From An Old Forgotten Hobby

Afraid for my Life

For the past week I have had a terrible cold. I kept waiting to find out it was really the flu but it never got that bad. To my dismay, Alex caught my cold, and recovered almost completely in two days. I'm still in bed, (up to 70% normal) bored out of my mind, and disappointed I won't be strong enough to go to hip hop tonight.

During my sickness I have seen dozens of people die on TV thanks to marathons of NCIS and Criminal Minds. I've decided fake crime shows are so much better than the real ones like 48 Hours and Cold Case. And also, what is up with the police on Cops? I don't care what anyone says, they are not that nice is real life.

I now have a list of things I never ever will do so that I can avoid a tormentingly painful, early death.

• Camping with the significant other in a right off the highway cabin campsite without checking the online reviews first. I think psychological torment resulting in death is a probably a 0 star rating, don't you think?
• Allowing a technician to remotely access my computer. It's quite possible they will not sever the connection and choose my death based on my perceived sins. For example, adultery ends with me being shredded to death by wild dogs. (A Jezebel reference I think?)
• Following a man who pretends to be a record producer who says I have a nice voice. (Isn't this a no brainer? Girls sure are stupid these days.)
• Having a resemblance to a serial killer's childhood nanny.
• Being so insignificant of a person that humanity won't miss me

It's sad to say, but I'm becoming even more paranoid than CSI Miami and NY have already made me. I can't handle being left alone at night anymore, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Even if I turn all the lights on and blast the TV, I still here the sound of footsteps.

I'm really starting to miss Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. Bring my medical dramas back!

Gift Exchange

For Christmas Alex gave me a dove necklace. He knew that I had broken my bird necklace that Graciee had gave me.

Old necklace:
New necklace:

The picture does not even begin to portray how beautiful and special the necklace is. Thank you Alex! I love it so much.


This is what I gave Alex for Christmas:
We all have to laugh about how boys never out grow nerf guns.

All I Have To Say

All I have to say is this. A story. A true one.


I have a lot of friends. Some of them are from school and are all off at universities scattered across Oregon, Washington and California. The ones I spend time with are different. Some of them are faces, some have names and nicknames. Then are the friends who I spent my entire summer with. One is currently enrolled in a community college who so far has failed every class. Second friend went to a trade college but dropped out more than a year ago. Third friend has been considering going to college but has decided not to. Fourth friend has never been to college nor do they have immediate plans to go to college.

All are unemployed. Between their motivation to find a job and the status of the economy, I do not predict them becoming employed anytime soon.

Then there is me. I'm going to make money someday. It won't be right away but eventually I'll live comfortably. Will my friends? I can't say. I am sure of one thing though.

I do not want to pay for my friends to live.

That is stupid. Taxing wealthy people who worked hard to earn what they have to pay for the lazy who couldn't be bothered is wrong. While Obama may think the solution to all his social programs is increasing the taxes for those in a higher tax bracket, this is wrong. Do you get it?

We pay for schools, for education. That is good. We pay for police, for safety. That is good. We pay for fire departments, road repairs, parks etc. That is good.

That's where I draw the line.

Most Christmas Movies on TV are Pretty Crappy

Merry Christmas

I am writing this blog from my new laptop! While I admit it is completely unnecessary that I lay in bed with it, considering that my computer is only two feet away, this will come in handy when my computer moves south, along with most of my furniture.

But I'd rather not talk about the dreaded, cloudy future. Sunday my friends and I threw our holiday party. We exchanged gifts then. I'll tell you about my gift from Alex later.

My dad also flew up on Sunday. I came down with a cold on Monday. I'm still pretty sick today so Alex joined me in watching a Criminal Minds marathon on A & E (The Alex and Emily channel as I call it). It actually wasn't a bad Christmas.

