Almost There

Life has been really slow lately. Thankfully there's no more drama for me to deal with. Yes, THANK YOU GOD! Yeah I really don't like drama in my life. Hopefully I didn't speak too soon. Oh! Knock on wood. lol

But things are starting to look up...I think it's like coming out of a tunnel. It was really long and dark for a while but on the other end it's bright and sunny. I'm definetly a stronger person now.
I'm making a resolve to not be a liar. It's not that I am a liar it's just that I have told more than a few lies in my life and I've been thinking. In English class we are reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and my teacher pointed out that Huck constantly lied in the novel and asked us if we thought liars were bad people. Can you be a liar and a good person?

Most of the class said yes but it depended on the extent. I disagreed. I was the only one to say outloud that if liars are bad people. See my reasoning is that if you're a liar you're not being a responsible person-you're not oweing up to your decisions, mistakes and thoughts. In the process you hurt a lot of people. If knowing you are a source of pain you ignore it and continue to hurt, then you're not a good person. My teacher even said he agreed with me. How cool is that?

If there is one thing I've learned looking back at my relationship with Jake is that not taking responsibility for your own actions and blaming it on the other person only brings pain. I wasn't perfect and definetly had more than my fair share of 'moments' but I really always did try to take responsibility for my own crap. The problem was that Jake dumped all his crap on me.

I don't mean that he had some bad days when he would take out his bad mood on me. No, I get that. I tried to be there for him so when he was having a bad day I could be his safety. But everyday was a bad day eventually. After awhile we'd get into an argument and then it would be because I started it. He'd tell me, "I just called for a nice conversation and then you had to be like this."
That's not fair at all.

I could get over this if he hadn't denied it. Now I can't. I'm trying so hard but I physically can't. I'm just so angry at him. It hurt so bad! How could he say that. "I've never blamed anything on you. You can ask anyone. I never blamed anything on you." I can still hear him say that...the way his voice echoed in the hallway....the surge of anger...the hurt that I felt. It's all still there. Over and over again I ask myself, why? Why would he say that? I don't know why. But it hurt and still does. Will it ever stop?

He could have slapped me hard across the face and it would have hurt less.

I will not be like him. I will be better than that. And I will never allow a person to treat me like that again. I deserve better than that.

I will not be a liar either. I won't stoop to his level. From now on don't ask me a question that you don't want an honest answer too.

However there is one exception:the things I've already lied about, my secrets, are not included. If necessary I will lie to preserve them.

That's self preservation. Regardless if it's moral, if it's right I will do it. I guaentee you that much.

I have so much to think about! It's funny how much can change in a month...even in a week. My whole life changed in five minutes. The tears I cried then could not compare to the ones I've been crying ever since.

But I'm almost to the other end of the tunnel. I've established a new life and I have my eyes on a new person to allow into it. I think he might like me too. Wouldn't that be dreamy?

I Guess I'm Just Mental

What's your mental illness?
ANOREXIA
[x] you feel weak.
[x] you hate your body.
[] you have starved yourself.
[] you have low self esteem.
[] you use laxatives.
[x] you need to be skinnier.
[x] people always say you're skinny, but you disagree.
[x] people have told you that you're skinny.
total: 5
ADHD
[] you are hyper most of the time.
[] you barely pay attention to anything.
[] you cannot cooperate with people well.
[x] you seem to never sit still.
[x] you talk all the time.
[] you need attention 24/7.
total: 2
BIPOLAR DISORDER
[x] you can act wild at times then the next day you are severely depressed.
[x] you are very irritable.
[] you barely get any or no sleep.
[] you have very high self esteem at times.
[] you have abused alcohol, drugs, or sex.
[] you have thought of/attempted suicide.
[] you have VERY bad mood swings
total: 2
BULEMIA NERVOSA
[] you've thrown up all of your food.
[] you have thrown it up even when you don't feel sick.
[] you have no control over how you eat.
[] you use laxatives.
[x] you eat fast.
[x] you have overly exercised to where you almost fainted/passed out.
[x] you always say you are fat, when people say you aren't.
total: 3
CONDUCT DISORDER
[] you are a bully.
[] you threaten other people.
[] you often find yourself in fights.
[] you have used a weapon that could cause injury to others.
[] you are cruel to humans and/or animals.
[] you have raped/molested someone.
[] you destroy property on purpose.
[x] you lie.
[] you stay out all night.
[] you have ran away from home.
total: 1
DEPRESSION
[] you are always sad.
[] you always are crying.
[x] you no longer find excitement over the activities you used to love.
[] you always find yourself around the house or in bed all day.
[x] you can be anti-social.
[x] at times you have low self esteem.
[x] everything bad that happens is always your fault.
total: 4
OCD
[x] you have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate.
[] you have to do a certain thing until it feels right
[x] you have to keep things in a certain order. certain things have to be in a certain order, and the space in between must be identical
[x] you have harmed yourself.
[x] you are afraid you will get a std, aids, or any kind of germs.
[x] you have to check some stuff over again.
total: 5
SCHIZOPHRENIA
[] you often have hallucinations.
[] you can be confused about reality and fantasy.
[x] you think people are always staring or talking about you.
[] you have extreme anxiety or fearfulness.
[] you do not take care of your hygiene like you should.
[x] you are shy
total: 2

