Maddness

I hate geuniuses.

Reason: they become concieted and while thinking they know more then everyone else they become horrid teachers.

Case study: my autistic french teacher.

He says French correction symbols make more sense than English ones. Okay.

He gives us the worksheet tht explains it-but there's a catch-it's in French. Not French directions but matching sentences with errors with to the correction symbol. Now weare expected for homework to figure it out on our own. Okay. He gives us the correct letters fr the matching the next day.

Having correct answers does no good if you don't understand it. Could you ask the teacher? Only if you can say it in French.

So now I'm stuck trying to read his 'briliant' correction symbols that make absloutely no sense so I can correct something and turn it in tomorrow.

I refuse to sty in his class next semester. I will not put up with him anymore. I don't care if I hav to take two PE classes in a row...no more stupid french teacher.

This is maddness. I hat French. I want to learn Russian and Romanian.

Mmm I Like Twilight

I wish we had four day weekends more often!

I saw Twilight yesterday. It was really good but very fast. They cut a ton out but the book is 500 pages long so I'm not surprised. I wasn't sure how they were going to pull it off considering it's written in the first person and half of it is Bella's thoughts but with a little narration it turned out good. The scenes they changed were still well done and I think added something.

I made friend K go with me and she was a good sport, though not a Twilight fan. Not that I consider myself to be a fan either. A huge amount of girls who go to my school are completely obsessed with the twilight series. They talk about it everyday, always carry the books around, wear the shirts and make jokes and references to the books constantly. Most of them have only discovered the series this year and read the entire series in a week, if not less. They drive me insane. I hate that it is such a fad.

Back when I was a freshmen my friend told me about the book and let me borrow it so I could read it. I enjoyed it but was a little worried my parents would get mad at me for reading a book about vampires. (I wasn't allowed to read Harry Potter.)
I noticed a website so I checked it out and found out there were plans for a second book. It came out that summer but I didn't read it until the nest April when I convinced someone to let me borrow it. The second book is somewhat depressing but I really liked it.
The third book arrived two summer's ago and I read it last December when I got the three books for Christmas. It was my favorite out of all of them and I reread them several times while waiting for the final book.
Right before Breaking Dawn came out every bookstore crammed their selves with the series. Girls sudden appeared carrying the books around school. It was a huge deal. I purchased Breaking Dawn a week or so after it was released though I believe some fans camped out at book stores to recieve copies the second they were available.
Pathetic much?

So the moral of the story is...don't get obsessed over Twilight. Yes they are good books and I do like to read them but draw the line before it takes over your life.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for?

1. My friends
This year I have learned I have amazing friends. They pull me through stuff, they counsel me, they support and encourage me and make me feel loved even though I've been moved a thousand miles away. I'm also thankful for new friends to make a shitty situation more berable.

2. Freedom of Speech
As I begin to write more and more, I'm thankful for the freedom that allows me to say what I want. Not everyone will want to hear what I'm expressing, but I can still say it.

3. Music and Dance
Amazing ways of expressing myself. Would possibly die without.

4. Texting
Communication with people that matter. *hugs and kisses*

5. God and family
At least somewhere out of my counscious I'm probably thankful for them but mostly just incredibly pissed off at.

This optimism is out of character for me. I'm faking 90% of it but whatever. I'm really not thankful for my family and I don't care if that's selfish/irrational or whatever. I won't say I'm thankful we have a place to live because duh we have a house in Oregon. stupid

but yeah happy turkey day

So Maybe I Have Dependent-Histrionic-Narcissistic-Avoidant-Borderline Personality Disorder But Hey, Maybe Not

Personality Disorders
Dependent: You lack confidence and you are extremely submissive and dependent on others (clinging)
Histrionic: You are dramatic and flamboyant; you exaggerate your emotions to get attention from others.
Narcissistic: You think you are wonderful, brilliant, important, and worthy of constant admiration.
Avoidant: You are timid, uncomfortable in social situations and fear evaluation.
Boderline: Your self image, moods, and impulses are erratic, and you are extremely sensitive to any hint of criticism, rejection, or abdonment by others.

