Trick or Treat

Happy Halloween

I actually went trick of treating with friend K and her friends. We got massive candy.

I dressed up as the little mermaid. I wore the tail my grandma made for my mom years ago. The only problem was my mom was skinnier than I am. So my legs were squeezed together and there was almost no room below my knees. I was walking slow.

But it was still fun.

I had to go to the store to pick up some drinks before and everyone who saw me walking around with the tail laughed at me.

A couple people told me to be careful.

Some guys gave me extra candy. I teased my friends saying show a little skin and get some extra candy.

One lady...flirted with me. She was like "oh you're so cute can I take a picture?" but she didn't have her camera "I'll just remember you." and she talked to me for a few minutes before asking "how old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Oh. You're not legal." and she shut the door in my face.


awkward. lol

Ballet Fun

Today ballet was amazing.

We all dressed up in costumes. To start off class we did a five minute barre but then moved straight to improv. We started by just improvising what our character would do.

We got out the scarves (remember preballet?) and then started leaping and jumping with them, scary music in the background. Putting them over our heads we became ghosts.

We learned a part from the ballet Giselle and had fun hopping around playing the parts of the spirits of the girls who had all killed themselves on their wedding night. We got to shove the guys around abit (we weren't their biggest fans lol).

By then it was hot and sweaty but we decided to improv a little Cinderella.

In Pointe we played the step sisters, fighting over dresses and trying to shove the shoe on, and both a weepy Cinderella and an excited one at the ball.

It was a lot of fun.

Cinderella auditions are on Saturday.

Halloween is tomorrow.

Line Dance

I went line dancing tonight.

I had been looking forward to homecoming game tonight but friend K told me at last minute she had other plans and that didn't give me enough time to find someone else to go with. I thought about just dragging brother along but when my mom reminded me that she was going to a line dance thing at church, I decided to go with her.

It was fun. Mostly just some old people and an overweight teacher showing some steps.

Was it better than a game? I don't know. It was different.

SAT

SAT scores are in.

My total score (critical reading, math, and writing) is 1530.

It's the same exact score I recieved in June.


The scores that count are my Critical Reading and Math scores.

I raised my critical reading from 540 to 580.

I raised my math scores from 420 to 450. Oh joy. It's still pathetically low, but hey at least I improved a little?

Between those two scores that gives me 1030 from 960.

The strange thing is I actually lowered my score in writing. It went from 570 to 500. I must have been having a bad grammar day. My essay score did not change, 7, but my multiple choice went from 60 to 52.

Overall I'm glad I raised my critical thinking and math scores. They were what I was mostly concerned about.

U of O and WWU both report average scores to be between 990 to 1220. Cal Poly is between 890 to 1130.

There is a college fair tonight but I'm not sure if I want to go or not.

Boring

"Hey you in the corner; Are you a virgin?"


Probably not.



My life is so boring. Never a good day; never a bad day.

Is it too much to ask for something exciting to happen?

Check

Senior pictures were today.

Check that off my list.



SAT scores will be available soon. I'm really nervous to see how I did the second time around.

Dyed my hair red last night. I like this color way better than the ginger from before.

I'm getting fat again. It's pissing me off. I want to be really skinny again.

Elders Smelders

Wow, reading through a churches' statement of beliefs...I can only say wow. Reading through the women in leadership section (nine pages I might add) makes me feel bad about myself. Why? Cause I'm freaking female. Go figure.

Stupid old text.

I don't like church elders. Why the hell would I want to be one? So I can make other people miserable too? I don't think so.

Hello.Goodbye.I Love You. Does't Mean Anything

My mom came home yesterday. My grandma left. My dad is still here.

I've developed a pattern. Someone leaves temporaily. They call. I talk. When they go, hang up or call back I tell them I love them. I ask them questions, nod, respond with a yes or no. My voice is higher and more controlled.

But they are just motions. I really don't care, but I don't not care either.

There is something that differs between me and Autumn. When a parent leaves, Autumn misses them but I don't.

I think I just pretend to care because I emotionally take care of them. I remember my counsler discussing the possibility that I took care of my family more than I should...back in July. That wasn't something I was considering. No, I was just doing my share or a little extra knowing if I didn't do it it wouldn't get done. A little extra can't hurt right?

I'm getting to this point where I don't need my family emotionally. Being thirteen and fifteen I didn't want my family but know it's getting to the point where I don't need my family. At the same time, realizing how close I'm getting to being an adult, scares the hell out of me. That's a new feeling. Am I really ready for this?

The Flamers

Congratulations. You've joined the ranks of all the rest.

I try not be a judgemental person. I really do. but sometimes...i just can't help but wonder...about certain people.

