Seventeen Forever

Today is goodbye.

Goodbye new friends that made me so happy this short semester.
Goodbye few friends that saved me from being alone all year.
Goodbye stupid Claremont and your old people
Goodbye teachers I love.
Goodbye teachers I hate.
Goodbye homework.
Goodbye church and sunday school class.

I'll see some of you again this fall. Most of you, I'll never see again for the rest of my life.

But more than that, I'm turning eighteen tomorrow. I will be an adult. For years I have impatiently waited to pass this milestone, longing for the freedoms but now I quietly reflect.

The end of my childhood.

The beginning of the rest of my life.

If I can get old enough to be an adult, its dawned on me that I can get old enough to be old and die. Eighteen is nothing. The years will fly by and suddenly I'll be forty with early wrinkles doing God knows what, living God knows where.

Frightening to grow up. Am I ready? It looks like it's not up to me to decide. Peter Pan is only fictional. I won't be seventeen forever but perhaps I'll remember this feeling, remember this moment.

Goodbye.

The Movers Smell Bad

I read the first four hundred pages of a library book while I was M.I.A. from school. I told parents I didn't trust the movers to not walk away with all of my luggage but truthfully I was tired from staying up till midnight on the phone. Not that I was able to sleep in; Dad came in and stole my bed while I was sleeping in it.

I didn't like the movers at all: three Mexicans who smelled really bad, smoke covered up perfume. It's such an awful smell and it doesn't hide the scent of the smoke. Of course no one else seemed to notice except for me. My house smelled like a fucking hamster cage and no one else noticed. Well, there goes me and my overdeveloped sense of smell.

Kalysta took me to lunch at Carl's Jr and I met Joey at the Village afterwards.

I guess tomorrow will be my last day of school. I need to return my math textbook and clear out my PE locker, not to mention say my final goodbyes. Ugh I am not looking forward to that. It's hard for me to believe how little time I have left. It's impossible to be excited for my birthday at all, thanks to the move. Great.

Leaving Claremont

Academy awards? Oh...who cares. I didn't watch them. I didn't want too.

I'm moving. I haven't really talked about it because I wasn't supposed too. I told Jake, duh, how could I not? Turns out that was a bad idea because his snoopy mom heard him talking about it with me over the phone. Without warning she called people and suddenly everyone who wasn't supposed to know, did.

I forgot how infamous we were.

Which slightly sucks because I think I'm going to miss the quiet life I'm living right now. As I've grown to learn, I don't actually hate California, just Claremont. Claremont is little, Claremont is annoying. There is so much more to California than Claremont. Driving across Los Angeles has reminded me of that. Visiting Granada Hills struck an emotional chord in me. I'll live there again. Not in Claremont, but somewhere in LA.

So here I am, telling people I'm leaving, again. I have been offsetting it though, for every person I tell I'm leaving, I text someone in Clackamas and let them know I'm coming back. Someone sad with me, someone gushing happiness.

What I hate the most is when my friends try to get me to stay. They all have a closet for me to sleep in, a friend's room I could rent. I guess they don't understand that I can't. Not a legal matter, a personal one. I couldn't sleep at night if I left my mother to take care of herself and five kids, alone. She couldn't do it. Sure, she thinks she can, but I know better. Without Grandma or Dad, she would be hopeless. No one else in the house posesses any cleaning or cooking skills. What would Joe and Will do when she dissappears for all those hours, supposedly at an "OA Meeting?" No, staying is not an option.

I tell people it's only for a little while. I'll be back for college in the fall. I have plans. My parents are determined to mess up any plans I have, but college is a priority. I had to let go of U of O, I'm not letting go of Fullerton. I have an acceptance letter, a filed FASFA and every intent of registering there. They are not getting in the way of that.

The Garden of Eden

I'm not going to lie, I'm really tired right now. I wrote my own book review for a book called The Garden of Eden.

This book is not a retelling of the Bible's premiere story. It is an exceptional, modern novel written by Eve Adams (a pseudonym for a best selling author) that I would recommend to anyone who likes to read.