I don't have any of these disorders...but I have characterists from all of them.

I feel like everytime I open up my psychology book, I start diagnosing myself with all these new disorders.

Aniexty. Remember gravity makes it so I can't breathe? It's anixety. All those times I was having a minor aniexty attack.

Okay I feel better now. That's probably why people always tell me I need to relax and calm down. I try but it's so boring! But a couple times a day I try to relax for a minute and take a deep breath. I don't know if it helps or not but it can't hurt anything...

Oh and just submitted applications for Cal Poly and Fullerton. I'm happy because we were granted application fee waiver. At least preliminary. If they had charged us I would probably have pulled it out of my savings. I hate to ask my parents for any more money then I already do...

Gravity

I can't. I hate gravity. It imcapacitates you. Don't you understand? It's gravity. He's gravity. I can't fight against it. It's impossible.

Since my family is retarded and lost the freaking tape, I tried to glue my binder back together...which didn't work. Luckily, I found a binder from last semester which is in good enough shape to use until the end of this semester. Of course my dividers had to be sacrficed to AP Comp so it's just a mess.

But I did find the beginning of a story I wrote last year in chemistry. I read over it, some of it is pretty bad but I like parts of it. I think it has potential...if I had the time to do anything with it. I don't really have any classes where I can write without the teacher getting mad at me. I can in psychology but K sits next to me and I hate trying to explain writing to other people. She had noticed me writing before. What are you doing?
Dude what the fuck does it look like I'm doing? The same scenario since I was eight and started carrying around notebooks and paper to write in. People just don't get it.
Oh are you doing homework?
No.
What are you doing?
They just don't get it.

Reading is almost inconcieveable. But actually writing? Unheard of.

Hence, I won't write anymore if people are too close by. That and they always want to read it. They actually expect me to hand over a rough copy for them to read. I'm sorry but I'm too faint hearted for that. Most of the time it's not even a rough-it's a first draft. I do first drafts, rough drafts, second drafts and then typed drafts which is subjected to minor corrections from time to time. First drafts are horrid. They are outlines with more detail. People want to read that?

When they do...then they hand it back and tell me it's good. Which then leads me to wonder if they are outright lying to me or are just so uneducated that they don't know what good is.

Agony Never Truely Leaves

Oh how could you do this to me? I can't help but remember this feeling. Can't.breathe.

Is it ironic that the person who kept me from killing myself, kills me inside again and again?

Can't.Breathe.

I forgot this feeling in my chest. Compressed and deep. It's the most real pain I've ever expereinced.

I knew it would happen eventually but I'm not ready. I'm not fucking ready. I'm not ever going to be ready. Don't do this to me.

Schedule Switch

Today ended up being pretty good.

My counselor finally called me in. I gave her the copy of my transcript with the mistakes highlighted and she said she will give it to the district lady in charge of that.

Then, I told her that I was going to die in basketball. After a couple minutes of me presenting my horrible case, she agreed to let me drop basketball and french, adding virtual enterprise and body building. Now, I'm not sure exactly what virtual enterprise is, but it sounds better then french.

We didn't sit with Michael today at lunch. I'm still mad at him.

It was 79 degrees when I was driving home from school today. I liked it this morning though when it was 65 with a breeze. I could live with 65...but I guess I shouldn't complain. It could have been 80 degrees. Grrr stupid California.

STRAIGHT

She is so lucky
But why does she cry?
If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do your tears come at night

Stupid Michael. He really upset me today. Too sensitive? Maybe.

I have a bestfriend. I like having a best friend that's a girl. I like having someone to share a locker with, eat lunch together, see each other on the weekend and go to the movies and shopping with. Okay I like that. It's called being best friends.

Stupid Michael. So when are you two hooking up?

What?!

I think that was clear. When are you hooking up?

You wish.

He was completely serious, if that's even possible. Up until now I've mostly ignored his sex crazed imagination (which he has never even kissed a girl so his so called expertise is annoying) but that was crossing the line. I am straight.

Let me say that again: I am straight.

I am not gay. I am not a lesbian. I am not bi. I am straight!

