Remembering But Letting It Go

This month has brought up some sensitive memories from last July. I don't miss him, but I keep remembering the dates, remembering what happened. I can't say I feel bad or that I feel sad. I just remember. I wish I could explain it better. I'm glad it's 2009 and not 2008. so glad.

I wish my mom could let the past go. Every time she runs into the Fellow's she fills us in on how they reacted in person and what they wrote on the internet. Something about how she snubbed her, or how she referred to us as brussel sprouts. In my defense, I don't even like brussel sprouts.

My mom is completely delusional in thinking she can ever be friends with her again. I don't think she believes a friendship is possible at this point, but she still wants some sort of middle ground, some form of acceptance that makes sense in her head and not in mine.

I finally get it. I've already known that my mom is blaming Matt the same way he is blaming her, but I finally get Kathleen.

You know why? Her name is Chasity. And the day after Alex and I temporarily split, he slept with her.
The second i heard her name, I knew she was going to be a whore. Just because it would be a contradiction. When I met her, everything had already happened. Mark told me what Alex had done, and I figured out it was her. I'm not sure how, it was subconscious thing, but when Breezy told me, it was her, I wasn't surprised.

The hardest part was knowing and not knowing how to say to Alex, I know what happened. Even after he admitted to it, it was two weeks until I was able to admit to him that I knew it was her. I didn't understand how Breezy used to go into denial every time Ryan cheated on her, but now i understand it's the only way to face it.

I hung out with Chasity. I laughed with her, hugged her. I knew it was his fault, he told her he had been single for longer than was true. True, she's slept with more guys than I can count on my fingers and toes (no joke), but somehow I just couldn't put it on her.

But resentment grows. It would be really hard now for me to go see her again. I don't want to be her friend. I don't care who's fault it is. Alex is mine, and I don't want him to have anything to do with her either.

So for that reason, I wish my mother would leave Mrs. Fellow's alone. What my mom did was so very wrong. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make up for it.

And the part my mom refuses to believe-Mrs. Fellows will forgive her eventually, but forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

I forgive Ryan. I don't ever want to see him again. I don't want him to be a part of my life. I don't want Chasity to be apart of my life. Mrs. Fellow's doesn't want us to be apart of her life.

I sure miss her, but I understand. She has to do what is right for her. And my mom needs to lay off. Of course that won't happen, ever. Ugh.

RIP Lexie

Another Clackamas kid is dead. Her name was Lexi Spencer and she was 16. She was a passenger in a car, driven into a pole (smashed) by a possible drunk driver.

Here's something that scares me: even though I don't drink and drive, other people do. And it's possible that one of them will crash into me. And I could die. Just like Lexie.

Or I could go to an underage club and be fatally shot like Ashley.

Or I could get cancer and die like Amiee.

Ugh ugh ugh! I wish this stuff didn't happen.

A Rough Week

I am bonding with my rat very nicely, but I think that is the only part of my week that has gone smoothly.

First off, Jacquie insisted that I take class with the intermediate 2 class Tuesday through Friday. Normally I take intermediate 1, though for the summer I am taking the adult beg/intermediate. I was really nervous because the girls in intermediate 2 are really good dancers and I'm...not...but to be honest it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I know she isn't being as hard on me as the other girls but I'd like to venture out and say that I'm actually improving. Apparently, if I work really hard she'll permanently move me up to inter. 2 but for the fall I'll be in split levels.

In other news...friends are complicated. Ryan finally completely fell off the deep end. He'd been treating all of us like crap, mostly Breezy, but it finally reached on all time high Tuesday night. He spent the first half of the night crying his eyes out because he knew Breezy was going to break up with him. I sat and listened and tried to explain to him that he needed to talk with a counselor because the issues he is trying to face are too big for us to help him with.

Well...Breezy heard some of the things he said and took off running. As soon as Ryan heard her he jumped up and chased her down to the nearby elementary school. Alex ran between the two of them. I got up and debated whether it was my place to intervene or not. Finally as I stood at the end of Mark's driveway and could hear them yelling from the school I decided to walk over. It was two in the morning.

Ryan had tackled Breezy and was lying on top of her. She was yelling at him to get off of her, Alex was yelling that if Ryan didn't get off he was going to call 911, and Ryan was yelling that he loved Breezy and would go to jail for her.

I didn't understand why I was able to do this-but I yelled at Ryan to get off, grabbed Breezy's arms and pulled her out as he rolled over. I do not understand why Ryan listened to me. Every time I think about it it bothers me. I don't know if I believe in miracles but I can't think of another explanation. I spent most of the night praying for some wisdom to deal with Ryan.

While Ryan rolled over and screamed/cried and Alex called 911, I grabbed her shoulders and walked her back to Mark's house. I started crying and she started laughing, then I started laughing and she started crying and then we both started laughing and crying at the same time.

The police arrested Ryan and put him in detox for the night. The next morning he showed up at Mark's but thankfully Mark sent him away. I don't ever want to be friends with him again.

