrrr

Not that today wasn't alright. Andy and Emily can be charming when they aren't fighting. We went to the park again today. While walking along the streets I was elected to go first. That way if a car hit me they'd have time to run and then they would sue...or something like that? I dunno but their dad is the representor for their district (He is so popular he's run unopposed for the past two elections) so maybe they would be important enough to sue for having thir babysitter run over? Sometimes though as the cars speed by I wish they would hit me and end this.

Andy was saying how some girls he knew could jump up into the air, toss their legs up and touch their toes. When he got back I had to try. Yes, I can do it.

Next, I attempted a cartwheel, fully ready to meet face to face with failure but to everyone's surprise it was perfect. I was like, wow. Then I did it again and again. =)
Andy says I can be a world class gymnist now. haha Or that I should try out for cheerleading.

After telling him about how it was a goal of mine to be able bend over backwards down into a bridge Andy told how he'd some girls learned. I stood up with my back to the wall eight inches away and walked my hands down the wall to the floor. I was very impressed with myself today.

Eight more days till class starts again. Too long to wait. I'm dreading the end of August. It can't come yet. I'm not ready.

Tiring

Today made me tired.

We all make it to church at eight this morning. Mom had to go to praise team rehersal and childcare didn't open until fifteen after. So I got to watch the clan for a bit...Joe was pouting about how he wanted to be asleep and Autumn was mouthing off as usual.

First service after I had gotten rid of the girls we hung out in the cafe. We bought drinks and I studied from my driver's manual. Second service Will went to middle school church and Joe, Thomas and I to service. Third I dropped Thomas off at class and then went to high school with Joe. Afterwards I got to go and collect Thomas, Autumn and Sarah again. Every classroom handed me a stack of papers to carry, in addition to everyone's hoodie, the diaper bag and Chomper (Autumn's loviee). As I was walking out of the nursery area trying to not loose any of them with my hands full one of the main kid's leaders was standing their watching me. I'm like, "I swear this is the best kind of birth control," and he laughed at me.

By the time my mom found us it was me who ran up to her, gave her hug and told her she didn't have any idea how much I'd missed her. How does she do it? It was exhusting.

But today wasn't really a bad day. I was supposed to go to New Hope picnic but it was all church and I didn't feel up to braving all the adults who don't like me there. So I watched Pirates 2 and listened to music. I might dance later...or sleep. I'm so tired.

Babysitting tomorrow. Joy. At least it gets me out of the house.

Trash and Treasures

Today was a good day. I even cleaned my room by actually going through my dresser and closet and getting rid of clothing I don't want anymore. Now the drawers actually close. =)

This morning mum, Joe, Will and I went down to Happy Valley Park to pick up trash for Summer of Service (and because we're nice). We found some very interesting items among and endless wrappers and water bottles.

Me

• 3 AA Batteries
• Baby Bottle with pink liquid inside
• lip gloss
• really cute guy

Other finds included

• positive pregnancy test
• hat
• children's sandals
• pink razor cell phone
• coat

It's always fun to see what crazy stuff you find during trash cleanups. I remember at the beginning of the year when we went up to Seaside for the beach cleanup how we found a package of ham, fireworks and another group found a mattress spring. I guess people don't like to throw things away? I don't know.

No Independence

Happy Independence Day...4th of July.




I hate holidays.



It's funny how something happens and you think that everything is going to be beautiful and amazing but then reality crashes the morning after. It's always that way, isn't it?




Maybe someday I'll declare independence from my past and move on. Someday...but for now I have none.

Need Something

I had a disturbing thought tonight. I have babysitting this week and next but what about the week after that? I will have nothing. I had nothing on Monday and it drove me crazy. I cannot handle so much downtime. I used to revel in it...but not anymore. I need to be active, I need to be tired, I need to be stressed and rushing around. I need that. When I don't have it...I think too much. I write and I dream and I cry. I don't want that all summer.

I miss ballet. We have a two week break...I start again on July 15. After technique is pointe! I'm so excited. I've had my shoes for a few weeks now and I want to dance in them so bad! It's killing me to leave them alone in the that little box on my end table....

The only exciting thing at home is mom saying she is going to get the house together...and she sounded determined. She tried to clean Autumn's room today. I no longer have to try to describe my frustrations to her. Oh no Autumn's room is a very detailed picture.

Sarah is driving all of us crazy. She cries nonstop. At my dad's insistence I went to be used for slave labor at the store with my mom last night. While I was bagging the groceries I observed the woman in front of me. She had a little girl, four months old, who was crying. I could tell by the expression of the mother that the baby had been crying for a long time. She looked exhusted, frustrated and I could see that every cry hit a nerve in the mother.

That cry was so soft compared to Sarah's screaming. I think that when your own kid cries it hurts you more than anyone else. I'm serious. It's like we're all more attuned to Sarah because she's our responsibility. Cause I remember her four month cry being way worse than this girl's cry.

grrrrrr


potty training sucks.

Inspiring Eye Candy

"I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in the world besides evil."






"...Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? This shadow. But in the end its only a passing thing. Even darkness must pass. A new day comes. And when the sun shines it will shine out clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something. Even if you were to small to understand why but I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept on going because they were holding on to something...that there's some good in the world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

Is it slightly disturbing that I learn most of my life lessons from the Lord of the Rings?
But on a more humorus note...how could I not fall in the love with the trilogy...good God look at the actors. They so beautiful.


First up we have Aragorn.

Next is Boromir. He's on the left. I love how he is such a contrast to his brother who is Mr. yelling and and lose his temper while Boromir is the baby faced second best son who goes to battle completely hopeless to gain his father's approval. It's tragic.

I forget this dude's name but he is also amazin beautiful. Here's an action shot.

I saved th best for last. =) Yes I know I'm a sucker for Orlando Bloom but can you blame me? He's grogeous. I think he should go long and blond permanently...he looks even better here than in Pirates.

I think I was in a bad mood but not any more. lol I really do love those movies though.


I finished watching the 3rd one for the 2nd time last night. Sarah joined me and we laid on my bed in the dark, sharing my waffles. I'm not really a responsible babysitter for her. So what if they are spilling blood and guts on TV? Not my problem...who wants to watch Dumbo anyways? Seriously, she doesn't.

Honestly I don't care what she does as long as she doesn't die and is quiet. So if she asks me for candy hell yeah I'll give it to her. I'm not getting paid and she's very loud, like Autumn. Autumn gets nothing though. But if she ever ends up tied up to a post and gagged, I had no part in it.