God.I.hate.my.life.

You're Not Worth It

Played a variation of flag football this morning. One team put the flags on and the other had to catch them before they got to the end zone and pull off their flags.

I made it both time. =)

See, I'm not totally incompotent at athletics...just basketball. I didn't pull anyone's flags off but I made it through four guys within a foot of me. It was great. We were playing on the football field with that fake turf stuff though and it was slippery so I fell. Damn it hurts. No soft grass there.

Really don't feel like reading about market structures right now. Really don't want to open math book and do review problems. I would have already been done with it in class but my fucking teacher doesn't know how to shut up. It was like she was purposly trying to take as much time away from us by going on and on about one freaking proof.

Also signed up to see counselor yesterday and still haven't been called in. I can't submit any college applications until I see her so it's pissing me off. We had suicide prevention assembly today though so probably kept them busy but still...the deadline is coming up fast. Not that I want to go to a California school but keeping my options open is the best thing. Yeah right. No way in hell would I stay here unless I found someone really worth it. I doubt anyone exists who is worth it.

Hungry and Pissed

Just spent the last three hours of doing homework. And I'm starving because it's been more than seven hours since I've eaten anything. Apparently my family doesn't believe in feeding us.

But whatever. I'm getting fat anyways. A little less food can only help.

I really hate Claremont. It's miserable. It's uninspiring. It was fucking 87 degrees when I drove home from school and it's the middle of freaking NOVEMEBER! Southern California is on fire. I can't breathe the air because it's full of ashes.

I had a breakdown Saturday night. Sunday was depressing. I'm unhappy but my mom feels like she is entitled to throw a big hissy fit. Not a chance. Parents screwed my life over. They are NOT allowed to have hissy fits. The mother is pissing me off. She acts like a child and I'm sick of it. Grow up! You made all of us suffer, this is what you wanted remember? Of course it's TOO MUCH TO ASK TO ACTUALLY BE HAPPY WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU ARE A SPOILED BITCH.

What really pushed the line was she waited till I had showered and dressed in my PJ's before telling me to take the fucking garbage out. I swear she does it on purpose just to make my life more miserable then it already is.

I want out of here.NOW.

Show

It's Saturday night and the phrase I'm bored does not cover my feelings. I should be preparing to teach tomorrow's sunday school lesson, or even sleeping because the heat has been draining all my energy.

Last night was fun: friend K spent the night, but before that we went to a concert. It was four local bands playing at a youth center. I didn't think I would like the music very much but the first two bands pleasantly surprised me. By the third one, my ears hurt from the blarring sound and my feet from standing. We sat on the floor in the back listening. I tried but I didn't feel any kind of emotional connection to the music at all. The forth band's vocalist did not impress me at all and we left half way through.

Today we went to Pilgrim Place Festival. It would have been better if it hadn't been so damn hot. Scorching sunlight does not make for happy browsing. We didn't stay long.

In the saftey of my room, we watched Becoming Jane which is about Jane Austen. The story made me sad: I so wanted her to marry him. I don't think I could be happy if I didn't marry.

Spent the evening looking for new music.

Nonimportant Items: Check

I woke up this morning after a clutter of dreams freaking early in the morning. Guess what? There was light. Why is it that they take away our hours of light at night and give it to us in the morning? This daylight savings time thing...I don't like it. It messes things up.

Ordered senior portrait and yearbook picture today. So pictures, cap and gown and ring are all taken care of.

I guess that means I now have to worry about important senior things...like grades and applications. I need to go see my counslor...at my request she gave me an unofficial transcript so I could get my class rank (190 out of 523). Glancing over some of my classes and grades I realized she entered some of them wrong. So I need her to fix that.

My grades are okay...A- in English, A in PE, B+ in French, A- in Math, B in Psych, A- in Economics.

