RIP Aimee

Dear Aimee,

I am very sad to have heard that you passed away. You were such a stronger fighter, I honestly didn't think you wouldn't make it.

I remember when you first were really sick with the cancer and the entire New Hope youth group prayed and cried for you and your cancer went away. I wish it hadn't come back.

Did I know you very well? No, I didn't. You were so quiet the one day I met you. From what I've heard, you are a very special person. I didn't realize cancer strikes when it's least expected and steals lives from the people you know.

I know you fought hard and I hope you are in heaven, free from all your pain and able to really rest. Your family is in my thoughts during this time. It must be really hard for them. I can't even imagine.

Sincerely,
Emily Rose

Interview With a Boy

Cheating has interested since my mom and Matt's scandal. What makes a person cheat? Who's fault is it? Should you forgive a person and stay with them or once a cheater always a cheater? Can you ever trust a cheater again?

I informally interviewed one of my guy friends this morning via text message.

What made you cheat? Was it exciting?
No...with my first girlfriend i felt like she liked being around her friends more and that her friends were just going to make her break up with me. And the second was I didn't feel like she was defending me and she was going against the things she said.

Did you cheat because you thought you were going to break up or were unhappy?
Both

Would you have cheated if you had been happier in your relationship and were going to stay together?
Idk I was dumb then. I figured they wouldn't break up with me.

If you had stayed together, would you have cheated again?
Well my first one I cheated twice for the same reasons and then she just broke up with me for some other guy. The second one we were together after and we would have stayed together if her mom hadn't been a crazy bitch.

My Doll Collection

We performed our show My Doll Collection tonight and it went great! I'm really tired between this week suffed with rehersals in addition to playing "mommy" yesterday while my mom had a quick surgery.

Right now I want two things: sleep and a real conversation with the boy who makes my heart flutter. I wish for so many things right now. I don't think this will end well.

Story of my life? No, I'm doing better this time. Maybe I won't get this right, but I'm not suicidal or extremely depressed. I'm just Emily, doing the best I can in not so great situations.

So is there a situation? No but I have instinicts. I don't need a fortune teller to predict the future. I just hang on while I can, make the most of my last moments with the boy I want more than anything right now.

We Apire To Be Flawed?

I've decided ballet is insanity.

We all willingly sign up for performances, excited at the thought of costumes and time on the stage. Then, without fail, the week of the performance, we all look at each other and wish we had not gotten ourselves into it in the first place.

That's where I am right now-knee deep in rehersals. Jacquie finds a reason to yell at me every moment I'm in front of her. I hide instead, fret every moment I have to dance in front on her, knowing she'll tear me apart from the inside out. My knees aren't bent deep enough, I didn't look at Amy, I missed some correction I should have caught. It's brutal work, dancing.

However, that's not what I wanted to comment on. It was the thoughts that ran through my head while watching the advanced girls dance.

They were beautiful. They were graceful. They were quick.

But they made mistakes.

They were flawed. They were late. They stumbled.

The advanced dancers are what the rest of us aspire to be. We aspire to be flawed?

These girls are one level ahead of me. Either this year or next, I'll be one of them. But even though their technique is much more advanced than my own, they are still flawed. The quest for perfection still escapes them.

Which makes me realize that no matter how hard we try, we will never capture perfection. We will never be perfect. We will never truely be ballet dancers because ballet is perfection. We will always be students, killing ourselves to reach for the perfection.

Most dancers are passionate about dance. I'm not. I dance to fullfill my need to be good, to be perfect. Where will this leave me? I don't know. Open House is on Saturday, two days. I'm almost glad my best friend and boyfriend can't make it.

First Swine Flu Death In Oregon

Swine Flu death has hit Oregon.

A Marion County woman with confirmed novel H1N1 (swine) influenza died on Sunday.
As is the case of other flu strains, the number of reported cases of H1N1 influenza is declining. The most recent report from the Oregon Public Health Laboratory showed that 168 cases of H1N1 swine influenza in 13 counties had been confirmed since the beginning of the outbreak. The counties are Clackamas, Clatsop, Columbia, Jackson, Lane, Lincoln, Linn, Marion, Multnomah, Polk, Umatilla, Washington and Yamhill. The largest numbers of reported cases were in Multnomah and Polk counties, with 50 and 41 cases, respectively. Statewide, the cases ranged in age from infant to 78 years, with an average age of 16.
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/153707.php

When the Swine Flu became the topic of every news article, I was on edge. With my bad luck and poor immune system combined, I was sure I would contract the virus as soon as it hit Oregon. Waiting for it to travel to the state tested my patience but soon enough, it spread inside our boarders. It was talked about nonstop for a few days.

And then...we just forgot about it. Sure, we joke around about the need to sanitize your hands after touching everything, but the so called H1N1 became more of a news story and less of a teenage social concern.

Now, someone actually has died from it. Here. In Oregon.

Furthermore, there have been confirmed positive cases in my county. That's hitting a little too close to home.

However, it did mention in the article that about 400 people die from the flu every year in Oregon. 1 person is hardly significant. No wonder the flu shots are advertised so much in the winter seasons.