I stumbled across a comment when looking at proposition 8 media. (Prop. 8 is to define marriage between a man and a woman. It was already passed but 4 judges overturned it though the state is calling this unlawful. If Prop. 8 is passed again it would be placed in the CA constitution, banning gay marriage.)

VOTE YES!! Hell will freeze over before my kids start to learn about these fags in school. Marriage is between a man and a woman!!! These perverts can keep their sinful lifestyle to themselves, let them burn!!! But don't let us go down with them!!!

...and my first thoughts were this person is a Christian? Do you see something slightly wrong with the message they are sending with these words? Maybe it's hypocritical for me to point out these things considering what a bad Christian I make...but you know. People need to think before they flame.
Opinions aside of course.

I might add I'm pretty sure profantity and name calling is also on the sinful lifestyle list. But just saying.

Never Good Enough

What am I doing?


Oh well. I'm a lost cause for the Christian kids anyways. Listening to them makes me feel bad. I'm just so...not like them. And I don't really regret it either.

He was right. The only way to get accepted again is to lie. I don't really care much to do that.

I miss Graciee. Because she got it. We need a group for all the Christians who aren't good enough to make into into the mainstream youth group.

Letters From Prison

Hello its me! I'm doing time in texas...at 53 years old, I should be enjoying the remainder of my life...and the fact that I just beat colorectal cancer means I'll live longer...in prision...I've got 2-20 and 2-15's for possession of drugs with intent to deliever and my wifes pistol in the back of my truck unloaded in her backpack...oh well my discharge date is 2-14-2027...haven't seen her since lock up...so I need a job, cartoonist, writing, anything I can from behind bars (that's legal).I thought about writing my autobiography but I can't remember what happened, duh?

This morning I joined my youth group voluneteering with an outreach ministry. We read letters from prisioners requesting books. My job was to read the letters, highlight the titles/authors/genres and copy the label information. I wrote names, addresses and prison ID's until my hand hurt. My brothers helped wrap books in packing paper.

Most of the letters were short. I did get one that was seven pages long, requesting lots of books. I think he was a poet because some of the lines rhymed but most of what he said didn't make any sense. Many prisioners requested books on horror and murder genres...but most likely they will be dissappointed.

One requested a title on gays and queers. Another asked for a book with sex scenes but no romance. My most confusing request was for a book on reincarnation and a picture book on fruit. He said it could be any fruit, apples, oranges... I just felt that was really strange.

The excerpt from the top was the letter that caught my eye. It was the only letter I read that described the crime. At the top he sketched a picture, a shape with skull eyes, and colored it purple and pink. It was really good.

Knowing that he was in for drugs though...his whole story really touched me. I think it's the other side of drugs...the one we don't see. It's always so glamorized, from the users to the dealers. How often do we see this side? A 53 year old man in jail till 2027. That's a long time.

Crimes are so preventable. It's a price no one wants to pay.

Samolie

We met this man today.

His name was Samolie and he is from Libya (North Africa). He is in America because he is pursuing his PHD. wow

He didn't really talk to me much though. Mostly to the guy we were with. That made me kind of sad. I tried to say things to him, but he wasn't interested. I think it might have been a cultural thing...

It was funny, he complained that he had bought butter at the 99 cents store, only to find out that the butter had expired. He was not very happy but we thought it was really funny.

Bigger Problem

Anyth​ing you'​​ve given up on?


Nope.

I need to work on that. I can't stop thinking about...oh here I go again. I sit in school, not listening to my teachers, but thinking about it.

I'm so awful. I wish I was still in trouble like I thought I was in. Now that I'm safe, it's misery. I wish it had come out different.

I wish I could be angry. I wish I could stop hoping and dreaming.

Every solution I find, turns my life into a bigger problem.

Lost Glasses

Can you predict what kind of behavior you will exhibit in a year? The sad thing is...I already know what I'm going to end up doing next summer.

It's not a talent. I'd rather not know.

Did you know that science has found out that when you are making a decision, your brain decides what you will do before you are even conscience of it? It's opened up a large debate on whether or not free will actually exists or not. It's interesting, you might read up on it.

I lost my glasses. and its making me mad that I can't find them. Taking notes is really hard without them cause I can't see what's written clearly. aiii

Dreams

I dreamed about him last night. It was a dream filled with imagery-a night sky, cold temperatures, a deep green forest, dark colors, rivers and pools of blue water and two mermaids, one with a bright purple tail and the other was aqua. They reappeared several times during the dream, swimming by quickly, their tails gracefully waving up and down as they swam through the water, before dissappearing into the distance.

The dream jumped between scenes, not appearing to be in any specific order.