The story takes place in Eden, population: 47. On his first drive through Eden, trooper Sam Neely is positive he will rot from boredom in this town, but as we all know, the smaller the town, the worse the scandal. Soon though, everyone has something going on and is trying to keep a secret, a feat made impossible thanks to the gossiping tongues.

Trooper Sam Neely is fresh out of the State Police acadamey and finds himself assigned to the dullest backwater town he's ever heard of. Things heat up quickly in Eden, U.S.A., however, when Ed Harris, the banker, finds his wife in bed with his best friend, Hayden Elkins. Ed picks up a shotgun, escorts them both to the door and tells his friend Hayden, "Guess what? She's yours!"
"I've got a wife, Ed." says Hayden
"Now you have two."
Forced to take his paramour to live under his own roof (after all, they had only intended to share an afternoon of delight, not to leave their spouses), Hayden suddenly finds himself the butt of every joke in town. That's where things start to spin out of control.
Before long, Elijah Murphy, the town drunk, and the snooping widow next door, to whom he'd exposed himself, are folling in love; sleazy Sheriff's Deputy Delmar Clay is about to get a butt-full of birdshot for the pictures he's been snapping of young couples getting hot and heavy in parked cars; and the Barrow Boys are out of jail and looking for trouble. Soon, Neely finds that managing the crises in the sticks is a full-time job, and it takes a whole community-from the comparrionate local magistrate to the new female preacher-to keep things from exploding big-city style.

What makes the story that could have easily become too complicated and impersonal to follow such a work of art is Eve Adams's remarkable way of capturing every character from their own point of view. Male and female, young and old, she captures the true emotion of everyone as if she had experienced their lives first hand.

Shows

I love watching shows. Is it possible for me to see the lights and hear the music without falling in love? Music is my love and sometimes (okay most of the time) the power of it really speaks to me. It's rediculous but I can't tell you how many times I have to keep myself from crying just listening to the emotion in the instruments.

But the dancing! Everytime I watch someone dance, I can't help but with it was me!

I really need to start performing again. I'm not going to get to do recital in June either now. It makes me so sad. Who knows when the next time I'll be on stage is. How depressing...

No boyfriend. No goldfish. What a sad, sad life.

I have the sad, sickening feeling that my other goldfish is going to die.

I can't keep anything alive.

No boyfriend. No goldfish. What a sad, sad life.

I've decided I'm going to really learn swing. and become very good. and go do competitions. and win all the time. and become famous. Jake said he'd be my partner so we can both be famous.

No boyfriend. No goldfish. What a sad, sad life.

I miss gravity. So much. I think I really did love him. I'm a stupid head. He doesn't miss me. Not even when I'm famous.

Too Much Stuff

As I clean and organize all the things in my room, I can't help but be overwelmed by how much stuff I really have! Mostly it's papers...school papers and notebooks. I recycled and tossed tons of it...yet it would take days to go through all of it. I wish I didn't have so much. I think if I had less stuff I would feel more relaxed in my room.

Yes, I'm feeling better today. Not 100% but I can move and walk around. I think releasing some of those pent up emotions helped. I talked with Jake for awhile last night. He always seems to make me feel better.

I should have done homework today. I didn't. lol. Oh no.

Oh by the way: Happy Valentine's Day. I feel so passive about it, I almost forgot.

Sick and Stressed

It's Friday the 13th. Nothing bad seems to have happened but I can't seem to get well.

I came down with sniffles Sunday night but I brushed it off as allergies. By Monday afternoon I was definetly feeling sick and irritated with Kalysta. We had decided I would do my load of homework on Monday and hang out on Sunday. Then Monday she calls me What are you doing? Come over. That really upset me because I'm like homework? I ended up going over to her house anyways and then feeling stressed out over my homework that I didn't finish. I would never do that to someone! I just feel that's completely inconsiderate and shows you only care about yourself.

I stayed home from school Tuesday because I wasn't feeling good but Wednesday I went to Disneyland and I felt fine.

Yesterday I went to school and was feeling okay until after lunch. So I stayed home yet again today and I don't feel any better. In fact I'm exhusted and I haven't done anything except for sleep, watch TV and read.

