Going To Do Better

Just because I like to argue with myself....last year I was really negative so I'd like to go over a blog I wrote Janurary 1 2007.

Now that 2006 has closed and we've been slammed and tossed into 2007 I thought I should write a blog on it. It’s a new year. Translation: Remember last year? Remember how miserable and awful it was?

Actually I don’t remember anymore. Mostly I only remember this year. It’s safe to say bad things happen. There’s nothing I can do to prevent negativity from entering my life so I probably should face it with a smile. I mean I feel great.

Tomorrow I get to go back to school. I get to spend thirty hours a week riding buses. I get to listen kids harass each other and teachers yell at their students. I have the privilege of receiving hours of homework everyday. I get to eat crappy, undercooked food or carry my own crappy food. I get to have sore shoulders and back from caring around two textbooks, four notebooks and a binder in a book bag. I get to sit in classes where the teacher’s completely waste my time but colleges NEED to see that I earned A's in the classes. I get to start pulling together everything and take eight finals. I am so lucky aren't I?

Well I suppose I am lucky. I am getting an education after all. Not to mention the only reason I go to CHS is because I want to be there. Besides this year is better. I mean I still have heavy text books but thankfully I have an accessible locker to store them in. I even have friends I can take advantage of and conn them into carrying the books for me. I’ve found some good food too. I ever realized they sold canned pineapple. Plus since they stopped selling French fries I’ve been able to eat much healthier.

I want to be bored again. My heavy schedule that lasted from September to December almost killed me. I do not want to do that again. But chances are since all years are the same I will.

I probably will always kill myself during preChristmas season. It’s a good thing I like to be busy. Singing in a musical or dancing in the Nutcracker takes a lot of time and commitment but it’s worth it in the end. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without it.

I mean really, what will be different about this year? So when we said goodbye 2005 and hello 2006 I was a freshman. When we say goodbye 2007 I'll be a junior. The workloads vary and so do the classes but nothing will be different. What will be different about this year? What will be better? What will be worse? What new stuff will I do that will actually matter?

Every year is different. I’ve become such a different person this year I don’t even recognize myself. Maybe the changes were good, maybe they were bad. It’s not something anyone can prevent. It just happens. Experience changes a person. I’ve learned so much about who I am lately…I hope that by next New Year’s I will be more confident and more together. Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging together by a thread.

Do you ever think about how most everything we do doesn't matter to anyone except us? Does it ever bother you that when you're dead except your kids, cousins, nieces, nephews and grandchildren no one will ever know you existed?

Oh goodness here goes another philosophical rant. Who are we? What is the purpose of life? I am Emily and the purpose of my life is to make a life and have fun. Question solved.

A time will come when all the struggles in life are unseen by all. It won't matter at all. No one will ever know of you, what you did, or why it mattered.

Yeah that’s true but I still hope to leave behind some kind of a legacy. Actually I’m kind of pathetic so maybe it’s better if no one remembers me.

Going on the class field trip to pick up soda cans may have changed the way the park looked that week but it thirty years no one will know the difference or care.

Yeah? Well what if no one ever picked up soda cans? Then what would the park look like in thirty years? It would be damn well ruined with soda cans. So go on all your class field trips and always throw your soda cans away.

Does that bother you? Does it bother you that you work five days a week for eight hours everyday but except directly to you, your family and friends and friends?

I like benefiting myself. Buying a dress for me, helping pay for ballet class for me, having nice shoes for me. I don’t want to support the world. I’m happy just taking care of me.

Welcome to the first day of 2007. Hopefully it will be a good year for you. It will probably look a lot like last year and the year before that. Nothing really ever changes, nothing really matters.

It did change though and it does matter. I have no idea where 2008 is going to take me. It’s a journey I guess. I don’t like thinking of life in years. It makes me feel like time is slipping away…that I don’t have as much time as I used to think.
There is a constant battle inside me.

Part of me wants to grow up NOW

Part of me is afraid to age. Part of me doesn’t want to stop being a teenager. Part of me likes being able to go around and cause trouble and be dismissed as ‘oh just a teenager.’ What’s going to happen when I actually have to be good?

Right now I’m in this awesome position. The middle schoolers and freshman look up to me. I can give them advice as someone who’s been through everything. But in a year or two that’s not going to happen anymore. It’s like getting kicked out of a club because you’re an adult. No one cares about adult advice. That’s just a fact. Everyone knows adults are out to get you.

Well…happy 2008 I guess. We’ll see how this goes. I hope it's an incredible year for all of us.

Merry Christmas

Did everyone have a good Christmas? I certainly did.

I never expected it to snow. When my little sister called out that it was snowing I was star struck. It was snowing? The snow was so pretty and the flakes were huge! Even Sarah got excited about the [s]'no'[w]. It was a magical moment I know I'll never forget. I've never had a white Christmas before.

