19th Birthday

Yes I am 19 now. Hurray! At first I wasn't sure if being 19 was a good thing or not but I've decided that yes, it is indeed a good thing.

On my birthday I went to Castle Rock, Washington for Alex's grandfather's funeral and attended my first Catholic mass and my first military burial. That night my mom made strawberry cake. On Friday we went to eat at Chen's Mongolian Grill. Friday night Breezy and I stayed up all night taking care of Lauren's baby so she could rest before she caught her early morning flight to Ohio. Saturday was my party at Mark's house. Alex, Mark, Spencer, Brandon, Pat, Amanda, James, Demetrius and Jester came. Alex made me a cute fish bowl cake.

My presents:

 

Purse from Alex

  

Wallet from Breezy

Phone from Mom

It was a fun weekend.

The Couples Ice Dancing Is Beautiful

Without constant classes, babysitting or ballet, I am feeling lost. It depresses me not being busy. My mom always says it's good to be bored once in awhile but I'm not so sure.

I'd be at the gym, but I want to give my ankle a chance to heal. I slipped on the stairs last Wednesday and landed very hard on my heel. My story is better though. I went to a spa in Florida and had a special olive oil treatment on my feet. I didn't like it though so I tried to rinse off my feet in a pond. An alligator saw me and bit down on my right foot. He didn't like the taste of olive oil though so he let go of my foot and left me alone.

You like?

I Want To Start Over

I want to swim again.

I want to wear sunglasses and be able to see. To not observe the world in the blurry way that I do.

I want to be surrounded by people I can freely touch who won't touch me first.

I want to cry out all my tears in an 80 degree pool of water that is surrounded by roses and kissed by loving rays of the sun.

I want to drink a blackberry smoothie.

I want to forget this and walk away, start over.

180 Dollars Closer To Freedom

Denial is a powerful force. If I don't think about it it didn't happen.

Made it to the bank today.

The money I borrowed from mom to buy textbooks? 100% paid back. and I made my first payment towards winter tuition. I have paid about 8.6% of the total loan.

I feel good about this. At least I actually accomplished something. 

You Cannot Deny Physical Pain

It's been a great two days outside.

I'm inside.

I feel like an elephant stomped on my foot anytime I wiggle my ankle. My throat feesl like I drank a bag of gravel. Last night I wanted to throw up and my head felt like someone had smacked it with a hammer. To top it off I had cramps that were so bad I was positive that someone was grinding their knee into my stomach.

Math teacher bugged me last night. He said for us to chose the method that was least unpleasant. It should be most pleasant. You always want to use the positive form of words. (as opposed to you never want to use the negative form of words. haha) Oh well. He's a math teacher. What does he know?

Today Didn't Happen

You know how when you imagine a reality for a really long time and then it's stolen beneath your feet and you can't figure out what the hell happened?

That was my day today.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Oh Crap Oh Crap I've Got To Pass Clinical

Clinical is overwhelming. The focus is misplaced; it shouldn't be on demonstrating and getting skills checked off as much as it should be proficiency. Because of this I'm not doing as well as I could be. I get performance anxiety whenever one of the teachers watch me if I'm feeling even slightly under prepared. Sometimes I don't get a few times to practice before the teacher see's me and we just don't have that kind of time. Clinical only lasts 10 days.

The first couple of days I walked around convinced that I was going to be kicked out of the class. When I wasn't being watched I did slightly better. Learning was frustrating but I did enjoy the time I spent getting to know the residents on the skilled hallway.

This week I was in the ICF hallway and unfortunately I found many of the residents there less than endearing. Independently performing skills is a struggle for me. But I'm trying. I'm really really trying. The CNA I work under usually finds mistakes that I made. I make my partner help me a lot. Yes I'm improving but it's happening slowly. A big fear of mine is that if I start working as a CNA and have 6 or 7 residents to get ready in the morning that I'm just flat out not going to be able to do it. That's a bad thing. I have to be able to do it.

I only have three full days and one half day to get everything else done and become a decent student NA. That is so not enough time! I need an extra week. I'm seriously going to have to step up my game...this is so hard. Can I do this? I have too...I need this to be my job...

At First I Heard That The Saints And Cults Were Playing.

I liked the Denny's chicken commercials the best. This has been a pretty big weekend for me. Friday I went all Katy Perry on some girl, yesterday I went to my first rave and today we had a mini superbowl party. In between all this I had 2 panic attacks that were completely different from each other.

Now I've got to go back to life again. So sad. My alarm clock is set for 4:45 (and 5 and 5:15) and my coffee maker is ready to go. I can survive 32 hours of training and some babysitting this week can't I?

Oh and I need to get to the gym as much as possible between now and the 20th. The next rave is then and since I was overdressed in a halter top and skinny jeans, I'll end up showing some more skin. Would rather not have my stomach hanging out all over the place then. (And for me I can lose 2 pounds and look super skinny. I can gain 2 pounds and look like a size 6. But who's counting pounds anyway?)

Blond Emily Gets Into Trouble

Do blonds have more fun or do they just get into more trouble?

I think I've had a horrible night. It's 6 in the morning and I've completely given up trying to sleep...another panic attack. If I can concentrate on something and not think about it, I don't feel quite as out of control. If I think about it I start to freak out. At any rate I'm not getting any sleep tonight.

You know how sometimes at parties one person gets too much and they end up acting totally inappropriate? That was me. I'm pretty sure all the girls I saw tonight think I'm an idiot while most of the guys want to hook up with me. And I really made out with a girl? And Alex is actually mad at me for doing it? Holy crap.

I really should have stayed home and worked on my story like I wanted too in the first place.

Student Nursing Assistant

Orienation? No way.

We were shoved off the diving board into a shark filled pool. It was scary. Today was easier than yesterday. I have about a dozen or two more skills to practice. There is a huge different between working on the skilled unit and the ICF unit.

Sorry for the fragment sentences. It's all I've got right now. 5 in the morning alarm clocks may be the culprit.

Clinical Starts Tomorrow

Oh my gosh I am a nervous wreck.

Gait bait, watch, scrubs, name tag.

Oh wait keys, directions, license, snacks.

What am I supposed to do with my cell phone? Are they going to do a full day of orientation? What if I don't wake up at 5? What if I can't find the group?

I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Really

Extended Again

It's February first. My extended goals deserve an update but their status is still in progress.

• Jog three miles-I briskly walked two miles
• Run an 8 minute mile-I ran a 10.30 minute miles
• Middle Splits-Improved by 6 centimeters

I had a while list of goals but these are the only ones I worked on over the last month. So obviously I didn't work really hard but it did try a little. That counts for something right? I'm extending them again into this month (because once again this is my game so I make up the rules) and planning to add one more stretch as well. 

Some better news is that I passed my nursing assistant final exam and I would be starting clinical tomorrow except that the instructor is sick so I don't start until Wednesday.

I tried to take my hair from black to blond and we got it half blond, half red.