Remembering But Letting It Go

This month has brought up some sensitive memories from last July. I don't miss him, but I keep remembering the dates, remembering what happened. I can't say I feel bad or that I feel sad. I just remember. I wish I could explain it better. I'm glad it's 2009 and not 2008. so glad.

I wish my mom could let the past go. Every time she runs into the Fellow's she fills us in on how they reacted in person and what they wrote on the internet. Something about how she snubbed her, or how she referred to us as brussel sprouts. In my defense, I don't even like brussel sprouts.

My mom is completely delusional in thinking she can ever be friends with her again. I don't think she believes a friendship is possible at this point, but she still wants some sort of middle ground, some form of acceptance that makes sense in her head and not in mine.

I finally get it. I've already known that my mom is blaming Matt the same way he is blaming her, but I finally get Kathleen.

You know why? Her name is Chasity. And the day after Alex and I temporarily split, he slept with her.
The second i heard her name, I knew she was going to be a whore. Just because it would be a contradiction. When I met her, everything had already happened. Mark told me what Alex had done, and I figured out it was her. I'm not sure how, it was subconscious thing, but when Breezy told me, it was her, I wasn't surprised.

The hardest part was knowing and not knowing how to say to Alex, I know what happened. Even after he admitted to it, it was two weeks until I was able to admit to him that I knew it was her. I didn't understand how Breezy used to go into denial every time Ryan cheated on her, but now i understand it's the only way to face it.

I hung out with Chasity. I laughed with her, hugged her. I knew it was his fault, he told her he had been single for longer than was true. True, she's slept with more guys than I can count on my fingers and toes (no joke), but somehow I just couldn't put it on her.

But resentment grows. It would be really hard now for me to go see her again. I don't want to be her friend. I don't care who's fault it is. Alex is mine, and I don't want him to have anything to do with her either.

So for that reason, I wish my mother would leave Mrs. Fellow's alone. What my mom did was so very wrong. Saying I'm sorry doesn't make up for it.

And the part my mom refuses to believe-Mrs. Fellows will forgive her eventually, but forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.

I forgive Ryan. I don't ever want to see him again. I don't want him to be a part of my life. I don't want Chasity to be apart of my life. Mrs. Fellow's doesn't want us to be apart of her life.

I sure miss her, but I understand. She has to do what is right for her. And my mom needs to lay off. Of course that won't happen, ever. Ugh.