Hide and Seek

Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just began to fall

Crop circles in the carpet

Sinking feeling

Spin me round again

and rub my eyes

this can't be happening

when busy streets

a mess with people who stop to hold

their heads heavy

Oily marks appear on walls

where pleasure moments hung

before the takeover

the sweeping insensitivity

of this still life

Hide and Seek

Trains and

sewing machings

blood and tears

they were here first

Oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung
before the takeover
the sweeping insensitivity
of this still life

Imogen Heap

Just Life

I was having an Emily moment today. I managed to get wax stuck to my hands and spent nearly a half hour trying to get it off before my mom suggested vasiline which worked. Gee wish I had known that sooner! Oh well. Life goes on. At least it's off for the most part.

Yesterday was an awesome day! I get to school, hang out and then go to the locker room. All I keep hearing is, "School might be canceled!" Finally I got some real info. There was a broken water pipe or something. The water was completely shut off. That meant no toliets, drinking fountains, cooking, or emergency water in case of a fire.

My teacher made us dress down anyways and we went to the gym and did a flexibility test. Periodically the principle would come on the speaker and tell us to wait patiently, stay calm and stay in our classrooms. Finally about 9:30 she told us school was canceled. I'm told the cheering in the commons was incredibly loud. All the sabin-schellenberg kids were in there and basically exploded with glee. I couldn't hear them but everyone in the gym was screaming too so it just kind of blended together. My teacher kept saying we were acting like 8 year olds but I could tell she was excited too.

We all got to race down to the locker room and dress in two minutes. They gave us like 5 minutes to get on a bus so I was practically running down the hall. In the end I didn't go home. I joined with Bryant, Chris and a hell of a lot of other friends and we walked to the mall. We lost two guys and two girls at someones house on the way and we were privilaged to wait in the mall food court for them. Some David Douglas kids were playing a concert in their but we weren't really listening. I thought we were going to get kicked out we were being so loud but it was freakin funny.

Some of the people weren't getting along very well though so we had to split up to advoid a fight. Some of the guys went to get/give "free hugs", some just wandered and a couple of us went to Spencers and then the promanade.

I saw the most awesome shirt in Spencer's ever. It was a maternity shirt and it said across the front, "I'm proof the pullout method doesn't work." I love. I'm so buying that for the next chick who gets preggie. haha

Today was an okay day but not as fun as yesterday. I'm hella sore though from (1) walking in shoes with zero support (2) carrying a heavy shoulder strap bag around all day (3) Ballet.

Sunday is performance day for Be Not Afraid. Tomorrow is last dress rehersal! I'm so happy but I'm really not happy that I have to miss Winter Rage. Uggg! I really wanted to do it this year! Plus I need 20 Key Club hours in the next like two months. I think anyways. Maybe just Janurary? I don't know. I think the terms are three months. So September-Nov, Dec-Feb, March-May? Something like that.

HPV

I just finished a project on HPV, Human Papillomavirus. I didn't know very much about before I started. I knew thanks to the Gardasil vaccine that it was somehow related to cervical cancer but not much other than that. I thought I'd enlighten ya'll on it. Aren't you excited?

First of all what is HVP?


The Human Papillomavirus is a virus the causes genital warts and genital cancers that is spread through sexual contact. There are more than 100 strains. More than 30 of these strains are sexually transmitted.

How is it Spread?

Genital HPV is spread through skin-to-skin contact. It is not spread through an exchange of bodily fluid.

What are the usual sites on infection?

HPV is infected in the genital areas. This includes the vagina, vulva, cervix, anus, penis or scrotum. It can be spread by vaginal and anal intercourse, oral sec and other skin-to-skin contact. Recent studies suggest the risk of transmitting HPV during oral sex to be low. However high-risk HPV accounts of 1/4 of all oral cancers.

What is the incubation period?

After sexual contact with an infected person symptoms may appear within weeks, months or not at all.

How can you prevent it?

You can reduce the risk of contracting HPV

• Have only one partner
• Use condoms
• Recieve HPV Vaccine

You can Prevent HPV by practicing abstinence.

What are the signs and symptoms?

Most people who have HPV will not have symptoms. The virus lives in skin and muscus membrances and doesn't usually cause symptoms. Low-risk types of HPV may cause genital warts. High-risk types may cause cell changes that sometimes lead to cervical and certain other genital and throat cancers.

What is the outlook/prognosis

Most HPV infections go away within eight to 13 months but not all. Uncleared HPV infections can remain dormant for years. 90% of HPV positive people will become HPV negative within 6 to 24 months. It is unknown if the virus is eminated due to effective immune response or if it is just present in extremely small numbers.

Give me some numbers...