Gym Hip Hop and SFB Nutcracker Are Both Amazing

Today I ventured into the world of hip hop. I'd been there before, a few months after I first started taking ballet, but it wasn't pretty. I was nervous to take the hip hop class, but I really needed to work out. All this inactivity is making me feel like a blimp. My muscles yearn to be worked.

I had a great time. This class is what I need to help me build stamina. Monday nights are now officially booked for me. I'm so glad I went and tried it. Truthfully, I may not be a great hip hop dancer but that doesn't mean I should hold myself back and miss out on the fun.

After dinner, I watched San Francisco Ballet's The Nutcracker on TV. It was beautiful. I can't imagine being that talented at ballet. I hope I can get one step closer to being a good dancer this upcoming year.

If It's Bad Econoic News Then I Don't Want To Know. Thank You

Yesterday I had my windshield wipers replaced, and I drove to Tigard in the pouring rain. It's actually not that far. I met Tricia, her five year old daughter Marley and her eighteen month old son Dane. We played together for an hour and a half, and I'll be back on Saturday with my afternoon schedule in hand.

Is this really happening? I like the sound of part time nanny. It thrills me inside. I have this weakness for little children. Of course history warns me not to get too excited. Every little job opportunity I've had always falls apart for me.

Like the time I was hired to run the church nursery on Wednesday nights-and then my dad got fired.

Or the time I was about to be scheduled for work serving hamburgers at the LA Fair Grounds-and then parents announced we were going back to Oregon.

It just always works out like that. And people wonder why I am a pessimist?! If something bad can happen, it will happen, otherwise translated as really good things avoid Emily. My boyfriend not included. He is the optimist with all the luck in the world-except when competing with the thirty year olds who lost their jobs and decided to invade the teen/young adult job market. Stupid bastards.

I haven't done anything other than this since Sunday. How completely insane is that?

I'm Not The Bad Guy

The food crisis had gotten so frightening that last night for dinner my mom served peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This morning, I took her to the store. The entire time she did complain about her great hatred of Oregon and the rain that soaked our clothes and groceries.

Over lunch she stared off into space as she pondered the fast that she is moving, and I am not.

Thomas, Autumn and Sarah cry frequently because of me. Everyone is upset because of me... because I'm tearing the family apart. Mom wants one more year together. She blames herself for loving back to Oregon the biggest mistake of her life.

No one ever considers my own sleepless nights. No one ever senses my doubt and uncertainty. I don't know if I'm making the right decision. All I know is I have to try. What's wrong with trying? It's not like millions of teenagers don't leave home to go off to college each year. I explain that's the truth. My mom refuses to believe it. She thinks I'm going to get married and never see her again.

I'm freaking 18 years old! Everyone is expecting me to show up with a big ring or announce a pregnancy and no, it's not happening. Sure, I like to think about the future, but I know better than most people that every time I plan ahead disaster strikes!

I just started college. I'm not going to dump that. I like my school. I like my friends. I like my boyfriend. That doesn't mean I don't love my family to death because of course I do. That doesn't mean I'm not terrified of facing daily life without them. It just means I'm tired of trading in everything so the family can be happy. This is America and we have an individualist culture. Americans are selfish...we want our own lives and our own happiness. I'm no different.

Why is this so wrong?

First Term Grades

So much for getting a 4.0


Bio = C
History = B
Psych = C
PE = A

GPA = 2.5

Aw well. next term I guess.

Nutcracker is over now, but I got a call from lady who's friend refered me to another woman about the possibility of me babysitting her for her this Saturday. I'm meeting the children on Wednesday. They live all the way out in Tigard. With the price of gas it's almost not worth it, but I want to do it. Looking forward to meeting them.

I Can't Believe The Nutcracker Is Happening Tomorrow. I Am So Going To Have Nightmares Tonight.

Today I read My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. Yes I realize that the average person does not read a 500 page book in less than 24 hours, but I don't consider myself to be average. I loved the movie and needed a distraction from my mom's undeclared degree that I should not leave the house until after Nutcracker shows tomorrow and Sunday, so today I read.

