Almost There

Life has been really slow lately. Thankfully there's no more drama for me to deal with. Yes, THANK YOU GOD! Yeah I really don't like drama in my life. Hopefully I didn't speak too soon. Oh! Knock on wood. lol

But things are starting to look up...I think it's like coming out of a tunnel. It was really long and dark for a while but on the other end it's bright and sunny. I'm definetly a stronger person now.
I'm making a resolve to not be a liar. It's not that I am a liar it's just that I have told more than a few lies in my life and I've been thinking. In English class we are reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and my teacher pointed out that Huck constantly lied in the novel and asked us if we thought liars were bad people. Can you be a liar and a good person?

Most of the class said yes but it depended on the extent. I disagreed. I was the only one to say outloud that if liars are bad people. See my reasoning is that if you're a liar you're not being a responsible person-you're not oweing up to your decisions, mistakes and thoughts. In the process you hurt a lot of people. If knowing you are a source of pain you ignore it and continue to hurt, then you're not a good person. My teacher even said he agreed with me. How cool is that?

If there is one thing I've learned looking back at my relationship with Jake is that not taking responsibility for your own actions and blaming it on the other person only brings pain. I wasn't perfect and definetly had more than my fair share of 'moments' but I really always did try to take responsibility for my own crap. The problem was that Jake dumped all his crap on me.

I don't mean that he had some bad days when he would take out his bad mood on me. No, I get that. I tried to be there for him so when he was having a bad day I could be his safety. But everyday was a bad day eventually. After awhile we'd get into an argument and then it would be because I started it. He'd tell me, "I just called for a nice conversation and then you had to be like this."
That's not fair at all.

I could get over this if he hadn't denied it. Now I can't. I'm trying so hard but I physically can't. I'm just so angry at him. It hurt so bad! How could he say that. "I've never blamed anything on you. You can ask anyone. I never blamed anything on you." I can still hear him say that...the way his voice echoed in the hallway....the surge of anger...the hurt that I felt. It's all still there. Over and over again I ask myself, why? Why would he say that? I don't know why. But it hurt and still does. Will it ever stop?

He could have slapped me hard across the face and it would have hurt less.

I will not be like him. I will be better than that. And I will never allow a person to treat me like that again. I deserve better than that.

I will not be a liar either. I won't stoop to his level. From now on don't ask me a question that you don't want an honest answer too.

However there is one exception:the things I've already lied about, my secrets, are not included. If necessary I will lie to preserve them.

That's self preservation. Regardless if it's moral, if it's right I will do it. I guaentee you that much.

I have so much to think about! It's funny how much can change in a month...even in a week. My whole life changed in five minutes. The tears I cried then could not compare to the ones I've been crying ever since.

But I'm almost to the other end of the tunnel. I've established a new life and I have my eyes on a new person to allow into it. I think he might like me too. Wouldn't that be dreamy?