It's Been a Week

I'm homesick for a home that doesn't exist anymore. Sure the house is still there will the odd yard decorations the new family picked but my home is gone. It left.

I miss the noise. My big soft bed. Pippin barking all the time. Sarah and Autumn fighting. Thomas and Autumn fighting. Loud music playing at any time of the day. The insane dinner time hour. Everything that makes my home the home that it is.

But how can I feel lonely if I have chosen this for myself? How can I wish to stay here if I feel incomplete? I don't know what I want. All I know is that I want people to stop telling me what to do. I want people to be okay with whatever decision I ultimately make.

I wonder if anyone else knows how often I think about running away. Maybe I'd go to Ohio and help Lauren take care of her baby. Maybe I'd go to New York and be poor and cold. Maybe I'd stand at the street corners with a cardboard sign. If I can't make both my friends and my family happy then why not just leave? Why is it so damn important to make everyone happy?

I've had a great week with lots of laughter and mini adventures. I started school, braved the storms and prolonged my sickness. I finished a book, took a nap with Dane on the floor and fogged up the windows in my car late at night. It's in trying to heal physically that I must confront what I've been running away from since Grammy died. You'd think it would have happened sooner but I know if I stay here I'll always be running. If I go there I'll always regret.

Is there even an answer? I can't tell anymore.