I Promise You

Don't be my friend.

I don't need you in my life again.

Oh, you won't catch me around here.

Just carry on.

I’ve had enough: I heard that you were talking shit.

You're not the person that I once knew.

There's nothing I can say.

All of the wasted time.

My world is crushed and I'm all alone.

It's so easy to be lost.

I used to be so strong.

I'm barely hanging on.

It's not the way that I want it.

It's the best way we survive.

I'm incomplete.

I'm so weak.

Now all that's left of me...is what I pretend to be.

You don't care a bit.

Little things adding up.

If they could only see you like I do.

You made yourself look perfect in every way.

I'm the one that will be blamed.

The shame.

The coffee’s never strong enough.

Watch me fall apart.

I promise you won't ever see me cry

The Invitation

Tanya lay in bed that night unable to sleep. She reviewed the day’s events over and over again in her head. That night would have been a good night to sleep because she had a history test in the morning but she couldn’t put her mind to rest. There was so much to think about, like Spencer. He had looked at her for one brief moment during lunch. It had been heaven when his smile and met hers. He’d only asked for a napkin but she would store those few words away in her memory forever. In that moment her heart had soared to heights she had only dreamed of before. Images of them together holding hands in the hallway brought a smile to her face. She knew she would die if he didn’t like her.
Life was cruel. He was sure to pick Megan over her. It just wasn’t fair. A tear drop slipped down her cheek. She wanted Spencer all to herself. Megan had had many boyfriends before. She didn’t need another one. Tanya on the other hand really needed a boyfriend. Her thirteenth birthday had passed and she still hadn’t had her first kiss yet. Megan probably had had her first kiss when she was still in elementary school. It just wasn’t fair.
Sometime that night, very late, she had fallen asleep. The alarm rang on schedule but it felt much earlier than usual. Tanya rolled over and squinted at the clock. It read 7:00 AM. Finding the snooze button she turned over and fell back asleep. Fifteen minutes she finally drug herself out of bed and into the shower. She rushed through her morning preparations taking extra care with her hair and applying two coats of lip gloss instead of just one. Would she see Spencer today? She wanted to look her best just in case she did.
Before she left the bathroom she studied her reflection in the mirror. She was smaller than most of the girls at school. Her wavy, medium length brown hair lung loosely at her shoulders. Running her fingers through a strand of hair she wondered how she would look if she straightened it. Megan always straightened her hair. Maybe she would be celebrity pretty if she had straighter hair?
“You’re going to be late!’” Tanya’s mother yelled from the kitchen.
Making a mental note to straighten her hair tomorrow she grabbed her backpack and hurried out to the kitchen. Grabbing a piece of toast she jumped into the car with her dad. He joined her moments later carrying his coffee and briefcase. Tanya had never liked coffee. She preferred to drink tea instead. But Megan liked coffee. Did Spencer like coffee too? Maybe she should start drinking coffee too.
At school she met Katie by her locker. “Did you talk to your sister?” She needed to know right away.
Katie yawned. She was not a morning person. Shaking her red hair out of her face she yawned again. “Not yet but I’ll do it today after my soccer game. Are you coming to watch me play?”
“Oh my gosh, Katie I completely forgot. I’ll have to call my mom and ask her but I’ll try to be there okay?” “Do you promise?” Katie eyed her, studying for any signs that would indicate otherwise.
“Of course I promise. You’re my best friend. I love to watch you play.” She gave Katie a quick hug. “I have to go to class so I can study for a minute before class starts. I couldn’t concentrate last night.”
“Oh wonder why?” She teased her. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
Tanya waved and walked to class earlier than usual. As she neared the classroom her pulse sped up. Spencer was across the hall with his friends, leaning against a locker. She froze. Spencer looked up right at the moment and smiled at her. She tried to manage a smile but her face was frozen. He got up and walked towards her.
“You’re one of the girls at lunch right?” He asked trying to remember who she was.
“Yeah, that’s me. Tanya. I mean that’s my name.” She stuttered unable to think straight. He was so perfect. His smile made her want to melt onto the floor.
“Tanya? That’s an uncommon name. I’ll remember it.” He nodded to her. “You want to come hang out with me and some friends after school? We’re going the basketball court to shoot some hoops.” He offered.
Tanya felt a sudden dread and excitement all at the same time. He was inviting her to go hang out with him! But she had promised Katie she’d go to her game. Katie would have many games though. She couldn’t pass up a chance to be with Spencer.
“Yeah I’d love to.” She prayed she didn’t sound too eager.
The bell rang. He started to walk away. “Ill see you at 3 o’clock at the front of the school then.” He smiled and then disappeared into the crowd.
Tanya waved and stared off into space dreamily. The reality hit her. What was she going to tell Katie?