• 20 Million people are infected
• By age 50 80% of women will have had HPV
• About 6.2 million new genital HPV cases occur each year
• Over 5,000 women each year die of cervical cancer in the United States.
• HPV is so common that about three out of four people have HPV at some point in their lives.

And....

Most women recover from HPV infections and many women develop immunity against different types of HPV that they have been exposed to. It is not fully known why some women develop long term HPV infection, precancerous abnormal cell changes, or cervical cancer. Women who have damaged immune systems are at higher risk for cervical cancer. Cigarette smoking increases the risk of cervical cancer.

Curious as to if you have cervical cancer ladies? Get your pap smears. Girls should consider getting Gardasil if not already sexually active.

See that wasn't so bad.

I Love to be Loved

It's a good feeling to be loved. Knowing someone else wants you to exist in there life is comforting. Everyone needs to know that we have a person or people. Someone that could be thinking about you at any moment.

Ever wonder if your person was thinking of you? I do. What are they thinking right now? Oh I wish I knew! Because I know they care for me. They spend time building me up instead of tearing me down. I want to focus more on the builders and less on the destroyers.

I’m wishing on a new moon.

Something better’s coming.

It’s coming soon.

I feel it coming.

I feel it coming.

I feel it coming

Strangley enough Grey's Anatomy always makes me think of my relationships with the people around me. So much of the episodes are devoted to the patients and the cast trying to be doctors. But in the end it's always about them as people. They fall out of their doctor mode and we wonder how they make it from day to day. It's a soap opera but I still ponder. It's funny because the way I handle relationships has been influenced by it.

I can't decide if I want it to be the weekend. Part of me wants it too be Monday but part of me doesn't want Friday to end. I wish I could extend time when I wished. Wouldn't that be nice?

My Teeth Ache

Life is cold, life is sick but life is good. Life is strange.

I'm actually in trouble at school. Imagine that, I did something to get in trouble. Well, my whole class is. It's not just me.
What happened was on Monday we went to class and there was a sign on the door to go to first lunch. So we did and came back to class. For the first ten minutes another teacher was there with us and then our sub arrived. He didn't know we'd already had lunch.

Long story short some people in the class led on that we had third lunch. He released us at 1:19.

So basically we got two lunches.

I went to the library to study for a quiz but felt pretty bad. At the same time though it felt really good even though I knew we'd be in big trouble when our teacher found out.

We are.

Not big trouble. We got a lecture and our teacher told us how dissapointed she was in us and how disrespectful we were. Friday we are supposed to bring our lunches and eat in the classroom. No one is allowed to leave.

Not to harsh actaully. But I still feel pretty bad about that. She's my favorite teacher.

Today was a first for me. I went to the dentist to have four small cavities filled. Since they were so small he didn't numb me. I did not like feeling the drilling. I also hate the way my teeth bump against each other when I bite. Grrrr Stupid cavities.

I want to snap my fingers and have three things happen.
1. My homework to be all done.
2. I get well.
3. It's tomorrow.

Not Feeling to Awesome

Today has been a good day. I'm just afraid I might have made a decision that I will regret. Heck no I'm regretting it. Oh this smarts.



I keep telling myself I can't make everyone happy. I'm not expected to make everyone happy. It's not even possible for everyone to be happy.



I need a distraction. Hip hop isn't doing it. I could stretch...




I could try to get well. Maybe drink a ton of water, relax my sore back on the heatinng pad, take a nap, take some vitamin C. I really just don't know how to get well. I've been sick since October. It's what, December now? I'm running out of ideas.




You know what really sucks? I'm getting off my period so I'm really hormonal. I'm craving some lovin. ugggggg oiii This is like double torture. Maybe even triple torture.



I guess the song I'm listening too kind of makes it worse. Great, a song about stripping. That's exactly what I need.



So now I'm just rambling.

I probably should focus and go stretch. I have pretty big goals and definetly a long way to go.

This is it

This song describes it all...so much better than I could ever.

I don't know what I've done,
or if I like, what I've begun
But something told me to run and honey you know me, it’s all anon

There were sounds in my head,
a little voice is whispering,
That I should go,
and this should end,
but then I found myself listening.

Cuz I don't know, who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand, another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should
Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
if it was wrong, or it was right
But you aint leaving without a fight
and I think I am just as torn inside

Cuz I don't know, who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand, another hand upon you,
All I know is that I should

Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
And I wont be far from where you are if ever you should cal
lYou meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself
And so I say to you...This is what I have to do

Cuz she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
She who dares to stand where I stood


Missy Higgins

Still True

This is frightening to read. How true this is! It's slightly edited to fit the occasion but this is exactly how I feel.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

I will never understand. There is a line that separates niceness and truthfulness. When our emotions get the better of us we cross that line. Once the line is crossed there's no turning back, no matter how badly you want too. The deadliest weapons are useless. Scars are left that never heal. And yet knowing this we cross the line anyway. Start out slow. Wade in until we are completely submerged.