To make matters worse, Kalysta and I don't seem to be seeing eye to eye on anything. She got me a stuffed bunny and get Well Card and that was fun but she doesn't seem to understand the I'm sick concept. I called her last night and asked if she could bring me a textbook I had forgotten in the locker. She agreed but wanted to stay and eat lunch with me. The problem was
I didn't want her coming over...because she might notice what's going on in my house...the big earth shattering thing I haven't told her yet. Jake says I need to just tell her...not to dance around the important things...but it's so hard! I haven't really had the chance being sick. I tried to talk her out of it but I figured I was stuck.

My family skillfully hid as much evidence as possible when she arrived. I told her she could stay but she didn't. She wasn't really talking or smiling and just walked out. My dad caught her on her way and asked if she was staying. Apparently she said I don't think anyone wants me here.

Ugh! That's not it! New rule: Family and friends need to stay separate. That's whats making this so hard. It's not that shes just losing me...she losing them too and the burden is solely on my shoulders. God I wish my family could just find their own fucking friends and not steal mine. It is so pathetic. I was actually happy...but they couldn't stand for that. You know I was happy too. Is that not allowed? Am I not allowed to be happy?!

I swear all my family ever does is ruin any good in my life. I'm not fucking kidding. and they get mad if I blame them.

Things I Have To Tell You

Apricot Bath

I don't want to be sexy right now
I don't feel like arranging myself
in positions that will delight your eyes
Arranging myself so that my stomach doesn't show
so that you can't see my feet
I don't feel like making the effort
I want to sit next to you
in an apricot bubble bath
and talk about why your politics conflict with mine
without your staring at my breats
I want to sit cross-legged
lean forward with my elbows on my knees
and listen to your reasoning
without your peering down between my thighs
I want us to be two sexless beings
Watching the steam curl off the water
But if you must love me
Love the little smooth scar on my knee
not my eyes
Love my round belly
not my legs
Love the two freckles on my neck
that look like a vampire's kiss
not my lips
Love my square, pudgy toes
not my smile
I want to inhale the apriocot fumes
brush the buddles from your shoulder
and argue with you over your beliefs
I don't want anything to be sexual
even though we're both naked and
our feet are kissing under the tepid water
I want us to stay in the bath
until we don't know
where the water ends and skin begins
Until I know
why you are who you are
Until you love me
for my flaws and what I believe in
Then we can rise from the water
skin soft and glowing
like apricots, lit from within
wrap ourselves in the towels
of each other and then
you can kiss me

Lindsay Henry

Sicko

Please God I don't ever want to be like one of those 'internet moms'. What do I mean? It's not important I just want that permanetly stated somewhere.

I stayed home sick today. Just a cold but damn I sure don't feel good. It's been awhile since I've been sick...I should be grateful.

Staying home again tomorrow but not another sick day. Going to Disneyland. lol fun stuff.

Rainy Monday

I don't mind

You’re someone that ain't mine

But someone that I'll get

And you don't know how

Hard I've tried

To convince myself that I

Can easily forget

But you left this feeling

Here inside me

One that never fails to find me

On a rainy Monday...i feel it inside of me

Like the days of summer...

On a rainy Monday..

I feel it inside me

In the hopes of one day...

I won't lie

I still can't say that I

Admit we went too far

And you won't see me change my mind

But I really wish that I

Could forget the way you are

But you left this feeling here inside me

The battle in my mind still fights me

On a rainy Monday...i feel it inside of me
Like the days of summer...
On a rainy Monday..
I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day...

I can see that you're not beside me

But I still feel you shine inside of me

On a rainy Monday...i feel it inside of me
Like the days of summer...
On a rainy Monday..
I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day...

Shiny Toy Guns

I was Insane When I Was Fourteen

I organized my books alphabetically by author today. I picked up one of my old journals (kept from January 11 to June 5th 2005)and read some random page. I couldn't help but start to laugh my head off when I read the crazy things I had to say when I was fourteen. Basically, I yelled about my parents, how I was going to get out when I was 18 and how in love I was with my boyfriend. I know I probably shouldn't share but I think it's so rediculous and funny I just have too!