The Perfect Arrangment?

Spencer and Nick arrived late for lunch. The crowded cafeteria was filled with hungry students and there were no free tables. The guys quickly bought lunch and began their search for somewhere to sit. They spotted some seats open next to a group of girls they didn’t know very well. Walking over they smiled to the girls.

“Can we sit down with you girls?” Spencer flashed a smile. The girls nodded and they sat down.
Tanya sat especially straight through lunch. She was captivated by Spencer’s smile and hung on his every word. It didn’t take long for the other girls to notice.

After lunch Katie caught up with Tanya in the hallway. For a few minutes they chatted about school but Katie had something else on her mind. She grinned and looked straight at her best friend “Spencer’s pretty cute, huh?”

Tanya turned away but Katie saw her cheeks flush red. “Yeah, well he’s okay looking.” She focused her attention on opening her locker.

“Oh yeah right, I saw the way you were looking at him. You were in fantasy land. It was written all over your face.” Katie leaned back against another locker. She studied Tanya’s face. She was not a very good liar. “The other girls noticed it too. I think Megan liked him too so you might have so competition.”

“Do you think?” She pulled out her science book. “Megan is so pretty. Next to her I look like a frog.” She pointed to the frog on the cover of the book. “That’s me. Ribbit ribbit.”

Megan giggled. “Nah, you’re pretty too, just in a different way.” She thought for a minute before continuing. “Megan is celebrity pretty. You’re cute girl in the back of the room pretty.”

Tanya frowned. “Are you sure?” She wasn’t sure that was a good thing. Spencer probably would like celebrity pretty much better.

“I’m positive.” They started to walk to class. “Hey, I have an idea. My sister is friends with his sister. Maybe I could get her to put in a good word for you.”

Tanya thought about it for a minute. “Okay, but don’t tell her that I like him.”

She waved her hand. “Don’t worry. I’ll keep your secret.”

The bell rang and the girls parted ways. Sitting in science class Tanya tried to settle the uneasy feeling in her stomach. Katie was trust worthy but still there was something that bothered her about the arrangement. Was this the only way Spencer would notice her? True, she was plain next to Megan and her perfectly straight blond hair but Tanya had never thought she was ugly. Maybe it would work out after all. At least she hoped so but there was something about middle school were everything always seemed to go wrong…

A New Beginning

Today is November first. That means it’s going to be a new beginning. My life is shaky now but it’s just going to get better. The see saw ride is over. It’s all up from here.

You know attitude is everything. I can’t control everything that’s going on around me. However all is not lost because I can control how I feel about it. I chose to be happy.

If I want I can sit around and throw a big pity party. I’ll feel worse but hey I can do that. Stressing outing won’t make me feel better either. Neither will being really angry. Instead I’m going to be happy. No one is going to ruin that.

Jake you can stay away. I’m not going to play the game anymore. I’m going to be a functional person again. Scary thought I know. Just because you are emotionally unstable doesn’t mean I’m going to be. This time it’s about me. I’m going to take care of myself. Everyone wants me to care for them but if I can’t help myself than obviously I can’t help anyone else. That’s a fact.

I’m going to be an amazing student this month.

I’m going to be a neat freak this month.

I’m going to walk around with a smile on my face this month.

I’m going to be friendly and supportive.

I’m not going to cry anymore than I have too.

I’m not going to wallow in self pity.

I’m not going to want people to feel sorry for me.

I’m going to be optimistic and hope that things work out.

I am Emily Rose. I am a nice, beautiful person. I am not limited to the silliness of life. I’m going to excel and be happy.

November I’m ready for you.