I can remember the year my family got the flu. It's one of the sickest I've ever felt for about four days ( I tested negative for flu, given antibiotics for bronchitis), though I can't say last summer's case of strep throat was much better. Yet never once did our week of fevers, coughing, sleeping, throwing up and sniffling did I think we might actually die from it.

I'm left with mixed feelings about the swine flu. I hope scientists unravel its mysterys soon.

Back To Kindergarten

Being a teenager is the strangest thing. We do funny things, sleep in bizarre places, make the biggest messes, attain money in convincing ways, talk with the loudest tone and wear the most unusual clothes. Yet, would I trade my life for anything? No I really wouldn't.

I am not looking forward to having to share my room for the entire summer. It wasn't my idea and I do not support it. She doesn't belong here. I can't tell her that, she won't listen to me. She's stuck in the middle of an identity crisis. I fell out of mine awhile ago. No longer am I clingy-she is.

24 hours of entertaining her will drive me to my death. Sharing my friends, my room, my closest, my family, my house can easily become to much. I'm a first born, a terrible sharer. Maybe I need to go back to Kindergarten and learn.

Will I survive this summer?

The Last Unicorn Is An Amazing Movie

I'm planning an afternoon.with him. It makes my heart flutter.

Everyone says we are weird when we just catch each other's eyes and stare back. It's those moments where I can't help but want to say I lov...

I did it; I forgave my friends. I was really upset, but knowing they didn't do it on purpose, I put them on on probation. For my own sake, I'm going to make a habit of searching my car before I leave it. And I will volunteering to drive less.

I'm no good at holding grudges. Or hating people. Except for the devil (Todd). I get this uncontrolable anger everytime I see him, which happens to be almost everyday. I cannot relate to my mother at all anymore. She doesn't agree with the decisions I'm making but I sure as hell can't even begin to understand/forgive her for the decisions she's making. End of story.

What do I expect? She is still a child. So frequently she tells me I am immature, but she is too naive to see I am years older and wiser than she. Someday she might realize the truth. Maybe...

Are You Kidding Me?

Hey friends, can't thank you enough for f****** me over!

They left a pipe in my car and my mother just happened to be searching through my car and found it. I did not know it was in there. Have I mentioned drugs in my car is against my rules that my friends refuse to listen to?

And since she is still pissed about smelling the beer the same friend spilled in the backseat (once again I didn't know until it was too late) I am in a s***load of trouble.

So now I don't know what happens, other then I've completely lost all trust and respect from my parents because they absolutely hate drugs. I have never smoked anything ever but according to my mother I'm a loser for being friends with people who do.

F***!

It totally ruined my day yesterday which should have been a really awesome day because Alex and I got back together on Saturday! This whole thing really pisses me off.

What's worse is my friend is acting like I'm the bad guy for being so angry at them. They want me to lie and cover their ass so they don't get in trouble because it was an accident. I want them to be responsible for once and owe up to what they did. But no, this is solely on my shoulders. Fuck immature friends. Fuck friends who don't respect my property. Fuck my life.

High School Graduate

I graduated from high school this week.

When saying the word, graduated, it doesn't seem like a big deal but it is.

It's not that I pulled together an SSE (I exceeded and raised the bar for all transfer students. I am perfectly content to brag), completed more than 26 credits, completed CIM (which is no longer recognized) along with all the other "high school" requirements. I completed an entire 12 years of school.

12 years is a long time.

Back in first grade I was learning to read and add numbers. I've come a long way since then.

I'm heading off to Mt. Hood in the fall. I had been planning on going to Cal State Fullerton but moving threw me off. When people ask me if I plan to stay in Oregon or in California, I never know what to tell them. The answer is simply, I don't know.

The future is confusing for me. I have to take it moment by moment or else it completely throws me off.

But I hope good things will happen.

You Don't Really Know Me

I've lost a lot of people but even with experience, it doesn't ever get any easier. It weighs on me, brings me down, and hides my happiness. Sometimes I forget and move on. Most of the time, I'm not so lucky.

I find songs to describe how I feel. I write poems and stories to portray emotion. I make friends with people who remind me of who I lost and friends that help me to forget.

In the end there is no easy way to lose someone.

If I refuse to let them go, it's harder then it has to be. Knowing this, I should just let him go. We were only together for eleven weeks, which in the grand scheme of life is not very much. But I was falling in love with him, so letting him go, even after only eleven weeks, is extremely difficult.

I thought there was hope for us to stay, but I don't really believe it is possible anymore. Not because me, because of him. I'm not perfect, but I proudly proclaim that I did not make any mistakes in this relationship. I worked really hard to be as perfect as possible, to not repeat any old mistakes. It still didn't work out, meaning it was his fault, not mine.

If only he could get his act together. He told me that he was leaving me so he wouldn't bring me down in the future. That this break up would hurt me now but would save me pain in the future. I don't think he knows me half as well as he thinks he does.

There is still a flickering glimmer of hope, but if I close my eyes I can't see it. I'm scared to imagine having to move on.

Life was good but now it's just okay. I'm really lucky and privilaged but I do feel pain. My life is bittersweet chocolate.

It Was My Last True Day Of High School Forever

Day one of forever without him?

There is nothing you can do...your still in my thoughts and my heart

What a horrible thing to say...and what the fuck is it supposed to mean anyway? I don't want to be friends with him.

I really really hate falling in love with boys.