RoseinGarden

Friday, April 23, 2010

Church People Should Stay Out Of The City

Yesterday when I was following friends around downtown I ran into a man handing out bookmarks and a woman who was wearing a 4 sided hat that said free dvds. The type of people you run away in the opposite direction when you see them, but I guess I wasn't thinking straight.

The first problem we had was I wouldn't take the bookmark. I really didn't want a piece of paper that said God Bless You. Then he offered me a pamphlet. I didn't want that either. I told him I already knew what it said. Then the two of them started throwing out fancy words for the pope and saying how 666 was written on some dude's head and this was all written in the Bible and church was supposed to be on Saturday but someone got it wrong. I got myself into my trouble when I said I don't believe in 666 because it's a symbol band a symbol only means what you believe it to me. All different types of cultures and religions have them but that doesn't mean they actually matter or mean something.

Oh and the dvds were about creationism being a science. I really wanted to tell the woman who was wearing a basket and the 4 sided hat that she looked hideous. I didn't.

Then if it couldn't get more argumentative, we started arguing over whether Jesus even believed in religion. I said no, he talked about faith and gathering together to worship, not about organized religion. Miss lady ugly said yes. I'm pretty sure I won.

The whole reason I did this? Because 3 weeks ago a man came up to me at 8:30 in the morning and told me I was a bad person because I didn't have Jesus. And this was before I had any coffee. Bad move.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Car Accident

I don't believe in karma. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. You can do everything perfect and something can still mess you up. It just happens. You find out your spouse had an affair. You get laid off from your job of nine years. Your house forecloses. Your teenager gets pregnant. You get breast cancer. Your father has a heart attack. There was no way you saw it coming. It just happened and left you behind to pick up the pieces.

What I do believe in is irony. It isn't just a literary term, it's the monster of humerous regret. It's what propels me to laugh after I daydreamed of selling my car, saving up money and getting a small loan to buy another car and then while sitting at a stop light I watch a semi trruck polow into my windshield and crush the car door. It's the feeling in the back of my mind while I watch my car in the back of a tow truck leave me behind on the street corner while I play ring around the rosey with insurance companies and discover what it means to not have any collision insurance.


Ironically enough however, I cannot will myself to feel any great loss other than a growing resentment of the bus. I'm still not an optimist and am afraid of being blamed for an accident that wasn't my fault, but I do not fear what happens between now and my next car. Maybe that's growth on my part. I'm really not sure.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dreaming About A New Car

Making payments on my student loan always makes me happy. After I apply the leftover grant money to it (hey who says I can't pay winter tuition with spring tuition money) I will only have 140 dollars left. Whoohoo!

What I'm really excited about is that I might be able to get the front bumper on my car replaced for 70 to 100 dollars! It's super banged up. Would also like to get new lights in the front. I think the tape makes it a little tacky lol. My excuse for spending money on it is that if it looks super banged up, no one will buy it. If i looks nicer on the outside and runs good for the test drive, then I can actually sell it for something. (Maybe the truth is I just hate the looks car guys give me whenever they see the front of it.)  Amazingly I haven't had a single problem with it since December. Oh my goodness. Need to keep up the good work. =)

By summer hope to start saving up to buy a new car. I want one that is only 5 or 6 years old with less than 70,000 miles on it. My Mazda is 12 years old with 130,000 miles on it. Why less than 70,000? I don't know, it just sounded like a nice number to me though less than 50,000 miles would be freaking amazing.

And the car has to go fast. I like driving fast.

Friday, April 2, 2010

It's Been a Week

I'm homesick for a home that doesn't exist anymore. Sure the house is still there will the odd yard decorations the new family picked but my home is gone. It left.

I miss the noise. My big soft bed. Pippin barking all the time. Sarah and Autumn fighting. Thomas and Autumn fighting. Loud music playing at any time of the day. The insane dinner time hour. Everything that makes my home the home that it is.

But how can I feel lonely if I have chosen this for myself? How can I wish to stay here if I feel incomplete? I don't know what I want. All I know is that I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want people to be okay with whatever decision I ultimately make.

I wonder if anyone else knows how often I think about running away. Maybe I'd go to Ohio and help Lauren take care of her baby. Maybe I'd go to New York and be poor and cold. Maybe I'd stand at the street corners with a cardboard sign. If I can't make both my friends and my family happy then why not just leave? Why is it so damn important to make everyone happy?

I've had a great week with lots of laughter and mini adventures. I started school, braved the storms and prolonged my sickness. I finished a book, took a nap with Dane on the floor and fogged up the windows in my car late at night. It's in trying to heal physically that I must confront what I've been running away from since Grammy died. You'd think it would have happened sooner but I know if I stay here I'll always be running. If I go there I'll always regret.

Is there even an answer? I can't tell anymore.