At one point we walked into a house together. He left me downstairs, while he retreated upstairs and did not return. I waited for him, afraid to follow. I finally walked up the stairs and opened the door. He stood on the other side and approached me. Inside the room was also my brother Joe. I told him it was cold downstairs, realizing immediately afterwards that the room was very warm.

In another scene I sat in a car with someone else, a girl perhaps, waiting. Whatever we were waiting for, it did not it come.



I never dream about guys. In fact, I rarely remember my dreams at all but this one stands out to me. When I am emotionally disstressed, my dreams become tools to help understand the feelings and emotions that plague me.

In the dream, I am waiting for him. He leave me but I am afraid to follow. I have stood in front of him, while being completely ignored. In each case I felt like a fool, not knowing if I should go, stay or follow.
I find him with my brother-someone he's completely unconnected too. He'd spend time with anyone else but me.

The dark colors, night sky, cold and forest are my mind's representation of Oregon.

Consider the significance of the mermaids.

They swim away from me and I search for them, trying to find them throughout the entire dream.

They represent the pursuit of the desires I have. Something so beautiful but hardly attainable. No matter how close I get, they always slip away.

More importantly, mermaids don't really exist. I am chasing after something imaginary. My love for them, for him is real, but in the real world it doesn't exist. No matter how real the fantasies and the desires I have for him are, they cannot be fullfilled.

Light Red Hair Eek

We colored my hair again today.

Started out putting strawberry blond on it, to take it to red.

Well, it took my roots to a light red. But the rest of my hair was being stubborn and holding onto the dye from the previous session. So I had two toned hair. It did not look good and I was freaking out.

So I convinced my mom to put bleach on the bottom half of my hair, to lighten it. At the last moment she put some on my roots and amazingly my hair is even.

But it's so light! It's red alright...but not the color I had wanted. I want a cherry red, not a natural orangy redish. At first I thought I wanted the deep fake red, but I was worried that I wouldn't like going that dramatic. However, now that I have seen red highlight, and natural red I can say that is definetly what I want.

I wonder what people are going to say when they see me tomorrow.

This is more of the color I want:

Oh College

Oh Ducks, I expected more of you. =(


I took the SAT again today. The test is so long, it's such a killer. I know I did better this time, so at least I won't have to take it again.

But it makes me have to think about college. I haven't really been doing anything about the upcoming deadlines, apart from signing up for the SAT.

I haven't made any decisions yet but I do have options to consider.

Community College:
CCC (CA)
PCC (OR)

save me money. could get me residency in Oregon.

University
Cal Poly Pomona
University of Oregon
Portland State
Western Washington

I really really really don't want to stay here next year. I despise California and really miss Portland/Clackamas. Even to stay for one or two years is going to kill me. I'm not even sure how I'm going to survive this year. On a side note, it was cool and rained today here. Thank God.

But since my parents moved me down here I'd have to pay out of state tution to go to Oregon or Portland. I won't know how much federal finacial aid I qualify for until I file the FASFA in Janurary. In the meantime I need to fill out scholarship applications. The out-of-state tution is around $30,000 a year, including housing.

I'm hoping to combine aid, scholarship, work study and a loan if I have too. Even though my parents deserve to pay the difference of out and in state, I don't expect them to. Money is tight now with the rent and living expenses and I don't think that will change anytime soon.

Even though out of state is expensive, I'm looking at it seriously.

I love U of O, the campus, the programs. It would be a real college experience.

But since I'm considering social work, I'd need a mastor's degree which I can get at Portland State after my degree. But if I have to pay off loans I don't think I'll be able to study full time after my four years are up.

If I can't get a loan because of the banking crisis, I'm going to be pissed. I hope some good can come out of this bailout plan...

I don't think I'm going to be making any decision until I see acceptance letters. Since I qualify for free lunches I won't have to pay applications fees. The number of apps I sent out isn't going to be limited to like one or two schools. I'll probably apply to all four of the universities and see what happens.

This college thing is too complicated.

Announced

Finally, something to lift my spirit.

My dance studio announced this year's performance. It's Cinderella! We are all very excited.

I think classes perform a dance but I'd like to audition to see if I can get a part. Auditions are in November so it gives me time to work my butt off to get my technique back up to where it was in August. Just the few weeks I had off, set me back really far. I need to get solid double pirroutes, clean up glissades and jetes, and work on extensions, turnout and flexi.

I hope it will take my mind off of him.

Offended

Being upset by your own thoughts is similiar to writing yourself a nasty letter-and then being offended by it.


Okay fine then. I'm mad at you for doing the things that made me think the thoughts which make me so upset. Apparently what you did, did not make me upset but my thoughts about it.

But you know what?

You are an idiot.


and a liar.



I am offended.