Well I'm pretty sure my English grade is higher now, my math will be a B when she puts in recent quizzes, and the test I took today in Eco probably takes me down to a B...how depressing. grrr

Pray? yeah right

Since it looks like Barack Obama is going to be our next president, I just wanted to go ahead and start a group to pray specifically for his salvation. Pray that he will come under great conviction from the Holy Spirit for sins he has committed against a holy and just God. Pray that through that conviction, Obama recognizes that he is a sinner, that he deserves Hell and that he cannot do any good works to reconcile the broken relationship with God. Pray that Obama repents and places his trust in Jesus Christ (and Jesus Christ alone) and immediately seeks to bring glory to God. Pray the Obama becomes his party's (for that matter, all political party's) biggest nightmare because he has come under the conviction of the Holy Spirit and has placed his faith in Jesus Christ and his agenda changes to one that seeks to glorify God.
Please pass this along to whoever you wish and let's pray for God's will to be done.

Dear God I pray, may I never be a conservative.

These kinds of Christians sound so pathetic.

Class ring and cap and gown are ordered. Trying to pick out a senior picture to put in the yearbook.

Election

Obama pretty much won.

It's still not 100% official but he has 338 electoral votes (or whatever-never really understood electrol college system very well) so I think it's safe to say he won.

I was kinda rooting for McCain at the last minute though I've been an Obama supporter...and I did vote for him in our school's mock election (gee wonder who will win that one...)

Speaking of school...a custodian died last night of cancer. The teachers had a meeting for part of first period so I grabbed friend K and we skipped to go get coffee. Pretty good. I had to take exit exam english part in 3rd and 4th and it was so easy it wasn't even funny. California, are you seriously telling me I could know so little and still graduate with my class?

Not my class. This alien class. It pisses me off that I worked my freaking ass off to earn my CIM certificate and what does it mean? Nothing. Certificate of Initial Mastery means nothing in California public schools. They don't master anything, with the exception of a poor quality school.

I spent a long time writing the essay. I'm very displeased with the scores I recieved for the SAT essay, so I put a lot of thought into this one. I tried to be clear, creative and support thesis clearly. Hopefully, my grader will be pleased. Math portion is tomorrow.

Money Money Money

Is being a senior all about money? and to think it's only going to get worse...

I recieved my senior portrait proofs in the mail. To a buy a package is several hundred dollars. A single 5 by 7 print is 75 dollars.

A senior assembly was today, to talk about ordering stuff for graduation. They gave us a packet with a catalog of graduation must haves, including everything from memory books to annocecment cards. To be perfectly honest I only care about the stupid cap and gown and the pretty tassle that says 09 on it.

I was very happy when the representor annocenced a deal: buy a class ring and recieve a free cap and gown ($45 dollars). I flipped through the ring catalog and found a ring called Blue Isle on the page of less expensive and is only $162.95 for the white lustrium. The most basic ring is $69 but it's not very pretty and is all blucky. The Blue Isle is sleek and slender, with a smaller stone in the middle, hearts on the sides and room for a school name and graduation year. I've already decided I want the ring to say Clackamas, not Claremont.

I've talked it over with my parents and with the four payment option, it's possible.

Election day is tomorrow!

Too Much

If I don't stop eating candy soon I'm going to die of sugar poisoning.

Crap. School is tomorrow. When does high school end? They tell me not to wish my time away and they are probably right. But it's so boring and routine. If I could get rid of basketball, French and math then it would be okay.

Wasn't there a time when I used to dread weekends?

The Audition

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. and my audition was today! But I managed to pull myself together. I had been really excited for it.

I was the only one in Intermediate Foundation to show up and two Intermediates came. The rest were all Advanced.

I did pretty well at the barre. I did mess up in one of the combinations though. It was more advanced then usual but I'm good at barre so I liked it.

Center work was horrible though. It was way more advanced then I'm used to. I was so lost! I kept telling myself to smile but I was trying so hard to focus I kept forgetting.

Pointe gave us two combinations: one with échappés and the other with releve passe/develope. My échappés were fine but since I had never done passe/develope in the center before I did them on demi pointe except for the last one because it was a springing upward motion and natural to go all the way up.

The improv scenes I had done on Thursday so I didn't stress to much.

Wow some of the girls are so good! They were all better than I was...but I shouldn't compare myself to them. I'll get there...eventually.

Overall, I feel like I could have done better.