I read. and I cried.

"Anna is not sick, but she might as well be. By age thirteen, she has undergone countless surgeries, transfusions, and shots so that her older sister, Kate, can somehow fight the leukemia that has plagued her since childhood. The product of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, Anna was conceived as a bone marrow match for Kate - a life and a role that she has never questioned… until now. Like most teenagers, Anna is beginning to question who she truly is. But unlike most teenagers, she has always been defined in terms of her sister - and so Anna makes a decision that for most would be unthinkable… a decision that will tear her family apart and have perhaps fatal consequences for the sister she loves. My Sister's Keeper examines what it means to be a good parent, a good sister, a good person. Is it morally correct to do whatever it takes to save a child's life… even if that means infringing upon the rights of another? Is it worth trying to discover who you really are, if that quest makes you like yourself less?"

Read it. The ending is different from the movie but the novel is 100 hundred times better than the movie. I am already burning to get my hands on more of Jodi's novels.

Thoughts after reading:

Can a mother fight too hard for her dying child?
Is it a sacrifice to sacrifice part of yourself for the greater good?
What harm do we cause when we refuse to acknowledge impending death?

Could You Forgive The Nazis If You Survived The Holocaust?

Tonight I watched a documentary on a Holocaust survivor called Forgiving Dr. Mengele. At the tender age of ten, Eva and her twin sister Miriam arrived at Auschwitz by train. Immediately the guards noticed the girls were special, and they were forcibly separated from the rest of their family who were taken to the gas chambers to die. Dr. Mengele, also known as the Angel of Death, performed inhumane genetic experiments on them and thousands of other twins.

"I was given five injections. That evening I developed extremely high fever. I was trembling. My arms and my legs were swollen, huge size. Mengele and Dr. Konig and three other doctors came in the next morning. They looked at my fever chart, and Dr. Mengele said, laughingly, 'Too bad, she is so young. She has only two weeks to live .."

The documentary centers on Eva's quest to find Dr. Menegele's records to save her dying sister, and her controversial complete forgiveness of all Germans.

Eva later told how a set of Gypsy twins was brought back from Mengele's lab after they were sewn back to back. Mengele had attempted to create a Siamese twin by connecting blood vessels and organs. The twins screamed day and night until gangrene set in, and after three days, they died ...

At the time of the experimentation, Miriam was injected with an unknown drug that shunted all growth of her kidneys. As a result, her health declined rapidly as she aged. In an attempt to save her sister, Eva donated one of her own kidneys. The doctors believed they could save Miriam, but only if they could learn exactly what substance Dr. Menegele had injected. Desperate to save her sister, Eva formed an organization for surviving twins to get the word out. Eventually she tracked down a former Nazi doctor, but he did not have any information on the whereabouts of the medical recorders. Miriam died and to this day, no records have ever been found.


As adults, Eva and Miriam suffered serious health problems. Eva suffered from miscarriages and tuberculosis. Her son had cancer. Miriam's kidneys never fully developed and she died in 1993 of a rare form of cancer, probably brought on by the unknown medical experiments and injections which she was subjected to at the hands of Josef Mengele.

-http://www.shoah.dk/doctors/mozes.htm

What I found to be most interesting about the documentary was Eva's decision to forgive and her determination to spread her story to as many people as possible.

All of the people featured in the documentary disagreed with her opinions. One woman argued that if she forgave, it would betray her parents. Others said they did not have the authority to forgive on behalf of the millions who had died.

Over the course of many years Eva stayed strong in her beliefs. She said forgiveness did not have anything to do with the perpetrator or with religion. Forgiveness was liberating herself from her pain.

Her definition of forgiveness was not shared by those who spoke in the documentary. I think it is interesting though.

