Heros and Gods Can't Save Your Feelings

From the first day I opened a myspace account, I knew I had a problem. I don’t have a hero. Up until that point I didn’t realize that maybe I should have one. I was religious but I never got into the worshiping God scene, respected and admired my parents but my love had its limits.

I’ve come to realize though, what makes me admire a person is their strength. However, it’s not a person’s physical capacity that wins me over but their mental stamina. More specifically, it is their challenging experiences and emotions that I can identify with in some way. Through this I’ve come to realize that the character I idolize the most is Meredith Grey off of Grey’s Anatomy.

I love Meredith for many many reasons. She’s had an awful life; her mother was an amazing surgeon but didn’t have time to be her mother and her father left when she was very little. She’s insecure, doesn’t trust men and is attempting to find herself as a surgeon in a competitive field.

In terms of a hero, she’s the opposite. She tries to drown herself. She unknowingly becomes Derricks’ mistress. She drinks, a lot. She isn’t a feminine, she doesn’t like parties or celebration. Commitment scares her.

Yet, through all her pain and suffering, she has Derrick. If I could find a real person who had half of the qualities he has, it would be a miracle. And eventually, she grows up. Eventually she fixes the brokenness inside her.

That’s her redeeming quality. She fixes the brokenness.

I wonder some days, if I will ever be able to fix my own brokenness. After seeing Alex’s text message, I panicked. I felt all the emotions of worthlessness that I had struggled with last year resurface. I unburied those feelings and applied them to my current relationship, even though they were entirely unrelated.

That’s what scares me. Maybe I’m not all better. Maybe I just pushed everything away, out of sight out of mind. Maybe I am still broken. Maybe I’ll always be broken. Maybe I won’t let go of a relationship that I shouldn’t be in because I’m scared to be alone. Maybe I’ll deny the facts and the truth so I won’t ever have to leave him.

Or maybe I’ll find a way to keep growing. And some day, maybe I’ll fix my brokenness too. Just like Meredith.