Some people have no problem lying to your face. What hurts is when they mean it.

The aftertaste lingers.

And you never forget.

You could describe the tone of the voice. You could quote exactly what they said. It’s like trying to not to be sick. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Trust doesn't come easy. How many times do we experience learning our most intimate secrets revealed? So we close up and say nothing.

Antisocial.

Isn't there a saying about the risk of being hurt is worth it? They were wrong. There is nothing worse than betrayal.

Humiliation.

Tears.

Never will forget.

With trust there is a mutual feeling of safety. We don't think that this person would ever betray us. But they do.

Betrayal is not just in words or actions. It is passing judgment and siding against.

You trust or you don’t. If I don't I will say nothing. If I do I will say everything. It’s more than trust. Its understanding.

No pity.

No sympathy.

There are two ways of suffering. With people or without. Some people will do anything humanly possible for attention…telling jokes…suicide

I suffer alone.

Smile through everything. Doesn't matter how you feel. If you smile and laugh people think you're okay. No need to see any tears. No questions asked.

That is how I exist. It’s better that way.

I changed. I only lost myself. My secrets are no longer secrets. They have been flung open for everyone too stare at. I have been betrayed.

Never place honesty in the temporary. Never believe a liar.

Who wishes Saturday away?

Today is a really low key Saturday for me. I don't have to work or do any major homework. My mom wanted me to work though. The church is having its 'Decking of the Halls" today and the prospect of waking up at 7 so I could go was not appealing. Plus Lauren spent the night and she didn't leave till noon so I wouldn't have been able to go anyways. But apperently my mom really 'needed' me, so says my dad. She got really pissed off at me for 'being rude' and now I'm grounded. Fun huh?

My dad went into this long story about how stressed out she is and blah blah. I'm supposed to be thinking about how to make amends? No I don't think so. Call it 13ish but I'm not sorry she's stressed out. I know for a fact I'm more stressed out and over committed than she is so it's not even fair that I would be expected to spend the day at church. I hate that place so why would I want to spend more time there?

Johnnie Beth has been committing my ass to the church constantly. I got sucked into doing the youth song in the musical we're doing. I'm like dude I'm already in the thing why do I need to do one more song? Ken was yelling at me saying I had to because I'm apart of the youth group even if I pretend I'm not. Well wake up call Ken, I'm not. And then he's like you need to start thinking about what you're going to do for Youth Sunday.

Okay people what do you want? Pick one thing because I have my limits. I'm freaking choregraphing and performing the stupid youth song. I'm probably going to be a speaker for youth sunday and I asked to design the power point.

lets see...what else am I doing for the church?

1. Pastor's Daughter: 24/7
I'm an image, an object to satisfy the whole, 'pastor with a large family' thing.
2. Children's Music Leader: 1 hr/wk
I choregraph songs and teach them to the kids each Sunday morning.
3. Church Libraian
I am orgnaizing and bringing the library back to life. At least I would be if I had the time.
4. Choir Member: 2hr/wk
on/off I sing on the choir
5. Sunday School Teachers Aide: 1hr/wk
I'm planning on quitting soon.
6. Nursery Helper
I'm in their helping Amy out way more than any other volunteer. That's a given. I'm a sub for everyone.
7. High School Website Designer

Now we add on youth group stuff. Then we consider school. Don't forget about ballet. And homework. And sleep.

That doesn't leave me with really anytime. I like to be busy but not with church stuff. Uggggg! If I get stuck at church all day on Sundays I deserve to have Saturday off.

Lets see my mother is a housewife, nursing mother, and a homeschool teacher. Yeah she has stuff at church, she plays bass, sings choir and is in charge of church life but that doesn't equal a need for me. I am more stressed out and busier than she is. Seriously. I'm not apologizes for that.

I want it to be Monday. That's a strange thought. Who wishes Saturday away? It snowed today but just for a little while and it didn't stick. I wish it did. I wish it buried the grass, dirt and roads. White stands for purity. I want the earth to be pure.

I have to make a decision. The outcome has the ability of really pissing Jake off. Funny thing is I'd really like to do that.

He said he'd stop talking shit about me yesterday but we'll see if that's true. Chris figured it was a lie but I'm going to take him on his word. However, if I hear from another person about something he said about me I'm going to make him just as miserble as he was making me. Afterall, it's only fair that I repay him for all the lies he told. And I don't even have to lie so my promise isn't in any danger.

The outcome of my decision also has the chance of making me really happy. What a thought! I haven't been happy in so long. It would be nice to be happy and whole again. I think perhaps I might favor the choice that will make me happy.