What is forgiveness? Is it simply saying if I hate you I will only hurt myself so I won't hate you anymore?
Is it saying you deserve forgiveness because you have demonstrated repentance?
Is it saying I forgive you and will forget what has happened?

I understand what she is saying. She isn't saying forget the past. She isn't saying betray the dead. She isn't saying what happened was okay. She is saying I can't change the past and they can't change the past but in order to move forward, I have to let go of the anger. Getting even never helped anyone, she says.

The world needs more people like Eva. That is not to say evil should not be challenged but that we all need to learn to forgive even our worst enemies.

New Pointe Shoes: Grishko 2007

I convinced my mom to buy $79 pointe shoes. We drove all the way down to Beaverton to have a team specially fit me with the right pair. I am very happy with the shoes I picked out and have already sewn the ribbons and elastic in, and broke them in by hand.

I couldn't resist wearing them tonight. It wasn't a pretty sight..

So I need to spend time at home breaking them in so I can wear them without falling all over the place.

Act II dress rehearsal didn't go too well, especially flowers. We spent at least 45 minutes rehearsing it BEFORE getting into costume and running the whole act, but still my dancing isn't very pretty.

I have a headache and biology final that I haven't started to study for and it's already 10 at night. Oh my gosh.

Cold War Confused Me

I like how I can call my dad and say: I'm so confused. Was the Cold War an actual war or just a time period?

And he can then spend the next ten minutes explaining the answer and then going through the major events, how it started and when it was resolved.

It's cool having really intelligent parents. I have a great deal to live up to.

Unfortunately, I have to finish studying for finals. Honestly, I have two finals tomorrow and I haven't even opened my psychology book to study. So far it has all been History, history, history since yesterday and I am not going anywhere very fast.

Sigh. I hate this.

Thank You Erin.

I was accepted into the class! Now (It's always one more thing) I need to pay my library fines so I can actually register for the class.

Today is my day off. It feels good but the threat of everything that is looming darkens my mood. Finals. Canby Dress Rehearsals.

I'm looking forward to performances, but I wish I could just magically skip to Friday night.

The Flys In My Kitchen Need To Go Away

I'm having a down week. I think that's okay. Not all weeks have to be happy ones

My background check was cleared up today thanks to Audrey. Thank you Audrey! My application was sent to admissions. Thank you Karla. I still have one person to thank, the woman who sends me the email saying I got into the class. If it doesn't happen this term, then it will happen next. I hope.

It's almost time to start dress rehearsals. It's scary to think we've come this far. Are we ready? Nutcracker, here we come.

Crazy Process

I'm getting to the point where I think the chances of me getting into the nursing assistant class are nonexistent.

I ran around for two weeks getting the application together. I found the time to get all the shots and take a CPR class. I turned in the pile of paper the Monday after I got back from California. Then I waited.

and waited.

Until I finally received an email saying my application was complete. Yay! The only thing left to do was to take a background check from mybackgroundcheck.com. I paid the 60 dollars and discovered my results wouldn't be back for 10 days. So I waited.

and waited.

I did not receive an email from the website. So I got adventurous and checked it out for myself. Not only had it been completed, but it had been completed the day after I had paid for it! I wasted eleven days waiting.

So I then emailed the program representative asking what to do. She then explained to me that I had a hit on my SSN Address Locater and to let her know when I had it cleared up. I did even know what the heck that was.

This morning I called the company. My mom was finally able to get through and talk with a real person who explained to us that because I have no credit, there is no way to verify my identity. I needed to get a social security number print out and to email it to her.

After lunch I drove down to Oregon City in the van, (since my car's timing belt is broken) down to the social security office. Thankfully, I only waited for ten minutes. It irritates me a little that some dumb paper that doesn't even look official except for a little stamp in the corner can verify my identity.

I just finished emailing the background check lady the document. Hopefully she'll clear up my hit so I can email the Mt Hood office lady and find out whether I can actually get into the winter term class or not.

It's probably a not.