I Want To Save The World From Itself.

Do you ever get that feeling where if you don’t do something drastic with your life that the whole world might fall apart? I know that sounds vain but sometimes that’s where my thoughts go. I get incredibly stressed out when I think about America’s social problems: gangs, drugs, homelessness, poverty, discrimination, violence, etc… I don’t know what career I should have, but I know that I have to do something to help fix things.

I wonder if I should be a teacher because so many children don’t have the opportunity to succeed in school and go to college.

I wonder if I should be a doctor or a nurse so I can heal sick people.

I wonder if I should be a counselor so I can help solve problems and combat suicide.

I wonder if I should be a research scientist so I can find cures for diseases that kill small children.

I wonder if I should be a social worker so I can advocate for people and children who are lost in the system.

I wonder if I should be a police officer so I can arrest dangerous people and keep them off the streets.

Thinking about the great need society has for these kinds of people really stresses me out. I can’t be everything! And worse yet, I can’t be everyone’s friend, I can’t save everyone and I can’t help everyone. I wish I could.

Human

I've been feeling very human lately.

I'm always tired, hungry, sore or itchy. Since I cut open my leg two weeks ago it's been healing, but the itchiness is driving me insane. Taking a shower and getting the skin wet seems to be the only way to relieve it.

I didn't go to school today. I should of. I just couldn't make myself get out of bed.

I know that we are young. And I know you may love me. But I just can't be with you like this anymore. Alejandro.

Can't stop laughing at the most absurd things. Desy is on craiglist. There will be hell to pay...eventually. If I can stop giggling. 

You know that I love you boy.
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point I gotta choose,
nothing to loose

It's too late in the school year to have responsibilities. Make it go away! Finals are two weeks away. Then I discover freedom. I just want to stay out all night and dance. Throw back my head and dance. I can out dance any guy who tries me. Endurance. I don't get tired.

Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Alejandro.
I'm not your babe.
I'm not your babe, Fernando.

Don't pretend to possess me. Don't label me. I'm indescribable. What you think isn't true. Be afraid of what you don't know.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Roberto.

I'm unstoppable. Pure female power.

Alejandro.
Alejandro.

Honestly

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend and we were arguing about honesty. He said that he was completely transparent with people, 100% honest all the time. I countered with the fact that I will lie to spare someone's feelings.

Afterwards I sent out a message to my friends: who is more loving, the person who is honest all the time no matter what or the person who lies to spare someone's feelings?

Everyone replied that they would rather be told the truth no matter what except for one person who would rather be lied too and one who said it would depend on the situation. A couple of the reasons I heard was that the other person will eventually find out the truth later and that if you lie once you have to continue to lie. It made me start to wonder if I really lie because I'm afraid of hurting people or if that is just an excuse I use to justify it.

Anyways it's good food for thought. But in general I don't really care what people think about me or what I do. I'm not going to function based on the way you want me to be. I will lie and have lied before, but I'm doing it less and less now. There just isn't that much at state any more. I want to be accepted for who I am, not who I try to be.

So don't read what I write if you don't want to find out what I have to say. I'm not in middle school or high school anymore, and I'm not going to act like it.

By the way, Robbin Hood is a really good movie.

What's In A Month?

I shouldn't stop writing. Too many things happen in a month. Experiences, emotions, memories.

House sitting in Tigard which involved biking to the grocery store, pushing the bike in a shopping cart and barricading every window and door in the house with knives and furniture to keep the potentially evil ex husband from breaking in and killing us.

I learned how easy it is to be raped at a rave called Juicy with a friend called Molly. Thankfully it didn’t happen. As annoyed as I should be now, I really could care less. Other parties cause drama yet whiskey tastes sweet to me when the stress is too much. My arms are full of candy; my pink pacifier is my new best friend.

My car, hers and his have driven to see nature. Babgy Hot Springs a few times, the coast and the river. He showed me all of the secluded parks you never knew about.

Losing my head and kissing an Alaskan boy under bright lights. Breaking up and getting back together. Breaking up again after a week of tutoring with a sense of what the word final really entails.

Classes I've lost the heart to go to. The PE classes that caused have toned my body and caused me to drop 4 pounds while eating brownies for lunch and frozen food for dinner. The weeks of catching and missing trains and buses. Tearing a layer of skin off of my leg trying to catch up with a bus. The rides from the other end of the world to Tigard to babysit.

Finally buying a new car, a 1997 Saturn

Otherwise my month was rather uneventful. How about you?