Hopefully next week isn't so rough.

New Pets

After a pleasant visit with Lauren and her husband Paul in Tacoma, I feel very refreshed. It's hard to believe Lauren is almost 11 weeks pregnant. It's nice to see her tiny baby bump after a few fake pregnancies back in high school.

I brought home a new addition to my family: Mattimeo or Matt for short. He is month old rat.

I also have a new goldfish living at Mark's house named Alexandria. My mouse Shakespeare also lives at Mark's house with her remaining brothers and sisters. The problem with mice is that after you see a rat, they seem very small and boring. I don't think Breezy wants me to take her home; I'll probably just leave Shakespeare at Mark's.

I've never really had many pets, it's nice to be around animals now. I had a hamster for one year when I was 11 (Juliet), my parakeet died when I was 14 (Jean-Luc), the beta fish I won at a Mother's Day banquet lived a few months (Robert) and we know the tragic story of Giselle and Phelps...

The Kaiser Staff Is The Emergency

I had to visit the doctor yesterday to get antibiotics for a stupid UTI. I'm brand new to Kaiser so I brought Breezy to help me navigate through.

Before I went in, I spoke with a nurse. One thing led to another and suddenly she was trying to convince me to get an HIV test. I told her no, I don't need one, and she agreed.

At the lab the receptionist directed me to sit "in the chair." I was confused, I wasn't here for any blood work. I told her that and she insisted I was also having blood drawn because my "doctor had ordered it."

I then found out I was having blood drawn for a separate test (thyroid) that I wasn't supposed to get until next week. When I tried to explain that to the two phlebotomists they insisted I was also supposed to have the thyroid medicine levels checked. Everyone refused to listen to me and drew my blood anyway.

Afterwards they called my doctor and canceled the thyroid test. And since I did not need the HIV test it was completely pointless. I was really stressed out and because I had not eaten anything my blood sugar was really low and I felt faint while I was driving us.

In the end, nearly an hour and half later I got my stupid antibiotics. I no longer like Kaiser. I saw too many cold faces who refused to listen to me. I am positive that I understand my medical needs better than they do. I've lived with myself for the last 18 years and they barely glanced at a chart. I won't be spending any extra time in the walls of Kaiser.

Happy Independence Day

Not only was yesterday America's birthday, it marked a personal milestone. I've come a long way emotionally since last year. Last year does not control my future and I sense many happy days in the near future. Now that my parents are no longer furious at me, I'm happily planning some extra fun summer activities.

My latest ideas? Rollerskating at Oaks Park and riding the Max to the Sonic in Hillsbor. I'm excited to take Alex to Portland's version of The Village and next week I'm planning on cooking him a dinner for just the two of us. A visit to Washington is also planned since Lauren wants me to go crib shipping with her and we also need to celebrate her 19th birthday. Hopefully in between all that will be more parties and late night adventures-as long as my parents don't spoil them. Hurray for summer!

Also, the Wii Fit is a lot of fun. I'm best at the yoga and areobics section, step being my favorite. The balance games are hard for me, though that seems to be my family's strong point. Oh well I guess a little healthy competition can't be too bad. Oh and turns out, Alex doesn't think I have cellulite. That makes me feel so much better. Still exercising though.

I'm Fat?

My mother got me into the fitness trend. This year I've been involved in ballet, basketball and weight lifting. At home I like to stretch and I take advantage of my membership to 24 hour fitness and run on the treadmill. I like to swim when I can.

Do I raise my heart rate for twenty minutes five days a week? No, but I don't worry to much.

At least not until a few days ago when I found out that Alex noticed I have cellulite on my thighs and butt. How embarrassing! I can't control people's thoughts but he is opening his mouth and telling other people.

To be honest I did know I had a small amount of cellulite but I figured I had a healthy amount of fat on my body. I'm not built like a stick, to my ballet teacher's dismay, and I definitely consider myself to be curvy yet still slender. Underneath my soft stomach I have some muscle. My calves are stronger than Alex's.

At 5'4 inches tall, I weigh around 115 pounds. My BMI is 19.7 (the normal ranger is between 18.5-24.9). If I lost as much as ten pounds I would be considered underweight.

I don't have a perfect body, but I'm not afraid to wear a bikini to the pool. At least, I wasn't until I heard what Alex said. Now, my insecure feelings are pushing me to the gym and towards a diet-not a calorie slashing diet, a food exchange diet where I eat more lean protein and dark veggies and less foods high in sugar and fat. I do have a sweet tooth.

I've always heard guys don't like super skinny girls but maybe that is just wishful thinking? Either way I'm not going to ignore this new problem. Cellulite is fat and the way to get rid of fat is to replace it with muscle. My hope is jogging will help burn fat and build up some muscle. I'm also going to tone my abs. I've been itching to try some yoga classes not only to help sculpt my body but also to cross train for ballet.

Wish me luck? And please, next time you see me at the pool, try not to stare at my thighs.