June 1st, 2005
Dear Journal, I was too tired to write last night. At this point I'm so wired I barely remember yesterday. Only one thing. During voice lessons Mr. Baker same in to ask Mrs. Lockwood something. He told me I had a beautiful voice. I'm pretty sure I blushed. I tried to track him down but with half the school's girls around him I didn't get too.
Today I had a splendid time with Nikolas. We kept trying new things. Different positions and ways to make-out. Why do they call it make-out? It's such a dorky word. During youth was weird. I wanted to sit on the same couch as him. Really I did. And I'm pretty sure he wanted me next to him too. But I didn't. Not ready maybe. too afraid. Don't honestly know. So instead I sat across from him. Months ago it was me staring at him through youth. He never looked me in the eye. Now he spends most of his time staring at me. And I can't seem to look him in the eye for more than a few seconds. So strange.

A Rainy Day

It doesn’t rain very much in Southern California but when it does it rains a lot. Little puddles become lakes and the streets become rivers. Every time I hit the road my tires hydroplane and when the water pelts down on my windshield, I can’t see more than a few inches past my car.

Yet, I still love the rain. Whenever it’s chilly I have fun picking out long sleeve shirt to wear. I guess to much of anything is a bad thing because at the beginning of the summer the shedding of layers was celebrated. Now, I’m ready for real winter weather. My parents like to stay that Oregon and California have reverse weather, nine months of rain and three of sun versus nine months of sun and three of rain but I disagree, it does not rain for three months here. A periodic rainy weekend somewhere from December to February is not equivalent to three months of rain.

My wish on rainy days is that something green might grow. It never comes true. Of course thanks to an abundance of local sprinklers, Claremont is green but the mountains are brown and seemingly devoid of life. It’s a wildfire waiting to happen. Where the wildfires have already struck, the black ash remains.

If you lived by the ocean, the sparkling blue water, tall palm trees and shimmering sand would distract you from the hills but I don’t live by the ocean. I live in Claremont and I see the brown.

I’ll enjoy the rain while it lasts. A reminder of my old home.

I Can Swing

I went swing dancing tonight with my new friend Heather and her boyfriend, his cousin and her friend. It was super fun.

Some of the guys were a little bit awkward to dance with but it was amazing. I love dancing though there are only so many twirls I can do before I start to get really dizzy. Maybe spotting would help...

Well it's almost midnight and I have school tomorrow. And Kalysta is mad at me...great.

I Can Fly!

After school I went to the gym with Kalysta. Since I'd already had a workout to die for (literally me dying), I jumped on the elliptical machine for some hard core cardio.

The machine gave me a little work out thingy and I followed it...about thirty minutes later I got off . I seriously felt like I was tripping. I felt all airy, like I didn't have any weight and had the happy 'I'm so high' thing going on. haha it was awesome. I only went like 2.6 miles though. You can burn some calories but they aren't very good for timed distance.

I'm totally down to do that again.

Good. Maybe. Oh God.

Rehersal went well today and I might possibly have a job. I'm supposed to work this weekend but I know how things sometimes are supposed to happen and then don't, so I'm not telling myself I have a job, yet. But it's still pretty cool and super scary. haha

Did I mention I love my new schedule?

Ugh I hate listening to my parents talk about how we don't have any money. After this month...no one knows how we are going to pay the rent. I'm trying not to think about it, cause it's freaking me out. Mom keeps making jokes about it...but this is serious. And I want to punch her in the face everytime she say's "maybe we should move back to Oregon."

Which is what I want right? Not right now! Not in the middle of a semester! Not with Cinderella coming up in June! Not when I'm finally meeting friends and have a potential crush! Not when I have a univeristy to go to! It just can't happen.

Happy Groundhog Day

Looks like we are in for six more weeks of winter. Wait, you mean it's going to be in 50's, 60's, 70's? Oh however will I go on?


A guy I've known for a week asked me out today.


goshhhh.

so I told him I'd be down for dinner sometime. no serious relationship right now.

in other words until someone really cute asks me out! =)

I wrote another five pages for my story today.

Drove to Santa Monica

Guess who drove all the way to Santa Monica beach by herself?

Yep that's me! I got to see Graciee! It was amazing. I'm so proud of myself for navigating through the LA freeways. It's a maze, seriously.

Super Bowl brings memories from last year though. It was the day after I...found out for the first time.