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I am only ideaist as a means of self presevation. I never apply this idology to myself but to other people. As I put it before, " I had to see the people I love a certain way because if I don't I won't be able to love them anymore."

I've placed everyone in my life in a certain place, a specific position, a role for them to play. Changes cause mental messes for me and it's very difficult for me to "get over", repair or reassign roles. Avoiding this becomes a priority. Therefore, I resort to idealistic beliefs as a safety.

This does not apply to my perspective on myself. What does apply is extremly complex because so much comes into play. Like, for example, how I view myself as worthless, how I need other people to tell me the nice things about myself that I cannot or how strong I desire to project a certain image of myself to other people.

I always expect worst possible case scenerio. Meeting face to face with rejection only amplifies this. Rejection causes a problem because my supply of love has been cut off. How do I compensate? Lower my standards, obviously. Think, desperate. Settle for less because it's better than nothing. You need something so you'll take anything. Not about something specific, it's a mind set. And then after a certain period of time you stop caring. Did you ever think otherwise? Doesn't matter. Now is fine.

And that's it, the answer I was looking for back in May.